Running

Over this past very busy weekend I unfortunately ate a lot of unhealthy things (burger and fries, cheese fries, bagel, chicken nuggets, fast food burger, chinese food just to name some of it) and am definitely paying the price. Not only did I eat crap, but I didn't get to the gym on Friday, Saturday OR Sunday! It was just ridiculous! It was nice to be social and have fun with new friends but I can't let my new healthy lifestyle get pushed by the wayside every time there's an Ugly Xmas Sweater Party to attend. Sunday I was doing really well with my eating until I got home after work. Then I ate myself stupid with whatever I could find. Though the only good news about that is that I polished off the tempting bread and cereal! I had gained about 3-4 lbs in just one weekend from all that junk.

So yesterday I officially jumped back on the wagon. I ate well and I hit the gym. I ran 2.1 miles (25 minutes) at the gym, then walked for another 20 minutes for a total of 45 minutes of cardio. I also went on a walk during my lunch break so I burned about 700 calories yesterday. My calorie intake was about 1,500 which was on the high side, but I'm aiming to keep it in the 1,300-1,500 range. And this morning the scale is already heading in the right direction.

On my walk during lunch yesterday, I saw a poster for Cupid's Chase 5k. It's a race to support a company that supports people with disabilities. It's the day before Valentine's Day and it's right in Princeton! I know I wanted to gear up for Maddy's 5k, but I think this one would be a good start. If I could run a 5k last week on pure emotion, then i'll be able to runa 5k in two months on pure adrenaline. My issue will be moving my training from inside on the treadmill to outside. Especially as the weather gets colder.

I always hated running. Mostly because I was terrible at it. But now that I'm actually trying it and finding my rhythm with it, I realize it's a lot of focus and not just putting one foot in front of the other. It's a completely mental activity, and I finally understand why people enjoy it. At this point, I can't say that I enjoy it yet, but I love how I feel afterwards. While watching the Biggest Loser last week, Kathryn told me "That's all marathon running is: pain management". And I'm realizing that's definitely the case. My ultimate goal will be to run a half marathon in the next two years.

Ran my first race - against myself

Today I ran my first 5k. I don't know what came over me. I just got into an argument with someone this afternoon and I decided I was going to take out some frustration at the gym. I told myself I was going to run for the first time in months. I thought "Yknow what? I'm going to run a 5k today. I want to see if I can do it without training for it" And guess what.....I DID IT!!

I ran a 5k in just under 36 minutes with no previous running training. I'm THAT strong! This was very well timed as tonight is the Biggest Loser Season 8 finale. Go Danny!!!

Self Appreciation

I'm coming to realize that no matter how much weight I lose I may never be considered "skinny". I may always be a girl that guys see as "thick" and intimidating. Here are some things I've come to accept, and love, about myself:


1. I have curly hair. It's not Pantene Pro-V beautiful long hair. It's curly. And it's beautiful despite.
2. I speak my mind.
3. I'm passionate. About EVERYTHING. Either for or against.
4. My mind is always running and makes me appear to be random. The truth is I just think quickly.
5. I'm bold and sometimes shameless.
6. Sometimes I can be moody..but my good traits far outweigh my bad.

I'm worth it. I'm worth it all.

Excited again

Today (Wednesday) was the first day I've been to the gym since I hurt my back on Friday evening. I must say I felt guilty not going to the gym for so long. But the cool thing is that I really missed it. I was afraid to just go home after work because I knew I wouldn't be active however I was very good about my eating in those 5 gym-less days. I managed to lose 3 lbs somehow and break the plateau I've been on. I've now officially lost 52 lbs and I'm 188.

I've been reading my book The Biggest Loser: Simple Swaps as if it were literature and not technically a cookbook. It told me that to lose weight, your calorie consumption should be Your current weight times 7. Well, at 191 lbs before, I should've been eating 1334 calories. Considering you're not supposed to consume less than 1,200 calories a day that seemed awfully low to me. Previously I'd been aiming at consuming anywhere from 1,500-1,800 calories a day depending on whether I was having a very active day or a sedentary day. I readjusted my diet to intake 1,300-1,500 calories a day instead and figured it would be best to stick to this while not gymming. I guess it works! And I don't feel like I've been starving myself in the process. I'm just making myself very low-cal options.

I'm thankful to be 98% back. My back still hurts a teeny bit if I move a certain way or when I first wake up in the morning, but I'm able to work out again which I'm thankful for. And now that I have this concern off my mind, I've gotten excited about starting my martial arts. I'm looking into non-credit fitness classes through Mercer County Community College. Now the fun part will be figuring out which one I want to try first!

Thanksgiving snag

Thanksgiving for my eating habits usually isn't a terrible disaster. Luckily I'm not usually the person to stuff myself stupid with mashed potatoes and stuffing. However, this year we somehow manifested a dessert table that left little to NOT be desired. I had made sugar-free pumpkin mousse to prevent pumpkin pie overload disaster and then my Grandmother wound up bringing over a second pumpkin pie that had a unique recipe that I just had to try. And then Kelly's mother sent over a chocolate mousse cake. I had a little bit of everything to compromise and not deprive myself so I didn't feel so terrible. The problem was that the next day, National Day of Leftovers, was when I tanked and ate until I was too full. I've gotten so good at eating until I was no longer hungry and that was the first time in a while I ate until I was uncomfortable.

Somehow I managed to be done with Xmas decorations and family time earlier than anticipated yesterday so I was able to get an evening appointment with my trainer. I just immediately drove back from my parents house and was excited about being able to jump back into my health routine. Unfortunately, I ran into a snag when I pulled my back doing one of our workouts. We had to modify the last ten minutes of the workout and then I had to sacrifice doing a lot of cardio after which makes me feel extremely guilty. I even had another session scheduled for this morning but my back is still hurting and I know I won't be able to do anything so I had to cancel. Shane told me to take a few aleve and relax.

How am I supposed to work off the leftover disaster if i can't do any exercising? I'm thinking of maybe just eating very minimally today and hitting up the mall just to walk around and do some Christmas shopping. At least it's not sitting on my butt.

Since starting my rigorous exercising, I haven't had any sort of physical issue or illness to work through. I'm hoping this goes away. FAST

Need a fix

I was doing very well with my diet and was hitting the gym pretty hard the last week or so but I fell so far off the wagon I can't even see the wheels last night at our Pre-Thanksgiving dinner party. Granted I didn't eat a ton but I did eat a ton of carbs. Not good.

I realized last week during my measurements that a few of my measurements have not changed in two months. NONE of them have changed in this past month even with a 2 l b weight loss and 1% body fat loss. I realize some of this is my fault with the diet issues and some is due to the fact that my body is retaliating from losing so much.

Yesterday while at the gym, I decided I'm going to start working out twice a day again to kick start my second wave of big weight loss. I tried yoga and I realize I don't really like it so instead I'm going to start going for walks in the morning. I figure getting into the habit of getting up early and exercising a little before work will be a good way to start running before work when I feel ready to start my running training again.

I've been so lacks about starting this Phase 2 thing. Still. And now i'm realizing more than ever how important it is to step it up. Going to the gym for 90-120 minutes is not enough anymore. I need to be doing more somehow.

Walk/run before work, walk during lunch hour, gym after work. Hopefully this'll help.

Cracking the whip

I did some thinking at the gym this morning and I've decided that I'm going to restart the tapering process of the keto diet. The way it's supposed to work is that you incorporate carbs slowly but surely: first seven days off of keto you have 35-40 grams a day, next week you have 70-80 grams of carbs a day, next week you have 100 grams of carbs a day and then you finally plateau and you should NEVER EVER have more than 150 grams of carbs a day. Anything more than that is excess.

When I came to this realization, I stopped by the trainer's office to ask Shane what he thought of the idea. He said that it would be better than just going all sporadic with it like I am now and it probably wouldn't hurt to go with no carbs again (aka back to keto) for 2 weeks before starting to taper. Absolutely. I agree 100%.

Today I'm going to visit my family which means it'll be near impossible to do that, but I now have two more weeks to figure out exactly what foods are 35-40 grams a day, 70-80 grams a day, etc. The hard part will be finding foods taht are low carb enough to divy them up throughout the day. You are never supposed to have a big bulk of them in one sitting because it causes an insulin spike which helps store fat. Bad!

So this is the way to fix what I've messed up. It's bad enough my body is struggling from losing almost 50 lbs but I refuse to help it by screwing up my diet. I can do this with a little more discipline. I can DO this!

Hello, this is your wakeup call

Why is it that when I have a ridiculously strict diet plan like the keto that I can follow it without a problem but the second I have some freedom in my diet I wind up going out of control again??? I've been trying my best to ween myself off the keto diet properly and incorporate healthy foods in my diet that I wasn't allowed before like fruit, oatmeal and whole grains. As hard as I try to calculate and plan out my carbs to incorporate for the day but I either calculate wrong or wind up overdoing it and then sabotaging myself.

They say "give them an inch, they'll take a mile" and I can't think of anything more appropriate relating to this topic. I'm finally allowed carbs again and I abuse the privilege. I've been good about going to the gym and working hard but it's going to mean nothing if I can't get a hold of myself and have some self control. I had my measurements yesterday and I only lost 2 lbs this month. And daily I'm watching the scale creep higher as I watch the fruits of my labor be slowly undone.

I'm better than this. Enough is enough. Stop abusing carbs. It's not crack...it's carbs!

Battle of the Bulge

Everywhere I look there's something telling me that what I'm doing toward fitness is the opposite of the most effective approach. This is why I hate fitness and why I've hesitated to get my shit together. I feel like everywhere I turn there is conflicting information.


High carb and low fat is the way to go!
Low carb and high protein is the way to go!
Eat whatever you want you just have to exercise!
Exercise is the reason you're fat!
You should do ab exercises everyday for a flat tummy!
Flat abs can only be achieved by eating correctly!


OH MY GOD! It's no wonder I could never do this on my own without Shane to help me...

Fun House Mirrors

At my largest, I never thought I could be smaller than a size 12 without looking emaciated and grossly thin. Here I am at a size 12 and I realize how much fat I can still lose. I guess I never had a concept of how large a size 12 still is or maybe I just really believed that I was framed larger than I actually am. I never felt more confident about being able to fit into single digit sizes!

On a semi-related note, I never realized how difficult it was going to be to see myself as the size that I am. I look around at other women and try to compare how I look next to them. Am I bigger? Am I smaller? Am I the same size? My body map is way off. I know that comes with BDD again but it's so frustrating.

I am thankful that I'm losing weight evenly and that I'm not looking like a victim of a Voo-Doo doctor's wrath, but it's making it very difficult to see a change in my body. It sounds ridiculous that 50 lbs down I can't see how my body looks so different but it's the truth! It's very difficult for me to believe that I'm as "thin" as people see.

When will my brain catch up with my body????

Pampering Gina

Instead of being super productive with chores, I wound up having a Day For Gina. After my good gym trip this morning (as mentioned in my previous blog), I got a few chores done and watched some TV while cooking good/healthy stuff. I took a long hot shower and even did an extra moisturizing regimen for my skin. I then I headed to the mall. I have some gift certificates for Macy*s that I wanted to try and use for some new work skirts or dresses.


I figured I would try - for the first time - trying on clothes in an "untouchable" store: one of those stores that only has smaller sizes and trendy styles. I tried on clothes at The Limited, Express, Macy*s.....AND THEY ALL FIT! Granted, some of the styles looked terrible on my body type, but I fit into Express dresses and skirts! I can even buy items from Victoria's Secret now! I can't wait until I finally hit a maitenance weight and size so I can justify spending good money on clothes that'll fit longer than a few weeks.

I really needed a relaxing day like today. I feel refreshed and a little more confident. It would seem I'm officially a size 12 folks!!!

What would Tara do?

Today I started my day off with a 9 am gym session with Shane. It was core day which was rough but feels great. I was wearing my "WWTD?" shirt to the gym for the first time and its like I can feel the motivation running through me. I feel like a changed person. This is the Gina I want to ultimately be. I only did an hour of cardio after my session but it was strong. I got to thinking about how amazing Tara is and how I really need to start channeling her more to keep myself motivated. So below is a song that I LOVE and plays during a youtube tribute to Tara. I highly suggest putting it on your gym mix to give you a boost.


---
Believe by Suzie McNeil

One minute's fading
One minute's past
But I've got this moment
To make it all last
I'm standing before you
Taking my chance on
Everything I never thought that I could be
Cuz you can do almost anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

It's like I'm falling through my own fears
They used to haunt me, but now they're not here
There's no looking back, my future is clear
No giving up
And I'm holding on when it gets rough
Cuz you can get through most anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

No one says it's easy
And no one says you have to be perfect
But as long as you try
You're always gonna find
It was worth it

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
---

TBL Tribute To Tara: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdGz4APr2h8&NR=1

Finally A Decision

I keep telling myself I don't want to have a goal weight b/c I don't know what my body is capable of. Well I've changed my mind. Last night I had a dream I was working in a shop that sells snakes. I am absolutely petrified of snakes! I couldn't understand why I would be working in a shop with something I'm so scared of! (The store also checked your pool water, but that's neither here nor there) Once I woke up from this ridiculous dream, I started to think. My subconscious must be telling me that the only way to face my fears is to just jump into the thick of things. I'm never going to overcome my challenges by continuing to be scared.

A healthy weight for my height's BMI is 121-164 lbs. Personally, I think 121 lbs at 5'8" is absolutely disgusting. So I have officially decided to aim for 140 lbs for several reasons.
1. It's exactly 100 lbs weight loss. That's going to be an insanely proud moment to say I've lost 100 lbs.
2. It's in the middle of the healthy weight range.
3. 140 is low enough that, if I can't maintain it realistically, I can always gain a little more back and still be healthy.

I would like to be in the single digits of clothing too. But since 140 lbs of fat is different from 140 lbs of muscle, I'm not sure what that'll translate to. But I'm determined to get down to single digit sizes and then determine whether or not it's healthy for me.

I can feel the motivation coming back. I had a rough week and a half but I think I'm finally back. I hit the gym hard yesterday for an hour and 45 minutes and the scale is continuing to move, slowly but surely. I think when I hit 75 lbs weight loss I'm going to throw a three-quarters party...

Revision

I don't know what it is, but I find that at night I just take a turn for the worst in my mood and there is no reconciling it. I just wind up going to bed angry or upset and sometimes wake up that way the next day still. And there's never a real trigger for it, it just happens. It's very frustrating for me and anyone other poor schmo who winds up having to witness it in person or via AIM.

So let's revise last night's ranting post...

I will not abuse myself at the gym today. However, I will work hard at the gym today since I have neglected to go for four days. I will go for at least an hour and a half and two hours if I can manage. I will also start using my FitDay online food journal again b/c I'm tapering off my diet and need to keep track of how many carbs I'm taking in per day. I don't want to do too much too fast or my body will retaliate.

The yoga and at-home ab workouts I plan on doing? I'm going to start those this weekend. This is the first weekend I really don't have much to do (Saturday: Gym session at 9 am, Semi-Formal Barmitzvah Pub Crawl in the evening, Sunday: Friend's recital at 5:30) so I can figure out exactly how long these yoga videos are that I have and figure out which ab exercises will benefit me most.

At work I have a few duties that require regular attention. I need to be sure to send out certain letters on a regular basis and take care of audition confirmations and follow up with people about visits. So I made myself a weekly Daily Task schedule. On Mondays I do confirmations, on Tuesdays I do letters, on Wednesdays I do visits, etc. I've decided that's a good idea for me to have at home too to make sure I optimize my time. It seems a little rigid, but I work best when I have a routine and a schedule. This way I'll be able to figure out what days I will do yoga, what day I will do at-home abs, what day I will clean, what day I will do laundry, what day I will grocery shop. I really think it's the best way to make sure I get things done that I need to. Otherwise I'll keep pushing it back and I'll find up buying salads from Wawa and wearing clothes that are too big b/c I have nothing left that's clean.

I can do this. I just need to stop freaking out on myself. I think I'm ultimately scared that I'm not tapering off this diet right and that I'm just going to gain all this weight back immediately which is the last thing I want. So the way to manage is to just give myself some routine and discipline. I have got to get myself under control.

Government Cheese

Phase 2 has been seriously sucking. And by sucking I mean I have done nothing towards Phase 2 yet and I'm so mad at myself for it. I just want to be kicking it up a notch when in reality all I'm doing is falling into terrible habits. I haven't been grocery shopping for "transition" food back into a normal diet so I've been getting food out a lot or just eating whatever I can find. It's terrible. This isn't to say that I'm eating terribly but I'm certainly not doing an optimal job of weening myself off this diet. I also haven't been to teh gym since Thursday. It's definitely Monday and I'm workin at McCarter this evening. Four straight days without the gym? Not okay.


As a result I feel the strong urge to abuse myself. I feel the urge to spend all evening at the gym tomorrow and starve myself a little just to make sure that I'm not doing more damage than good. I just wish I could make this terrible urge go away. I know its self destructive and I'm trying to hard to squelch it but it's just not working.

I have GOT to get to the grocery store adn stock up on things that I should eat. The real problem is that I just haven't had the urge to cook or do anything productive in days. I spent the weekend working and so now I feel entitled to sit and do nothing apparently.


This blog is completely incoherent as my thoughts just popped out. I apologize.


General point I want to get across: I suck and I need to knock it off and get back on the god damn wagon.

Phase 2: Better late than never

I've had serious issues this week staying on the wagon. This was the week I was supposed to be in Phase 2 and stepping everything up a notch. Instead, I went back several steps. SOOO not okay.


I think it's only fair to say that at this point I've obliterated my diet. I am past the point of saving it. Now I must taper off this ketogenic diet and back into regular old healthy eating. I am very okay with eating a lot more fruits and veggies and whole grains in the long run.

So tomorrow I will start Phase 2 including all the aforementioned tricks less the "sticking to keto without substitutions" thing. If I can't manage, I'll start the keto again. But I have to give a regular diet a fair shot and if I'm going to be doubling up on the exercise at home and in the gym then itwould be nice to have enough energy to do that.

I've decided, to keep myself motivated for this next step, to adopt a new motto. While reading my book on Columbine (cleverly entitled "Columbine" by Dave Cullen), we read about how Eric Harris - the psychopath who had a bigger hand in slayings - had a fascination and adoration for Nazi beliefs. Since he found himself to be superior to most of those he knew in his life, he adopted their motto of "Kein mitleid" meaning "no mercy" when it came to sparing those who were beneath him.

I have no similar beliefs to Nazis and I do not believe that what Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold did was in any way admirable or a good deed. But there's something about this motto I like. I want to adopt it as my motto for good, not evil. When I want to destroy myself and abuse myself b/c I feel weak and unworthy, I shall give myself no mercy and push forward. When I start to feel as those I may never make it to the finish line, I will give myself no mercy and go, go, go until I'm done. I can't afford not to.

Kein mitleid. Weil ich es wert bin.

Relapse

After my brother's wedding I can experience what I imagine must be a hangover. I've never really had one before and I didn't drink that much, but it appears that I woke up fine and the feeling of supreme lethargy and the need to eat crap consumed me. Hormones didn't help. So in a moment - nay, day - of weakness, I wound up cheating on my keto diet for the first time. After exactly two months of dedication to the diet and all the trials and tribulations with it, I cheated. I felt terrible guilt but couldn't stop myself from consuming things that were not on the keto menu. It was comfort food. Unfortunately, ever since then (six days ago) I haven't been able to get 100% back on the keto wagon.

I don't believe I've knocked myself completely out of ketosis. I noticed that when I started eating eggs again, I did not get the strange taste of ketones in my mouth the way I had when I started the diet and I didn't feel any lack of energy. So I know I'm out of whack but i'm not completely kicked out. The problem is that because I cheated once, my mind can't shake that "Well you already screwed up already, might as well stay off it now" mentality. So every day since I've been doing medium cheats like a handful of candy corn or a couple soy peppermint mochas. While these are not entire binge meals, it's still a cheat on this diet. And it needs to stop. Yesterday I did so well until I made rice krispie treats for work but wound up eating all the remnants in the bottom of the pan that crumbled. That sounds minor, but it was enough that I ate them with a spoon. Consider that.

I need to get 100% back on the wagon. Luckily I've lost the 4 lbs I seemingly gained from sodium intake (apparently going back to the eggs is helping) and my cheat day. I wanted to stay on this diet through the holidays so that I keep my holiday weight in check. In fact, I think every year around the holidays doing the keto diet would be a fantastic idea to make sure I don't put on those holiday pounds.

I abused myself at the gym the other day out of guilt over this and it's time to stop feeling guilty and just do it right. I have to stop telling myself that a "little cheat" is okay b/c a couple little cheats a day is not. And yes I love my soy peppermint mochas with 2 pumps but in excess? They are part of the problem. Not the solution.

Back on the wagon. Giddy up!

The emotional switch

There is seemingly no downside to finally becoming a happy person, being confident in yourself and finally realizing that you look good and feel good in your wardrobe. Except there is...

This past weekend was my brother's wedding. I was more than excited to enjoy the momentous occasion with almost everyone I know and love in this improved body and with my improved personality. The bridal shower went over so well and I felt so great that I just imagined this weekend would be even better because we'd all be dressed up and at our happiest. However, instead I was surprised to notice that I felt just like a wolf in sheep skin: a New Gina in Old Gina's place. No matter what I did to try and have the best time possible, I felt as though I was still the fat little sister of the groom. Yes, people complimented my singing at the ceremony and some congratulated my weight loss but it didn't seem to matter. In a sea of people from my past, I can't help but fall into old habits and feel just as inadequate as I always have around the same crowd.

It's as if I forgot how to have a conversation with someone new and all of my insecurities reared their ugly heads. It was terrible to have worked so hard for this moment only to realize that I felt exactly the same. This was supposed to be my first goal marker! Why couldn't I just let myself enjoy the evening! Why has every other wedding been fantastic and I've felt great but I couldn't enjoy this nearly as much???

It just shows me that I have so much longer to go mentally. I'm still not ready to accept that I have changed physically and therefore not willing to accept people's generous compliments as genuine. My insecurity is obviously still lodged inside this smaller body and it has overstayed it's welcome. The trick is to figure out how to exorcise it. Do I just keep putting myself in these situations until I'm forced to behave accordingly? Do I just keep working on myself and give myself pop quizzes of social outings?

When will I believe I'm as strong as I've become...

Hey, don't come to the gym with me!

Statistics say that working out with a "fitness buddy", logging all your exercises, and keeping a daily food journal are large keys to one's success. Personally, I find that only two out of three of these things are true. I did start the habit of keeping a daily food journal online which also tracks my calorie burning and consuming as well as weigh-ins. Though I haven't been logging while on this keto diet, I feel as if the habit is not gone and if I were to go back on a regular healthy diet tomorrow, I could pick up where I left off with this. At this time, with Shane as my rock at the gym, I don't do any sort of logging on how many repetitions or what strength training exercises I do. I know at some point when I have to do strength training on my own without a trainer (because I can't afford him forever) that I will have to track what I do. Since strength training is always the activity that I won't do for myself, I already know that this will be a huge challenge for me. However I cannot, and do not, agree with the idea of a fitness buddy.

Whenever I invite a friend or neighbor to join me at the gym, I don't work out the same. I love the company and it's nice to actually have someone to talk to instead o f doing the same mundane music or watching a crappy movie in a theater but the truth is I don't push myself the same. It's much like when you eat while watching TV or playing on the computer and you just don't realize exactly what you're doing because you're distracted. In fact, sometimes I find that I'm so focused on what I'm doing that I zone out and don't even hear my music anymore. I used to require visual stimuli of the TV even if I was listening to music but now I find that I would much rather watch people around the gym and leave myself to my thoughts. I do some of my best thinking at the gym lately. I think about what I have to do when I get home. I think about what I will wear to work tomorrow. I think about what my schedule for the week is like. I think about how cute that guy is and how hot it is when he does pullups. I think about how different I feel from the old Gina i've worked so hard to get rid of. It's just a lot to wrap my mind around.

I wish I could say that having someone to go to the gym with motivates me, but the truth is I think I'd rather do it alone. Even if I'm the first one to suggest someone joining me, I prefer to go and stay for as long as I want and work on whatever machine I want. I really wish I was the type of person who was motivated by having someone join me, but I find that even when someone has similar goals I find it just doesn't cut it for me.

To each their own, but I hope that will change someday.

"Give it the old Emeril treatment*

To keep myself on track this week to push into Phase 2 next week, I wanted to give myself a game plan. This is what I want to do this week:


Sunday: Sleep in! If I have enough time to hit the gym before work at 12:30 fine, but I'm in dire need of a sleep-in morning.
Monday: Gym after work for 90 minutes
Tuesday: Gym after work for 60-90 minutes
Wednesday: Session with Shane for 30 minutes, 60+ minutes of cardio
Thursday: Session with Shane for 30 minutes, 30+ minutes of cardio
Friday: 60-90 minutes of cardio (laps in the hotel pool in the afternoon/evening?)
Saturday: Wedding day! Rest
Sunday: 30 minutes of cardio


Then Monday will start Phase 2. I want to be sure to get things back on track and start kicking things up a notch. These are the things I plan to address/accomplish with the Phase 2 startup:

* Adhere strictly to my keto diet - eggs and all (wahhhh)
* Do 60+ minutes of cardio a day, six days a week
* Start doing ab exercises 3-4x a week (at home or at the gym)
* Start a flexibility program (yoga or stretching regimen of some sort)

I'm pumped! Let's do this!

Recalculating...

I'm not sure if it's because my brother's wedding is finally around the corner (dear lord that time passed quickly!) or if I'm losing steam, but I feel as though I haven't been working very hard lately in the fitness area. Perhaps I'm nervous that with the wedding around the corner, if I work too hard my dress won't fit right. I mean I can't go losing any more than 3-5 lbs this week or my dress will be loose.

I've been doing a lot of substituting in my diet b/c of a lack of time for cooking or just b/c I got sick of eggs and I fear that it's having an effect on my weight-loss results. Shane seems to think that while substituting turkey bacon, cheese and pork rinds (don't judge me) for the eggs is protein and fat equivalent, it's very high in sodium so it may make me retain water. I don't think that's the case, but I can't help but wonder if I could be losing more if I just ate the damn eggs. I've been going to the gym just as much (I've hit the gym for 90 minutes at least 3 days this week) and i asked Shane to beat me up during my sessions with him this week and yet somehow I still feel like I'm half-assing it. Is it because I'm getting used to working so hard? Or am I lying to myself about the effort I'm really putting in?

I'm considering a kick-start after the wedding. Vinnie and Kelly's wedding was my first goal marker date, so once it's over I need a new one. I will give myself a final goal date of April 22nd 2010 where I will have reached my ideal weight...whatever that may be. And by then I'll be running and training for Maddy's Memorial 5k and more, hopefully. Other than stepping it up 3 notches at the gym, I will go back to the keto diet religiously meaning no more substituting. I'm going to eat the damn eggs and I'm going to like it. And I'm going to eat everything even if it get sto be late at night and I dont' want to.

So here's to Monday Oct 26th....may that be the start of Phase 2!

Reflections

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on my physical past because it's just amazing to see how far I've come. As this as all happening, it didn't seem like the weight was coming off fast enough for me (does it EVER feel like that??) and I was getting frustrated that all I would lose is 1-3 lbs a week. "Come on! That's it?!" I'd yell at my scale. That's not even considering the plateau times where I don't see the scale move for too long and I start to get more than annoyed as all my hard-work goes for naught.

But yesterday when I posted that picture and noticed just how much different 45 less lbs is, I realize how big a deal that is. I'll consider the start of my dedication to be Good Friday which was Fri April 10th. In exactly six months I have lost 45 lbs. That averages out to 7.5 lbs a month, 1.875 lbs a week, and about a 1/4 of a lb a day. When you think of it in terms of that, that's actually kinda great. They say it's not healthy to lose more than 2 lbs a week anyway because you're either working yourself too hard or you're not taking the time for new habits to sink in and you're bound to gain the weight back later.

I've also inspired my first person. A friend from high school is getting married and she and I used to constantly talk about how unhappy we were that we were overweight. Now that she has the big white dress, she wants to make sure she looks fantastic in it and I guess she's taken my "story" as an inspiration. And that makes me feel awesome. While ultimately this all is for me and my health, what good would it be if I didn't help other people sharing everything I've learned and spreading the motivation to others who need encouragement? It's like I'm one step closer to being like Tara Costa...and you all know how I feel about her. (Are we BFFs yet???)

I guess now is just a time to thank everyone who's been supporting me instead of being a bad influence as well as those who gives me those ego boosts that keep me so motivated. This has all turned out to be so much easier with people helping to keep me on track and encouraging the good habits. I could never have come this far if I had friends badgering me to eat the wrong things or telling me to ditch the gym to hang out instead. My success is your success too :)

Serious ego boost

I photoshopped an old photo next to a new photo. It's awesome to see what six months of hard work has accomplished!! Even my smile looks more genuine...

Project 23 - Over but not finished

At this time last year, I was hoping to make age 23 the best year of my life. Since then I have lost about 45 lbs, cleansed my love life, established some managerial experience, and can honestly say that I'm happy. I started out at 240 lbs and am officially down to 196 lbs, down from a size 20 to a size 12/14. Apparently all of this wasn't about having the best year of my life. This Project was about getting myself prepared to live the best years of my life.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. While technically Project 23 is over, I feel like this is just the beginning. I don't know what life will bring from here on out, but I refuse to let myself become that unhappy, overweight, too-stressed person EVER again.

This blog will continue. This journey will continue. My life will grow into the amazing experience that I'm going to make it.

I am in control.

Goals To Work For

With a new year, my priorities will be changing. And since I never did initially, I finally have a list of goals.

• Have confidence in myself
  
• Become a runner to run Maddy's Mad Dash Memorial 5k (5/1/10 for those who want to join!)
  
• Try mixed martial arts
• Be able to shop in ANY store for clothes
• Try yoga
• Start dating with a new positive, confident attitude
• Develop a new, active hobby (i.e. training for races, daily nature walks, kayaking, etc.)

As these things are achieved I hope to add more to the list or expand upon already existing goals. Who knows, maybe trying yoga or mixed martial arts will turn into my new active hobby! But I'm determined to keep progress going forward and not plateau to a point of acceptance until this is all truly done. I don't have the cajones to give myself a size or weight goal b/c I don't know what my body's capable of. And to be honest? I want to experiment with what I'm capable of when the time comes.

So here's to another year!

Motivators

On the Biggest Loser, they tell you that you should have clear, realistic and tangible goals to succeed. If you don't know what you're working for, you can lose focus easily. But what sort of things can keep you motivated? It's so different for everyone. I've realized a few of my biggest motivators:


* When I first started working with Shane, I thought having a trainer who was so attractive was going to prevent me from pushing myself because I'd be too self-conscious. However, it's turned out to have the opposite effect! The more I work with him, the more I want to impress him with what I can do. I refuse to let myself fail in front of someone who resembles statues from the Roman Empire. Sometimes all he has to do is walk by and it gives me a second wind on the cardio machines. "Don't let Shane down, Gina!" I tell myself.

* Every time someone I haven't seen in a while compliments me on how "fantastic" I look, it's a boost. I know it's vain but sometimes I just need that reminder that what I'm doing is showing results. I've mentioned it before that I really look the same in the mirror to myself. But when other people notice it just makes me want to keep going until I reach goal.

* These weddings are a factor in my decision to lose weight in the first place. Now that I have the outfits to wear for them, I try them on to make myself "feel pretty. Oh so pretty". Not only do I feel great that these dresses are quite smaller than my starting size, but the dresses themselves are just beautiful.

* There are a couple REALLY cute guys at the gym. Much like when Shane walks by, sometimes all I need is for them to walk by for me to catch a second wind. Am I doing it to impress them and catch their attention? Sure. But I'm also using it as a reminder to myself that if I keep working, I can get a guy like that.

* Checking Tara Costa's facebook fan page keeps me in check. She posts her little blogs or what she's up to but she keeps on truckin even when things get rough or busy. I can only hope to be half as determined as her.


I realized after watching last night's episode that I don't really have clear-cut goals. I've been afraid to aim for a particular goal-weight because I don't know what my body is capable of and maybe I'm still not sure what I want out of all of this. Soon I will be posting a list of my goals and checking them off as I reach them. I'll also be revising them as I think of bigger challenges for myself.

Embarassed

Oh my god....I'm looking at picture from my trip to Europe in late April. Thirty-seven pounds ago!


What took me so long???? Dear God why did I get so big? What happened to me??? WHY DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY THREE YEARS TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY BODY!??!?!

It just makes me want to cry, looking at these photos. I have all these great memories and I'm either the person taking the pictures so I don't have to be in them or I'm in the pictures hating what I see. You can just tell I'm not happy...

I'm so ashamed of myself for it getting so out of control. And I'm so scared that it could happen again. I'm afraid because I don't know why it never sunk in until this past year and I'm afraid that it'll never be enough and I'll never reach goal. I just can't keep saying it in my head....How did this happen??? Why???

I just never thought I was capable of losing weight and I never thought I was capable of being thin. Yet I look back on some pictures from my younger years and realize that I really was just thicker than the "pretty popular" girls in middle and early high school. I wasn't really actually fat at that point. And then the pounds just kept piling on until it added up to this. I'm just in shock looking at myself in all these pictures....why did I do this.

I have no idea how much weight I can afford to lose before I look skeletal but I'm going to do my best to get to 140 lbs. At a height of 5'8, that might work okay.

Realization and a Compliment

I don't know if it's because I refueled on Saturday evening or if it's just because of the crazy busy day I had at work, but I just rocked it at the gym tonight. Shane always tells me I do too much cardio, but he said as long as I'm monitoring my heart rate and keeping it in my Fat Burning Zone, it's okay to do as much as I like. Well....today I had some SERIOUS stamina! I started with a 5 minute warm-up on the treadmill, did a hard 30 minutes on the bike, did another hard 30 minutes going backward on the elliptical, and then ended doing a powerwalk on the treadmill for a final 30 minutes. And I wanted to keep going except I was starting to get hungry!

I'm noticing that my body is getting used to the work I've been doing. It used to take only 3.5 mph on the treadmill to get my heart rate up high enough, now it takes 4.0 mph. I can up the resistance on the bike and elliptical machines while keeping the same speed as before, if not faster. Today, while on the bike, I realized that even though I could feel my quads burning during my ride, I wasn't letting up. Old Gina would have lightened it up so she couldn't feel that pain. But now I push through it thinking "Good. That means it's working."

It's strange, I've come to learn that pushing out my comfort zone is 100% necessary to this transformation. Being in the comfort zone is what got me to 240 lbs. Working out isn't SUPPOSED to be comfortable. It's supposed to be WORK. I don't know why but I've always been afraid of pushing myself to the point of soreness or to the point of getting sick. Yknow what? After 6 months of working hard with Shane, I have yet to throw up. And only once, towards the beginning of our sessions together, was I ever so sore that I was incapacitated. Why was I ever scared of that feeling? Admittedly, I still kind of am. It's strange because I'll push myself to work for longer, but not necessarily to work harder. I don't know what that says about me...

On a side note:

I felt pretty good today in clothes that actually fit. There was a fire drill in my office building and all the faculty and staff came out together, holding their ears from the blaring siren. As we're walking out, Joe Miller sees me and his jaw drops and he says "Wow. Gina, you look fantastic!" It means a lot coming from a gay man with high standards. Trust me. It's just a nice reminder that my hard work is paying off and people can notice.

Meeting My Idol!

To your left, you'll see a picture of my biggest idol: Tara Costa, and myself. I designed a T-shirt saying "WWTD?" in her honor with one of her favorite motivational quotes on the back. When it finally arrived I posted a picture of myself wearing it on her Facebook Fan Page to tell her of the dedication. She actually commented on it "I WANT ONE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!" And I was stoked! Since she had a 5k and Fitness Fair coming up, I told her I would give her one there. So I made up another one and ordered it for her in her size.

Today when I go up to talk to her, she points at my shirt and says "OH MY GOD! THE SHIRT!" And I reach into my purse to give her hers. I wrapped it in tissue and had a card wrapped up with it. I give it to her and I tell her "I hope it's the right size. They run a little big." And she opens the tissue up like a kid at Christmas and calls her boyfriend over to check it out. I wish I had gotten pictures of her getting all excited about the shirt. She thanked us all for coming and we introduced ourselves. Then I got this picture with her.


Later we were just hanging around and checking out all the booths giving out free stuff. There was a raffle going on so I bought 7 tickets for $5 and wanted to stick around until they called out the results. It was about noon so I figured it couldn't hurt to stick around for another hour just to see the results. We went over to the booth to check out the prizes that we could win and when we were looking over the stuff, the ladies commented on how great my shirt was and I told them I had created the design and got it made. They loved it. I asked if the prizes were all local gift certificates because we weren't from the area. They asked where we came from and we told them Princeton. They were all impressed we came so far!

I was really hoping for this one gift basket of Biggest Loser stuff like a scale, protein powder, a tshirt, etc. I wound up buying TWO door prizes! I won a one-hour personal training session at Lucille Roberts and a gift certificate for a CPR certification class. I'm not sure what I'll do what the CPR class thing but Johanna and her twin were talking about taking a class just before the drawing so I offered it to them. Who knew I would get my mother's genes for winning stuff!!!

So after I had won my two prizes, Tara's mother came over to talk to us. The ladies manning the table earlier had told her that we came all the way from Princeton and she thanked us for coming so far just to be there. We told her we were all very excited to meet Tara b/c she was such an inspiration and I had to give her the tshirt so it was totally worth it. She seemed truly touched. She told us how she had lost 80 lbs because of her daughter's incredible determination.

Kathryn and I drove home feeling like it was an amazingly succesful day. And we just finished my second cheat meal: friendls burgers with fries and over half a pint of ice cream.

Today was an amazing day and I feel like she's rekindled an already burning fire to succeed with all this fitness work. I can't wait to take this energy and work it at the gym tomorrow!

The Cost Of Healthy Living

Groceries: $400/month
Trainer: $330/month for ten session
Gym: $20/month
Running Shoes: $95
New Clothes: $300
Online Food Log: $0
Online Fitness Journal: $0
Finally losing weight: Priceless


I'm prompted to think of this topic after spending approximately $300 yesterday on new clothes online. Because of this cost of healthy living, I have two jobs to cover the expense. However, what I lack is the time to actually go to a store and try on clothes that will fit and not be so baggy on me. I figured ordering some staples online such as dress pants, dress shirts, dresses and a few casual tops should get me started until October Madness is over.

I've always had issues finding clothes that fit and it would take me hours just to find a single decent outfit. However now I'm realizing that shopping is a lengthy process simply because I don't know what size I am and have to try on two of everything just to make sure! If these clothes don't fit or look right, it'll be nice to get some of that money back but it just means I'll actually have to go and try everything on in stores and do 2 stores on each free evening I have. I really don't want to have to do that. When I reach goal, shopping is going to be a blessing. For now while i'm still shrinking? It's a freakin curse.

I'm curious and annoyed that healthy living should cost so much. I understand that the trainer, although a luxury, is a big portion of that. I plan on reaching goal and continuing to train with him so he can teach me maintenance exercises. Since having a trainer is the only thing that's effectively kept me on track, I feel it's a vital resource through this whole period even if it is difficult for me to afford. I can't afford to let him go! And on this keto diet I'm realizing how quickly I go through produce and how expensive it is. The only good thing about this diet is that I'm getting the exact same things over and over so it's going to be pretty much the same cost every month with minor changes when I refuse to eat eggs.

One day I'll be able to go back to my really cheap generic brand-buying, $20 gym membership and won't have to spend ungodly amounts of money on clothes so often just to prevent looking like a hobo...

Seedlings of a new me starting?

When I was younger, I used to be a "morning" person. My alarm would go off, and I wouldn't be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but I would turn off the alarm and get up. I didn't even know what the snooze button did for years. I got to college and that routine continued for several years. Finally, into the George years (also known as the worst time of my life) I discovered the snooze button and unfortunately haven't looked back since. I now constantly press the snooze button 1-4 times a morning. I hate this about myself because if I hated getting up just as much before, why give myself the stress of running late for no extra benefit?

The next few days I'm working 8:30-5 at my full-time job but then working at the theater afterwards from 6-10 pm. I don't have the conscience to go two days in a row without a trip to the gym if sickness isn't involved. So I'm waking up at 5:30 to get to the gym by 6 am for an hour workout before my long long day. Of course this also means that I need to have all my meals pre-packaged and ready to grab on my way out for a 14 hour day. And yknow what? I did it. Last night I prepared 5 meals for both Wednesday and Thursday and this morning I got up at 5:30 am for the gym for a full hours workout - 5 min warmup, 30 minute treadmill, 30 minute bike. Strangely enough, I didn't use the snooze button once - even at this ridiculously early hour. Tomorrow? I will get up again and repeat everything that happened today.

I find it strange that when it comes to hitting the gym in the morning, I refuse to press snooze, yet when it's work that I'm waking up for, my hands don't hesitate to delay my waking. That's how important my exercise has become to me. I can't explain the feeling I have when I skip the gym....it's a mixed emotion of regret and guilt and shame and nonchalance all wrapped into one. I trust that if I don't go to the gym today, I'll go tomorrow. And if I don't go tomorrow, i'll go first thing in the morning the next day AND after work. Nearly every workday I walk for an hour as my lunch break, and it has to be raining or me feeling really crappy to not take the opportunity to walk into town. Sometimes I'll have company, sometimes I bring my iPod....but it's constant.

I'm so thankful that I've gotten to a point of routine and that exercise is a habit as well as a pleasure. I'm learning to push through pain instead of letting up at the sign of it. I'm also proud that I've found a balance and I'm not overworking or abusing myself anymore, especially when I make a little slipup. I swear it's this diet. It just gives me so much self control because I have no choice but to follow the menu. If I cheat, I wasted it all and my body goes completely out of whack and starts turning carbs into fat.

I feel strong. I feel capable. And I feel ready to attack my psyche and figure out the tangled mess of webs that got me to 240 lbs and depressed. If only I knew where to start...

WELCOME ME TO THE 100 CLUB!!!!!!!

I did it! This morning for the first time in too many years, I weighed in under 200 lbs. Yesterday I stepped on the scale thinking "Today is the day!" and the scale read 200.0. I could just hear the scale laughing at me. And today I stepped on that scale again in the morning thinking "Let's see if I'm 200.0 again or if I gained a little water weight" and I weighed in at 199.2!!! Which is funny because 3 days ago I weighed 200.8 so for the past three days I've lost .8 lbs in a single day. Strange, but I'll take it!

Now that I'm under the 200 hump I feel like my plateau is officially broken and I can take off running. I'm going to aim big (or small, as it were) for 140 lbs. I figure if I set my sights high then I'm bound to hit goal in no time. If i work hard, I'll hit goal by the one-year anniversary of working with Shane in April. I can DO this! I feel unstoppable now! Being under 200 felt impossible, but now that I've done it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER let myself get above 200 again.

Here's the game plan since this week is crazy a little:
Tues - No gym, watch Biggest Loser with roomie (who I desperately need to catch up with)
Wed - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Thurs - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Fri - Gym at 2 after half day of work
Sat - Go to LI with Johanna, her twin and Kathryn to meet TARA COSTA!!!
Sun - Gym in morning before matinee at the theater

Seeing results again makes getting up at 5:30 am for the gym seem not so terrible, I must say.

A little personal

They say that posture is key to showing your confidence. It's not usually a conscious thing, it just kinda happens that way. When you're self conscious you tend to hunch your shoulders and cower. When you're confident and open, your shoulders are back and your head is lifted and your chest is out. It just happens. I realize that my posture, even at the gym, is broadening. I can feel my body's confidence in itself which is a really bizarre and cool feeling. But I feel this confidence in other ways too.

Today I wore my new size 14 jeans and felt svelte. I also bought a new green cardigan so it was the first time in a while I was wearing something that actually fit correctly. I went to the theater to work and I just felt fantastic. I couldn't stop smiling at customers and conversing with colleagues. Normally I'd find any reason to have a moment to myself or read so I didn't have to make awkward small talk. But I'm doing less and less of that now. I find I usually smile on my face.

The most prominent place I realize this growth in confidence is with men. Even though I'm on a break from dating, I still check guys out: at the gym, at the theater, in passing, etc. I used to pass an attractive guy and immediately slump to avoid eye contact. "He's out of my league. He'd never find me attractive," I'd think. I never believed I had a chance with any guy, even those less gifted in the looks area. Now? With my head held high, I can check out an attractive man and think "How can I grab his attention? I bet I could get him to check me out." What a change from before! I no longer see men as these unattainable fantasies. And I know that while I probably have another 60 lbs to lose, the confidence I'm exuding will attract them to me before I reach that goal. Heck, it's even happening now.

It's superficial and it's silly, but it's something that I've wanted to change for a long time. I never wanted to look at a guy and think "I could never get him" again.

THAT, my friend, is progress.

Second is the new first!

Results are in!! I won SECOND PLACE in the Biggest Loser competition at Retro!!!! I'm so proud of myself! I knew I'd place! I won't lie, I'm super curious how much I lost by because losing over 16 lbs and 3.1% body fat is pretty big for two months. But good for the number one winner! And it was a woman! So she definitely beat me fair and square! Stupid men and their ability to lose weight by blinking...

This is SO not the end! I have so much farther to go on this journey and so much more to accomplish! Shane texted me to congratulate me and my first thought was "Thanks! But we have some serious work to do still!" He suggested we kill the bitch. I giggled.

While an experience like this (especially with so much praise and support from friends and family upon hearing the good news!) is especially motivating, it ultimately means nothing. It's a great milestone. But this by no means is the end of anything. Nor is it the beginning. This is a pleasant little rest stop on the highway to healthy :)

Tortellini makes me tortilooney

I made it four weeks on the keto diet! I finished the first four weeks of this program and now I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel my glycogen levels. It felt like I was running on empty and was seriously time to "refeed".

So tonight I had my first cheat meal. When you cheat, you're supposed to have stuff that's terrible for you. You're supposed to shock your system into kicking your metabolism back into high gear. Here I am after three helpings of tortellini alfredo, half a loaf of bread, a handful of jordan almonds, three chocolate truffles, a handful of mike and ikes, a black & white cookie and two glasses of v8 fusion. I don't have a food baby...I have food triplets. I'd feel terribly guilty that I ate this while watching the Biggest Loser if it weren't for the fact that I'm doing this as part of a diet regimen.

I really struggled figuring out what I wanted as my cheat meal. It feels wrong to eat this stuff and to want to eat it. Truth be told, I didn't get any sense of satisfaction eating bread or chocolate the way I used to. Before starting any of this fitness nonsense, when I craved something, partaking of it released pressure. Much like the relief of scratching an itch, fulfilling a craving gave me a sense of euphoria. Sure it's tasty, but I don't feel like I just fueled some demon inside my body lusting for carbs.

Now that i've passed the initial four week period and I've finally gotten my first cheat meal, I realize how important this diet was for my journey. Some people I tell about it say it sounds extremely unhealthy and think that I'll gain a ton of weight back when I go off it. But you know what? This diet is a huge test of my self control and will power. Sure, I've wanted to quit my diet a few times b/c I was frustrated with a lack of results. But I never felt the urge to cheat. The times I wanted to quit I wanted fruit. I wanted whole wheat toast. I wanted my low-fat swiss cheese and nonfat yogurt. I don't feel the need to eat pizza or chinese food or burgers. I crave things that are good for me and I realize what a huge step that is.

From this point forth I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel on carbs and feed off that glycogen for the week. I can't wait to see what results I get on the scale and in my energy levels for my workouts after this!

"Daddy, how much protein is in a donut?"

The verdict on the plateau is in: diet soda was holding me back. Lost 1.5 lbs since I stopped drinking it two days ago. No more diet soda for Gina! However the good news is that, since the scale is moving again, I feel fairly confident that I could hold out on my cheat meal til Saturday like originally planned instead of Tuesday when I'm first able to have one.

As I continue to grow weary of my repetitious diet, I realize how much I still have yet to learn about food. I had a session this morning at 9 am and felt that eating a crap ton of eggs and egg whites before my session (especially leg day!) would be an epically bad life choice. So I ate Meal 2 first. When Shane asked what I'd already had today, I told him of my switch and expressed my disdain for the eggs that await me. And he tells me "Well just switch it out for the same amount of fat and protein." Now he says this carelessly because he's been doing it so long that he knows the fat/carb/calorie/protein content of everything he consumes. I am still very unaware of how much of what is in the food I eat. Even on this diet, I know what I'm supposed to eat and that certain things are more fat than protein, but I don't know the actual numerical breakdown.

I'd like to think I'm pretty smart. So I'm confused why facts like these won't stick with me. Why can't I ever sit down, do the math, and remember how much fat and protein is in something so that I can replace it with something else that would be a little more satisfying if not just a change of menu pace? Shane mentioned that I could replace my eggs on my Day 2 menu with probably 5 lowfat cheesesticks for the same nutritional intake. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS CHEESE?!??!?! It is to my mental benefit to learn these things at this point!!!

So amongst my normal challenges of sticking to this diet without cheating, continuing going to the gym on a regular (if not more frequent by going twice a day) basis, and keeping a confident and positive attitude, I must also challenge myself to learn more about food. Food should not be my enemy. I shouldn't be depriving myself of things of things I like forever. I should just learn more about them to make informed eating decisions.

Here's to cheese! May it always come to the rescue!

A Milestone To Be Proud Of

I have been suffering for several weeks now with two things: a plateau and baggy clothes. I believe I may have a breakthrough on both today.


Under the assumption that diet soda won't kill me, I had been drinking it religiously (2-4 cans a day) while starting my keto diet. I started to drink a lot of it in my second week thinking it was a nice alternative to other drinks I can't have and a nice change from water. Shane told me that he drinks at least one of those Big Gulps from 7-Eleven of diet soda every day because it's his vice and he doesn't have an issue with it. Well....I think he's a liar. Because yesterday was the first day I drank no soda and it was also the first time I saw the scale move in two weeks. If tomorrow I see the scale move down again, I'm going to know that diet soda was holding me back for two weeks. And while I would be frustrated that I "wasted" two weeks at a stagnant weight, I'm glad that it stayed still instead of going up and I'm glad I know why it happened.

This week I've spent some time sorting through literally all my clothes to figure out what I should get rid of, what I should get tailored, and what still fits. The "get tailored" pile is biggest. I have so many clothes I love that I just can't afford to replace right now. Yet somehow, knowing that my budget is limited (from a low salary plus lots of wedding expenses) doesn't prevent me from buying certain things. Last night I saw a teal satin trench coat in a size "L" that just drew me in. I put it on and I just felt fantastic. I needed a rain coat and it was $39.99 and I couldn't say no to it. Something as simple as a coat that makes me feel that stellar just has to be in my wardrobe. But then after work, something amazing happened.

At my largest, I was a size 20. Not only was I not okay with weighing almost a quarter of a ton at 240 lbs, but I was not okay with my dress size being so damn close to my age. As my colleague, Rebecca, and I passed the Gap in the mall, she talked me into trying on some new dress pants and jeans. I do need dress pants desperately because NONE of mine fit. I did not have luck on dress pants but I did manage to get into a few pairs of jeans. Now because of all this weight I've been losing I have no concept of what size I am. I tried on a size 16 dress pant and they fit okay. I tried on a size 16 jean and they were too big. We get me a smaller size and a size 14 jeans fit like a glove. 14!!! I know that's still big but in five months I've lost4 dress sizes! I honestly can't even remember the last time I wore a size 14. I still have my issues with certain parts of my body *ahem*thunderthighs*ahem*, but I couldn't believe how much better I was looking in a fitting room mirror.

So wow. Size 14. I can't wait to get to single digits and finally be in the 100 club!

Challenge Complete: Results Pending

My gym decided two months ago that it was going to run it's own Biggest Loser challenge. It was going to give you two months to lose as much body fat as you could. When you did your initial weigh-in, they weigh you and take your body fat percentage. I figured "Hey I'm competitive. Why not." This is what inspired a keto diet, to further the progression. I was afraid since I was already two months into my training that I would be plateauing throughout this competition. Thankfully, the keto diet put me at better odds and I have had my final weigh-in this morning: I lost 16.6 lbs and 3.1% body fat since I weighed-in for the challenge. They will contact me in the next few days to let me know if I'm a winner!

1st place - free month of personal training
2nd place - 3 free months of gym membership
3rd place - 1 free month of gym membership
All participants get a little something!


On a very coincidental note, the Biggest Loser Season 8 premieres today!!! The theme this season is "Second Chances" and includes Danny from last season who already lost 150 lbs as well as a woman who lost her entire family to a car crash. I can already tell that I'm going to be crying every Tuesday. AGAIN. I feel pity for these people as much as I can relate to them.

The other day at the Bridal Shower, my aunt asked me what changed. Why I finally decided to get in shape. And I didn't have an answer. She suggested that maybe my brother's wedding was motivation. While she's definitely onto something, but I don't believe that's the whole motivation. I believe that finally watching The Biggest Loser last season was a huge inspiration. Watching Tara, who I very highly identify with, go through all this competition and progress just made me realize "She can do this. If I'm also the type of person who puts my mind to something and can always achieve it, why is my weight the one exception to this rule??" She just dominated every challenge and never gave up. How she didn't win, I'll never understand. But the point is that she was living what I should be doing. There's no reason that my weight should be the only thing I can't conquer.

But then that puts me on the slippery slope to thinking other things. Why did I never feel like this was something I had control over? Even now, after losing 40 lbs, I feel accomplished but I don't feel as though getting down to 130 lbs is something that I'm capable of. I'm stuck on a plateau that I can't shake and my brain just wants to accept that that's enough. That I'm not capable of more. How do I convince myself that I'm worth it? That I CAN do this. I've come this far....how can I let myself down now??

How do I even find answers to these questions????

Evidence of Progress

Yesterday must have been one of the craziest and busiest days I've had in a few months. I figured with a training session first thing in the morning, a wedding and a bridal shower in three different parts of NJ that I'd surely be cheating on my diet. Lo and behold...

I packed a cooler (as per a suggestion from roomie, Kathryn) with some chicken and protein powder. I cooked the chicken and cut it into nugget-size pieces so that I could eat them as I was driving from one event to the other. By the time I left for the wedding ceremony in Trenton at 12:30, I had already had my first and second meal of the day. After the ceremony ended just before 3:00 pm, I jumped in the car and drove the 45 minutes to Southampton for the bridal shower. On the way, I ate one of my packs of chicken. Upon arrival, I ate a cup of the only green vegetable I could find, cucumbers. At 5:30, I hopped back in the car for the hour and twenty minute drive to Bridgewater for the wedding reception. On this car ride I ate my other packet of chicken and then when the time came for the dinner buffet, I took a heaping bowl of salad to tide me over. I drank water and a vodka with diet soda (b/c i'm allowed clear liquor) but I felt basically fine. The wedding cake and some pastries came out for everyone and I was very tempted by that, but I find that if I savor the smell of these things it's as good as eating it without any guilt. Okay..it's not as good as eating it. But if it's between smelling it a lot like a freak with no guilt or eating some and obliterating my diet, i'm going with the guiltless option. Then on the drive home from Bridgewater, I ate my protein powder which was the last meal of the day.

Let's remember that Project 23 is not just about dieting and exercise. It's also about bettering myself as a person and becoming more social and happy. Yesterday was definitely evidence of my growth in these areas (Side note: Funny that my inner self needs to grow, while my outer self needs to shrink). At the ceremony, I walked in in my fabulous teal dress and purple heels and lavender coat with my purple clutch and just felt dynamite. One of the groomsmen escorted me to my seat and I sat alone, an entire pew to myself, for the ceremony. Old Gina would have felt very uncomfortable and self conscious through the whole ordeal. This New Gina apparently revels in doing things alone. I sat there, happily, taking my pictures, stood, sat and kneeled with everyone else and I got teary-eyed when the bride and groom got choked up on their vows. Yet this whole time, I felt nothing but contentment reveling in the reason I was there: the joining of two people in holy matrimony. The focus in my head was only for Natalie and Jay as I watched it all happen. A welcome change from the focus of "Who's looking at me and judging me? Who thinks I look fat in this dress?". (Side note: Funny that taking care of myself and doing a lot more things for me results in thinking less about myself in social situations)

At the bridal shower, I flew in in a frenzy and changed into jeans so that I could mingle with as many friends and family members as I could before I had to leave 2 hours later. Apparently my Aunt has been following my facebook statuses and updates about my fitness regimin and immediately inquired about the details. My grandparents, who I haven't seen in a while, commented quite a few times on how great I was looking. Kelly's family members were all happy to see me as well as commenting on how much weight I must have lost. EVERYONE seemed to have something to say. It just boosted my confidence through the roof. I felt interesting and charming with everyone I came across. I caught up with my cousins, Vinnie's friends, other family members and close friends of the family. However soon my time was up and I had to change back into my teal dress and heels to get back to the wedding reception in north jersey. In a whirlwind, I said my goodbyes.

Back at the reception and cocktail hour, the few I knew picked up the compliments on my appearance. All positive ego boosters. Even though I was the only single person sitting at a table of three other couples and often sat alone during a slow dance, I felt no loneliness or shame in this. So I didn't have a date to a wedding. So I wasn't dancing. Big deal. The song "You're nobody til somebody loves you"came on and I just found myself laughing. So silly to assume that b/c you're not in love that you're any less of a person. I did dance with some friends and had a great time just enjoying all the love and happiness in the room. I found myself taking pictures and smiling as I watched other people dance and Natalie and Jay have the night of their lives. It was the first time I went to a wedding and got teary-eyed with happiness and only happiness.

At no point over the course of the entire day did I feel lonely or insuffiicient because I lacked a boyfriend, fiance or husband. I finally was living in the moment instead of feeling self conscious over the things I lack. Now I can't WAIT for the other weddings to make more great memories!

Back on track

After a rough day and a half, I seem to be back on track. The weather is pretty gross which is messing with my energy level, but I feel more confident about all this again. I bought some turkey bacon and tofu yesterday to substitute for my eggs some mornings. Eggs, turkey bacon, tofu....it's all pretty pricey so it's not like one is more of an economical choice, unfortunately. But at least I'll have some breakfast variety. I try to switch around the types of tea I drink to change up the morning routine instead.

Tomorrow I have a wedding AND a bridal shower to go to. And I'm not allowed a cheat meal yet. I actually have to pack a little cooler for myself with my Day 1 menu. I have no idea how I'm going to manage to go to two huge events and not touch any of their food, but I have no choice. I'll be able to drink some things and perhaps eat some vegetables when I'm scheduled to eat them throughout the day, but ultimately I think i'm on my own and will be only drinking diet soda and water. Can't even drink champagne, sadly.

This will be the ultimate test. And i'm very glad that I already had my weak moment yesterday because if I felt as bad as I did yesterday during these events tomorrow, I would have caved and I would have quit. But I feel confident about tomorrow. I'm very fortunate that my next two weddings will occur on cheat days. You bet I'll be eating tons of wedding cake and drinking lots of alcohol then!

I'm NOT a quitter.

I came |THIS| close to quitting my keto diet today. I don't know what happened but I just woke up and something in me snapped. The idea of consuming one more egg or egg white just enraged me. Why the hell am I eating this crap if the scale's not going to move! I actually had to text Shane to ask what an alternative to eating eggs was b/c if I eat one more egg I think I might hurl myself down a flight of steps. Dramatic? Maybe. You eat the same exact thing every day for 2 1/2 weeks and tell me how you feel.

After much verbal, out-loud deliberation with several friends and colleagues, Johanna was the only one to talk me off the ledge. "NO!! You've come so far! You've already made it over halfway through to your cheat meal day! Don't give up now! You're so close! I won't let you quit on my watch!!" She was just so enthusiastic about me sticking with it that I finally decided she's right. And giving up at the stage of the game will have wasted all the effort I've put in thus far. Only a few days ago I was talking about how easy this keto diet was because I was seeing results. Now that I see nothing, I'm getting frustrated so easily and finally starting to feel the burden of a lack of variety in my diet. But I won't quit. I will not have wasted almost three weeks for nothing! I refuse!

Now, because my eggs were trying to kill me this morning, I'm starving because I neglected to eat at least half of my breakfast. So all day, even though I've eaten my other two meals in full, I feel ravenous. I have work at the theater tonight, so I doubt i'll have the energy to hit the gym afterward.


*Sigh* Oh motivation. You have forsaken me today.

Deliver us from evil

To say that I was in a bad mood this evening might be an understatement. I believe the words "pissy" and "stabby" may be more appropriate. A whole bunch of things came to a head at once and made me temporarily lose my mind. Today was the first day I really did not want to go see my trainer and had absolutely no desire to train.

Here's the issue with that.... once I did get to the gym, I decided abusing my body was the way to make me feel better. "Maybe if I'm really tired when I get home, I won't stress anymore." Well. It kinda worked. Except now I'm upset instead of angry. Apparently depression is anger without enthusiasm.

Before starting the keto diet, if I found myself emotional eating, I would have one of two reactions: A) continue to emotional eat and mope all evening ashamed of myself or B) go to the gym for a long long time repeating the mantra "i don't deserve to eat" until my legs were jelly. I once told my trainer, Shane, of this sort of activity to which he said, "That's called a mental disorder, Gina."

How do we teach ourselves to take the bad with the good instead of punishing ourselves? When we get upset or angry, why do we turn to food for comfort? And if not gluttony, why do we abuse our bodies instead of taking some form of healthy alternative? I'm so far into this mentality, that I can't even think of a healthy alternative to take out some aggression and pain.

The struggle continues

I have nothing but proof that my body is shrinking. The scale is going down, my clothes fit looser, people comment often that I look as though I'm disappearing, and i'm wearing three-four dress sizes smaller than I was in April. Yet most of the time, when I look in the mirror, I could swear that I look exactly the same.

Perhaps it's because I'm losing weight evenly so I'm the same shape but a smaller version. Or perhaps it's because when you spend so long being a certain size, you don't realize that you actually are smaller yet. Whatever the case, I find this phenomena as frustrating as it is scary. I don't want to turn into one of those people who's rail thin but still sees themself as a plus-size person. I'm aware that many people have at least a mild form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Even the skinnest girl will think that her arms are fat or a model will think that his nose is too big. But will I never see myself as I really am? Will I always have the twisted thought that someone just switched all my clothes for bigger sizes while I slept?

I don't want to be obsessed with my weight forever, whether it be lowering it or maintaining it. I'm finally coming to the part of my journey that is going to be an emotional struggle to accept who I'm becoming. I need to figure out what got me to weigh almost a quarter of a ton. I need to figure out what triggered my "click" moment where I finally buckled down and got serious about my health. Most importantly, I need to figure out how to love myself.

Can I ever forgive myself for letting it all get so out of hand in the first place?

Ode to my protein powder

Dear Whey Protein,


At first, I felt like owning you made me a meathead. The big 5 lb tub of you I ordered was a little intimidating but I was told you were good for me so I had to try you out. Your Cinnamon Bun flavor was exciting at first! The way just adding a little water to you made you into a cake batter consistency or if I microwaved you you'd turn into a brownie...but soon your effect began to fade. And you didn't interest me as much.
Since I started this keto diet and you've become an important part of my menu twice a day, you've rekindled my love. I now look forward to partaking of you and savoring the delectable flavor that left me indifferent before. Your simplicity makes you easily portable and quick to ingest. Though 40 grams of you is not a lot, you still manage to satisfy twice a day as though you were a treat and not a vital part of my diet.


Thanks for being you, Whey Protein. Don't ever change.



~Gina

P.S. Please don't be upset if I turn to the Vanilla Caramel flavor for satisfaction too. She's a temptress I can't help but be interested in.

Intro to Keto

My trainer put me on a ketogenic diet as a "let's see what happens" strategy. The results, in only 11 days, are kind of outstanding. I've lost 13 lbs.

For those of you playing the home game, a ketogenic diet is a diet that's predominantly protein and some fat with very little carbohydrates of ANY kind. Most are familiar with the Atkins diet which is a form of a ketogenic diet. The diet is designed to put you into a state of ketosis (the accumulation of excessive ketones in the body, as in diabetic acidosis). Ketosis can be used to treat epilepsy but it is also a state that puts your body in high fat-burning gear. Typically, your body would produce energy from the carbohydrates you ingest. Since this diet provides you with 50 or less grams of carbohydrates in a day, your body learns to use a new source of fuel. They say you'll feel "weird" for the first few days because it takes approximately four days to get into a state of ketosis. Let me tell you..."weird" is the only way to describe the feeling. There's a strange taste in your mouth and your stomach feels out of sorts and you almost feel disoriented. It's not pleasant. For me, this feeling passed after the first day and a half, luckily.

For a female, the diet plan goes like this:

Day 1:
Meal 1: 12 egg whites
Meal 2: 40 grams of whey protein
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken and 1 cup asparagus or green beans
Meal 4: 6 oz. white fish with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots, or red peppers) using mustard and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein

Day 2: Repeated two days in a row
Meal 1: 2 whole eggs, 6 egg whites
Meal 2: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken with 1 oz. (1/4 cup) or cashews, almonds or walnuts
Meal 4: 6 oz. salmon, swordfish or lean red meat with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots or red peppers) using macadamia nut oil and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter


You follow Day 1's diet, and then do two days of Day 2's diet, and repeat. For the first four weeks you eat like this. After this point, you are required to have a "cheat meal". Basically you eat whatever you want to restore your glycogen levels. Your body then feeds off that for the week until the next feeding. Shane highly suggests a whole pizza and a few doughnuts because that's what he does. Eww.

Although extremely specific, this diet is as motivating as it is limiting. But just imagine watching 5 lbs melt off in a day....it helps keep me pretty focused. September 26th will be my first cheat meal day. I have a long way to go but a blazing trail of determination behind me already!

Clothes Are No Longer The Devil

After work today, I went shopping for wedding shoes for my friend, Rose, who will be getting married in October. I went along to help her out because sometimes she needs help deciding things. I just love helping other people shop because I seem to be good luck for them! We go to DSW shoes and afterward I wanted to go to Ross Stores to find an outfit for a wedding I will be attending next weekend. Four hours later, I'm almost $200 poorer but brought home a clutch, two pairs of heels and a dress.

I used to hate shopping. Malls literally depressed me. I would go in to find something or just to look around and would come out hating myself and sometimes crying. Nothing ever fit that I tried on. If I was being honest with myself, sometimes I would try on things that were a size too small because I simply could not accept that I had gained more weight and some things just looked terrible on me when they did fit. I was ashamed to be shopping in stores like Torrid and Lane Bryant and feeling the eyes of passerbys watching me go in or out and was embarrassed to even carry the shopping bag around with me after a rare purchase. I wouldn't go clothes shopping for myself unless I brought another big-boned friend with me. I hated to drag my skinny friends into a "Fat Store".

Companies design clothes for bigger women with either large stomachs or large chests. I have neither really, so trying on shirts was always a big frustration. If I don't fit into the clothes in regular stores, and the clothes in the "Fat Store" don't fit me right, how am I supposed to cover and hide my body attractively? Well...I didn't really.

After losing 35 lbs, I realize how significant a loss it is. Not only am I proud to put on clothes that are two-three sizes smaller than I'm used to, but I'm finding that I have more choices. I'm getting bolder in my fashion choices too because I'm not as afraid to draw attention to myself. This evening I bought a teal dress that I will wear with purple pumps and other purple accessories (clutch, earrings, bangle, etc.). At my heaviest of 240 lbs, I never would have felt comfortable wearing such bold colors and making a fashion statement with these contrasting colors. My entire wardrobe, up until a few months ago, was all black. "Black is slimming."

With this transformation, not only am I regaining confidence to express my playful personality with things like purple high heels, but I'm gaining color in my life. When I wear colors, I feel better. I feel more alive. When I wear black, I feel more serious and find that I'm almost mopey all day. Black can be a power color, but not when you wear it daily. It's just something I never thought about changing with this lifestyle alteration I'm making. It just kind of happened.

It feels good not to live in black and white anymore :)

My Journey: From Fat To Fit

After subscribing to several blogs of others who inspire me, fitness-ly speaking, I decided maybe I should be keeping a blog of my journey on the road from being overweight to living an athletic lifestyle. Yknow, a blog dedicated to my glories as well as my frustrations along this journey that is going to take a while.

In all fairness, I'm cheating. I've already lost about 35 lbs. But I'm confident that I can back-log some of my experiences and continue on from this point. I'm doing this blog not only for myself, but for anyone who may need a little extra motivation. This is a blog to say "Hey. I'm human. I struggle too. Let me tell you how I'm dealing while you work too."

I hope to look back on this and see how far I've come so that I always have a reason, even on a bad day, to be proud of myself. Because this weight loss isn't about looking great naked (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a motivator)...it's about confidence. It's about doing all the things I ever wanted to do and finally taking care of my body the way I should have started years ago.


Project 23 is what I call this process of self-reformation. Whenever someone used to ask me "What do you think the perfect age is?" I would always answer 23. It's just enough older than 21 to be considered a legal adult but it's still not your mid-twenties and you're limited by not being able to rent cars without an astronomical price rate. It just seemed perfect to me. So when I turned 23 on Oct 13th 2008, I vowed that my 23rd year would be my best. I vowed that I would do everything I could to get in shape and become a happier person. So here I am!

Important characters you'll meet along the way:
Shane - my personal trainer who I picked up in April 2009. He looks like Channing Tatum and makes me laugh.
Kathryn - my new roommate who's training for a half-Iron Man at the moment. Whoa.
Tara Costa - my idol from season 7 of the Biggest Loser. It's the first season I watched and I want to be friends with her in real life. She's a huge inspiration.
Ashley - a great friend who's kinda doing the same for herself while she lives in Holland with her husband. We keep each other in check via AIM and facebook.


I'm signing off my first blog with one of Tara's (and now my) favorite inspirational quote...
"They never said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it."