Seedlings of a new me starting?

When I was younger, I used to be a "morning" person. My alarm would go off, and I wouldn't be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but I would turn off the alarm and get up. I didn't even know what the snooze button did for years. I got to college and that routine continued for several years. Finally, into the George years (also known as the worst time of my life) I discovered the snooze button and unfortunately haven't looked back since. I now constantly press the snooze button 1-4 times a morning. I hate this about myself because if I hated getting up just as much before, why give myself the stress of running late for no extra benefit?

The next few days I'm working 8:30-5 at my full-time job but then working at the theater afterwards from 6-10 pm. I don't have the conscience to go two days in a row without a trip to the gym if sickness isn't involved. So I'm waking up at 5:30 to get to the gym by 6 am for an hour workout before my long long day. Of course this also means that I need to have all my meals pre-packaged and ready to grab on my way out for a 14 hour day. And yknow what? I did it. Last night I prepared 5 meals for both Wednesday and Thursday and this morning I got up at 5:30 am for the gym for a full hours workout - 5 min warmup, 30 minute treadmill, 30 minute bike. Strangely enough, I didn't use the snooze button once - even at this ridiculously early hour. Tomorrow? I will get up again and repeat everything that happened today.

I find it strange that when it comes to hitting the gym in the morning, I refuse to press snooze, yet when it's work that I'm waking up for, my hands don't hesitate to delay my waking. That's how important my exercise has become to me. I can't explain the feeling I have when I skip the gym....it's a mixed emotion of regret and guilt and shame and nonchalance all wrapped into one. I trust that if I don't go to the gym today, I'll go tomorrow. And if I don't go tomorrow, i'll go first thing in the morning the next day AND after work. Nearly every workday I walk for an hour as my lunch break, and it has to be raining or me feeling really crappy to not take the opportunity to walk into town. Sometimes I'll have company, sometimes I bring my iPod....but it's constant.

I'm so thankful that I've gotten to a point of routine and that exercise is a habit as well as a pleasure. I'm learning to push through pain instead of letting up at the sign of it. I'm also proud that I've found a balance and I'm not overworking or abusing myself anymore, especially when I make a little slipup. I swear it's this diet. It just gives me so much self control because I have no choice but to follow the menu. If I cheat, I wasted it all and my body goes completely out of whack and starts turning carbs into fat.

I feel strong. I feel capable. And I feel ready to attack my psyche and figure out the tangled mess of webs that got me to 240 lbs and depressed. If only I knew where to start...