Day 2 of Rehab

I did well yesterday. I ate well and did weights at the gym (which I HATE doing) and then added on another 30 min of cardio. Today I will do legs and another 30 min of cardio. I stocked up on some fruit last night since I was almost completely out and I'm prepared for snacking with dried figs, pears and unsalted almonds. The chili I had in the crockpot during the day yesterday is high in sodium, but otherwise quite healthy. And it's delicious. So I will partake of that for approximately 8 meals. I also concocted a sort of chicken, turkey bacon, cheese pita that I have for lunch today. It's also stuffed with red onions and lettuce and I have broccoli for a side.

Last night I had 5 pieces of salt water taffy as a dessert. I did indulge in 5 more. Which was a little overdone. Yet, b/c of my efforts throughout the day, I still managed to lose exactly 1 lb since yesterday. Water weight, I'm sure. But its obvious that little things will add up quickly. And by the time the water weight comes off and I'm just losing fat like normal, I'll have the gym be a habit again.

See? I can do this. Just one step at a time.

I'm also donating blood tonight. For the third time since December. I highly recommend it. It's a good way to do something selfless without even really trying. Plus you get free juice or cookies after. That can be my dessert tonight :)

It's All Your Fault

Every. Time. I manage to convince myself that THIS is my turn-around point to continue my weight-loss and "get back on the wagon" (Dear lord I'm sick of hearing myself say it, so I know you must be), and every time I manage to blow it. I need a new approach dammit.

I can blame my boyfriend. I can blame my family. I can blame the summer. I can point fingers at anyone for why I've been eating crap and not exercising. There's always another place to be or a person to go out with but the fact of the matter is that I can make the choice to suggest a more active activity or to make healthier choices off a restaurant menu. They may not be exciting. They may not be that delicious and juicy burger. But feeling good is so much better than the temporary taste in my mouth. The taste will fade and my guilt will emerge. Especially when it comes time to step on the scale the next morning. It's just not worth it. Yet here I am....for the 230948203948th time...trying to start over.

The only thing I can do is try. I can post pictures of bikinis on my fridge all I want but they're going to do me no good at work when Paul brings in those communal hostess treats for the kitchen. All the emergency almonds & cashews in my desk are for naught if I go home and let myself just eat whatever I can find because I'm hungry then and too lazy to cook something better for myself first. It's sad because there are quite a few times when I just eat way too much of something instead of eating a moderate amount of something unhealthy. I don't keep fried foods or junk of any kind in my apartment. On purpose. I don't keep ice cream, chips, cookies or any other such temptations. Sometimes I'll make sweet potato fries by cutting them up and baking them myself. Or I'll make some sugar-free jello or pudding. And sometimes I keep kettle corn in the house. But it's like I get home and someone flips a switch and my need to consume anything and everything is inconsolable.

I'll make a confession. A week ago I bought a gallon of that new red velvet Blue Bunny ice cream for my bf b/c he loves ice cream and  it was on sale. He has portion control issues too so I spooned him out some one night as a surprise and he ate it graciously. Over the course of the next two days, I finished the gallon of ice cream. I FINISHED 2/3 OF A GALLON OF ICE CREAM IN TWO DAYS. When I'm feeling good and happy and I'm eating b/c I'm hungry and not to get a fix, I actually don't need that much to be full. Yet it is absolutely disgusting how much I can consume when I'm feeling manic and out of control. I believe one of those evenings not only did I eat a good portion of that ice cream but I had two bagels, three bowls of frosted mini wheats and leftover pasta with meatsauce I made. It was within a relatively short period of time and I wound up passing out in a food coma at 8 pm that night.

Un. Acceptable.

I have to focus. That is key. At work I feel completely confident in my efforts. I know that my self control is usually slightly more under control if I hit the gym after work. So I really need to make an effort to get there no matter what just to help my chances once I walk in that door. Sometimes I think that living by myself is the reason I gained 20 of those 50 lbs lost back. I have no fear of someone catching my binge or someone noticing that a large portion of something disappeared quickly. Again...my own fault. Just because I'm eating alone and no one else knows what I'm consuming (and how ungodly much) doesn't mean that my body doesn't know. It reminds me of an episode of The Nanny where Fran Drescher grabs two slices of pizza but places one on top of the other and eats them as if it were one. She states "I'm only going to have one slice" but Maggie points out that she's holding two. Fran says "Oh no sweetie...it's okay. The body doesn't know." The audience interjects laughter. I shake my head. The body knows.

Just for today.....I can do this.

If only a cupcake a day could keep the doctor at bay

Supposedly your body craves things it needs. This is why we often crave sweet and salty junk food. Because our bodies are starting to detox from the last time we binged on sweet and salty snacks and we're about do for another fix. Typically you can trick a craving with something similar. People spend years trying to find recipes for healthy versions of items that we so typically crave. Apparently, there's no tricking this craving I have for cupcakes.

A few weeks ago I learned that the House of Cupcakes in Princeton was going to be on the Food Channel show "Cupcake Wars". I love this show. So much in fact, that I flip-flopped between it and my OTHER favorite show just to watch this particular episode. Usually I'll just watch the re-runs as they appear later. Ever since I learned this, I have not been able to get cupcakes off my mind. I've tried eating dark chocolate. I've tried eating ice cream. It doesn't help. Maybe it satisfies me for a short while but the fact of the matter is that if it worked I would not still be thinking about cupcakes two weeks later! I've literally been researching cupcake bakeries in my area just to get one decent one to fill the need. I'd go to a grocery store except they sell them in packs of 6 and - quite frankly - I don't trust myself alone with 6 cupcakes. Because then there will be 0 cupcakes left.

What I need is to detox this crap out of my system. Remember when I was on keto and I was craving all the healthy things that I just wasn't allowed to have (e.g. fruit, oatmeal and anything BUT eggs)? Maybe that's what i have to do. Maybe I won't go on the keto diet again but perhaps just a good ole fashioned nothing-but-fruits-and-veggies binge. I'll be able to start next month when my budget rolls over and I have some grocery money again. Maybe just a solid week of fruits, vegetables, herbal teas and laxatives. That might do the trick.

P.S. I got that job interview! So if I get a new job, maybe I'll have a heftier grocery budget to work with again like I did when I first started losing weight. Having the money to buy said groceries certainly makes a difference.

Pots of Gold

When you have an unhealthy relationship with food and have to start making lifestyle changes with your eating habits, it can be difficult to think of rewards that don't involve indulgence of the edible kind. Yesterday, as I had the day off of work for President's Day, I went to go walk around the mall and Barnes & Noble for a while. As I did this, I relatively easy thought up some non-food goal rewards for myself. I have given myself some very exciting pots of gold at the end of little rainbows.

10 lb loss:  Two books I've been dying to get - "Commencement" by Sullivan and "My Fair Lazy" by Jen Lancaster

20 lb loss:  A trip to the makeup counter at Macys to experiment with (and buy!) bold red lipstick and a pedicure.

30 lb loss: A coach envelope wallet that I've been dying for. I'm not a coach fan but I need a new wallet and I really like their new pink/tan slim wallets.  I just hope they're still available when this time comes! They sell out so fast!

Ultimate goal:   A "tiffany key" necklace. It doesn't actually have to be from Tiffany's, but I've been dying for a key necklace with the heart shape incorporated in it.

I thought I did relatively well this weekend between walking around town and the malls and I went out to dinner one night and had a burger and onion rings but other than that my eating habits have been in check. Well, I'm up two lbs again from the last time I weighed myself. I know they say that you have to be careful on weekends because your routine is broken, but this just seems futile if I'm not more careful. I don't want to undo everything my week has accomplished in just a weekend. I really have to make more of an effort.

I've also decided to pack a gym bag and have it ready in my car to hit the gym straight after work. I haven't done this since I left Princeton. I'm really not sure why I ever stopped, to be honest, except that the gym I attend is different now. It really is an effective way to make sure I do what I have to do. Once I get in my apartment for the night after work, it's difficult to motivate myself to leave again and the pavlovian response is to get hungry. Since I slept in this morning instead, it's time to make good post-work habits.

Some potentially good news: I have to call a lead on a job today for a midtown Manhattan secretary/office manager position. They asked me to call them on Tuesday or Wednesday during office hours to discuss the position after receiving my resume last week. Here's hoping they ask me for an interview!

Sorry for the random post. Coffee hasn't quite made my brain work yet. It's making my body awake, but not my mind.

A little of column A...

This girl I knew from high school (and thanks to Facebook, have current random contact with), Janice, has started a new blog. She's only made a few posts but I'm already loving what she has to say. Not just because of the delivery- though the homage to Jen Lancaster makes my heart happy - but because she already displays plenty of things that go through my head. The frustration of clothes being too big when you're too poor to replace them. The envy of going out in public and seeing a skinny girl and immediately retracting into your shell or overcompensating with personality. The endless pondering of what you're doing wrong and why you can't just fix what's "broken" when you know the problem. Losing weight is like untangling a necklace that's been stuck in a jewelry box. It was so damn easy for that thing to get tangled up just sitting there yet untangling it seems like an impossible endeavor that requires forceps and expletives. Packing on the pounds is simple. Losing them is hell.

I think the problem comes down to the contradictory resources there are for losing weight. It's a several billion dollar industry advertising quick fixes. And even those that claim they're the best way to lose weight and keep it off the healthy way (Yeah, I'm looking at you Weight Watchers!) doesn't mean its the best bet for YOU. Every body is different. Women. Men. Short. Stout. Tall. Lean. Thick. Petite. How can you possibly expect Person A to lose weight on the same plan as Person B? Janice and I, though fighting the same struggle, would never be able to lose weight the same way. Yes maybe we could enjoy the same activities and eat the same foods to lose calories but in the end when its time to reach goal we will drastically have to alter our styles in order to succeed.

And so this is the fight we have. Plan Surefire has already turned out to be a waste. Gym Guarantee has stolen your money with no results. We attempt to lose our weight with a certain exercise/food plan and the plan has failed us. We reject it as bogus. Yet the twist is that we blame ourselves for the failure. It is not our fault that eating bell peppers for every meal didn't work for us. It is not our fault that yoga is the most boring activity known to man and the thought of going is less appealing than bamboo under your fingernails.

I'm speaking in generalities. I should say this for myself: If a plan doesn't work, I will try something else. I will not blame myself for a failure. This multi-billion dollar industry has enough options to make a Chinese Buffet jealous. SOMETHING will work for me and make me happy. I just have to find it.

Experimenting

I'm having trouble getting used to a routine in my new apt. I say "new" but the truth is I've been here for 9 months and I should have some form of routine by now. But considering my jobs have changed and my commutes have changed and my boyfriends have changed, it still all feels so new. I realized yesterday that getting to the gym after work when I work 10-6 and have a 2-2:30 pm lunch break, feels hard. I feel like getting to the gym before work shouldn't be hard when it only takes 15-20 min to get there.

I think I'm going to have to experiment for what works best for me. Perhaps I should have a cup of coffee around 4:30 to give myself a rousing bout of energy for when I leave work. Perhaps I should make sure to go right to the gym after work with a prepared gym bag. Perhaps I should force myself to get up before work with moving my alarm clock across the room. All options I'll have to try out to find out what works best. I know once the weather gets nicer I'll be quite happy to go for a run after work. I can feel myself now wanting to go for a run even though my endurance is shot. But it's just too cold and I still don't trust the sidewalks.

I'll get this. I just still have to toy with things. For now the eating is good and I'm starting to experiment with recipes for lentils and bulgur. Both of which are low-cal but EXTREMELY good for you: high in fiber, protein and other nutrients. A lot of bang for my calorie buck. And since I already have them, they save me money too.

Huge Help

I have blogged before about how I like the IDEA of a fitness buddy but in execution it's a possibility to alter your pace to over or underextend myself. But this plan with Johanna is turning out to be an insanely good idea.

Last night I binged. I'll admit it. I was feeling grumpy and tired and I DESTROYED my body in less than 3 hours. I got home at 6:30 and was in bed by 9:30. The last thing I wanted to do was to get up early this morning, whether I had enough sleep in me or not. I was ashamed and wanted to hide in my bed. However, this morning was a scheduled gym morning and Johanna was due to call me at 6:30 to make sure I was up and at 'em. I planned on turning off my phone and pretending it died. That's how badly I didn't want to go. Then I got up and weighed myself. It very accurately reflected the fact that I've done nothing but eat for the past four days. Between family dinner and Valentines dinners (yes, two. He took me out for one, I cooked him another), and last night's emotional episode, I had put myself up another 2 lbs from the normal wavering range. I was awake and dressed with my shoes laced up by the time she called to check on me. If it weren't for the fact taht I knew her phone call was coming, I never would've even gotten up to weigh myself and therefore forced my way to the gym. I didn't do anything crazy but I got there and did 45 min of cardio. That's more than nothing.

As we were emailing each other at work about our morning workouts, we discussed that right now we should be working on small goals since this on top of our chaotic lives can seem daunting. My small goals should be getting to the gym 3-4 times a week just to get back into the routine. Don't worry about what I'm doing...just work on getting the routine back. I should also focus on 15 min of GMAT study a day. Again, to get into the habit of it. Over time both of these things will become more frequent and endure longer. A diet shouldn't be seen as a diet but a balance intake of food including things I like. Deprivation is not the way to go. This is about changing my life and how I see food. I don't want to have such an unhealthy relationship with my kitchen any longer.

So that's what I'm working on this week. Just doing little things for today. Tomorrow's another day. But just for today? This is my focus.

A plan within a plan

I don't know why we didn't think of this before!!!!! Johanna and I decided we're going to keep each other in check. We live far apart and we don't work together anymore but we decided we're going to call each other before work to make sure the other is headed to the gym and/or going for a run. We worked together for 3 years and yet somehow we didn't manage to come up with this idea. She gets up to hit the gym before work at 6:30. While that's hours before I actually need to get up for work, it'll be good to get some leverage out of my mornings. I prefer to get things done early and when I get to work I'm alert and ready to face the day.

She has two jobs so when she gets her second job schedule we're going to set up a schedule of who calls who on which mornings and what days we will go. Weekends we're on our own. And it has to be a phone call to check in not a text message b/c texts are easier to ignore and fall back asleep. We've vowed to do a 5k together in April and we have our sights set on a 10k in June and our thoughts are looking toward a half marathon in October! We can totally do this.

What's good about this is that I'm accountable to someone without having to work at her pace. I don't have to worry about going to the gym for the same length of time or working on a machine next to her. We just have to make sure we go and do what we need to do. That's so much better to me. I'm sure since she's lighter she's going to be a lot faster than me so when we do the races themselves she'll probably take off ahead of me but again...I'm built for comfort. Not speed. I'm okay with this. I just want to finish it. I just want to accomplish it. I want my confidence back!

On the road again

To say that "a lot has changed" since my last post would be the understatement of my weight loss journey. Since May 2010, 9 months ago, I moved to north jersey. I was commuting to Princeton from north Jersey (an hour and a half each way in traffic) for five months before I finally quit and went to retail full time. I quit retail after a month and started a temp project through an agency. I've had two new boyfriends and am now currently with the newest one (and plan on that for a long time). I've also decided to go back to grad school for an MBA and have completed the applications except for the GMAT test. I took an online math course through a county college to brush up on math for the test. I could give you all the excuses why I haven't made my exercise a priority but it all comes back to the same end result: I've gained back weight, I've lost a lot of muscle and tone, and I slipped into a depression that leaves me low energy and low determination. I literally have back pain and muscle atrophy from my lack of activity. My job consists of being chained to a desk all day with only a 30 min lunch break and my evenings consist of watching crappy TV while I mindlessly stuff my face with anything that will pacify the unsatiated apetite I've developed from a lack of happiness. I set my alarm to get up earlier before work but I wind up snoozing for 30-90 minutes because the idea of getting out of bed is just unbearable.

I miss my friends. They all live so far away now. I want a job I don't dread going to. It's all just piled up on me. The one thing I am truly happy with, my boyfriend Mitch, should not have to pick up the pieces of my emotional sanity as often as he does. He's fantastic about dealing with me when I go into a sad fit but it's not fair to do that to him at the frequency it's happening right now. I want to run the MadDash 5k again this year. I want to run the JFK Runway 5k again. I want to run my half marathon. I want to reach my ultimate goal and keep it. I don't want to pacify my emotions with sloth and glutton anymore.

During my many attempts before, I've always had this overzealous game plan about how to get back into this. But I think this time just making baby steps may be the best choice. I haven't been eating junk necessarily. Just too much of even healthy stuff. So the first steps will be to stop the binging episodes and make a true and honest effort to be active everyday. It doesn't have to be 90 minutes at the gym of hardcore cardio but 3-4 gym trips and either a walk around town or walking around the mall (if its cold) or just something to be on my feet and not sitting on my butt. That's not too hard. It's not completely revamping my life and it's not completely revamping my fridge/pantry contents. Just be mindful of what I'm putting in my body and make it move more. I've even started making an effort to pace at my desk every few hours just to get on my feet.

If you're reading this, I need your help. I can't do this alone. I want to, but I need the support. The reason I was able to succeed before is because I was too busy to hang out with anyone or see anyone. I worked and I worked out and I had no distractions. But now that I have time to see people again with only one job going, I need your support to hang out in places that aren't just restaurants. Since winter is technically winding down, maybe we can do outdoor activities. Let's make an effort to be more active. It's good for everyone involved.