Thanksgiving snag

Thanksgiving for my eating habits usually isn't a terrible disaster. Luckily I'm not usually the person to stuff myself stupid with mashed potatoes and stuffing. However, this year we somehow manifested a dessert table that left little to NOT be desired. I had made sugar-free pumpkin mousse to prevent pumpkin pie overload disaster and then my Grandmother wound up bringing over a second pumpkin pie that had a unique recipe that I just had to try. And then Kelly's mother sent over a chocolate mousse cake. I had a little bit of everything to compromise and not deprive myself so I didn't feel so terrible. The problem was that the next day, National Day of Leftovers, was when I tanked and ate until I was too full. I've gotten so good at eating until I was no longer hungry and that was the first time in a while I ate until I was uncomfortable.

Somehow I managed to be done with Xmas decorations and family time earlier than anticipated yesterday so I was able to get an evening appointment with my trainer. I just immediately drove back from my parents house and was excited about being able to jump back into my health routine. Unfortunately, I ran into a snag when I pulled my back doing one of our workouts. We had to modify the last ten minutes of the workout and then I had to sacrifice doing a lot of cardio after which makes me feel extremely guilty. I even had another session scheduled for this morning but my back is still hurting and I know I won't be able to do anything so I had to cancel. Shane told me to take a few aleve and relax.

How am I supposed to work off the leftover disaster if i can't do any exercising? I'm thinking of maybe just eating very minimally today and hitting up the mall just to walk around and do some Christmas shopping. At least it's not sitting on my butt.

Since starting my rigorous exercising, I haven't had any sort of physical issue or illness to work through. I'm hoping this goes away. FAST

Need a fix

I was doing very well with my diet and was hitting the gym pretty hard the last week or so but I fell so far off the wagon I can't even see the wheels last night at our Pre-Thanksgiving dinner party. Granted I didn't eat a ton but I did eat a ton of carbs. Not good.

I realized last week during my measurements that a few of my measurements have not changed in two months. NONE of them have changed in this past month even with a 2 l b weight loss and 1% body fat loss. I realize some of this is my fault with the diet issues and some is due to the fact that my body is retaliating from losing so much.

Yesterday while at the gym, I decided I'm going to start working out twice a day again to kick start my second wave of big weight loss. I tried yoga and I realize I don't really like it so instead I'm going to start going for walks in the morning. I figure getting into the habit of getting up early and exercising a little before work will be a good way to start running before work when I feel ready to start my running training again.

I've been so lacks about starting this Phase 2 thing. Still. And now i'm realizing more than ever how important it is to step it up. Going to the gym for 90-120 minutes is not enough anymore. I need to be doing more somehow.

Walk/run before work, walk during lunch hour, gym after work. Hopefully this'll help.

Cracking the whip

I did some thinking at the gym this morning and I've decided that I'm going to restart the tapering process of the keto diet. The way it's supposed to work is that you incorporate carbs slowly but surely: first seven days off of keto you have 35-40 grams a day, next week you have 70-80 grams of carbs a day, next week you have 100 grams of carbs a day and then you finally plateau and you should NEVER EVER have more than 150 grams of carbs a day. Anything more than that is excess.

When I came to this realization, I stopped by the trainer's office to ask Shane what he thought of the idea. He said that it would be better than just going all sporadic with it like I am now and it probably wouldn't hurt to go with no carbs again (aka back to keto) for 2 weeks before starting to taper. Absolutely. I agree 100%.

Today I'm going to visit my family which means it'll be near impossible to do that, but I now have two more weeks to figure out exactly what foods are 35-40 grams a day, 70-80 grams a day, etc. The hard part will be finding foods taht are low carb enough to divy them up throughout the day. You are never supposed to have a big bulk of them in one sitting because it causes an insulin spike which helps store fat. Bad!

So this is the way to fix what I've messed up. It's bad enough my body is struggling from losing almost 50 lbs but I refuse to help it by screwing up my diet. I can do this with a little more discipline. I can DO this!

Hello, this is your wakeup call

Why is it that when I have a ridiculously strict diet plan like the keto that I can follow it without a problem but the second I have some freedom in my diet I wind up going out of control again??? I've been trying my best to ween myself off the keto diet properly and incorporate healthy foods in my diet that I wasn't allowed before like fruit, oatmeal and whole grains. As hard as I try to calculate and plan out my carbs to incorporate for the day but I either calculate wrong or wind up overdoing it and then sabotaging myself.

They say "give them an inch, they'll take a mile" and I can't think of anything more appropriate relating to this topic. I'm finally allowed carbs again and I abuse the privilege. I've been good about going to the gym and working hard but it's going to mean nothing if I can't get a hold of myself and have some self control. I had my measurements yesterday and I only lost 2 lbs this month. And daily I'm watching the scale creep higher as I watch the fruits of my labor be slowly undone.

I'm better than this. Enough is enough. Stop abusing carbs. It's not crack...it's carbs!

Battle of the Bulge

Everywhere I look there's something telling me that what I'm doing toward fitness is the opposite of the most effective approach. This is why I hate fitness and why I've hesitated to get my shit together. I feel like everywhere I turn there is conflicting information.


High carb and low fat is the way to go!
Low carb and high protein is the way to go!
Eat whatever you want you just have to exercise!
Exercise is the reason you're fat!
You should do ab exercises everyday for a flat tummy!
Flat abs can only be achieved by eating correctly!


OH MY GOD! It's no wonder I could never do this on my own without Shane to help me...

Fun House Mirrors

At my largest, I never thought I could be smaller than a size 12 without looking emaciated and grossly thin. Here I am at a size 12 and I realize how much fat I can still lose. I guess I never had a concept of how large a size 12 still is or maybe I just really believed that I was framed larger than I actually am. I never felt more confident about being able to fit into single digit sizes!

On a semi-related note, I never realized how difficult it was going to be to see myself as the size that I am. I look around at other women and try to compare how I look next to them. Am I bigger? Am I smaller? Am I the same size? My body map is way off. I know that comes with BDD again but it's so frustrating.

I am thankful that I'm losing weight evenly and that I'm not looking like a victim of a Voo-Doo doctor's wrath, but it's making it very difficult to see a change in my body. It sounds ridiculous that 50 lbs down I can't see how my body looks so different but it's the truth! It's very difficult for me to believe that I'm as "thin" as people see.

When will my brain catch up with my body????

Pampering Gina

Instead of being super productive with chores, I wound up having a Day For Gina. After my good gym trip this morning (as mentioned in my previous blog), I got a few chores done and watched some TV while cooking good/healthy stuff. I took a long hot shower and even did an extra moisturizing regimen for my skin. I then I headed to the mall. I have some gift certificates for Macy*s that I wanted to try and use for some new work skirts or dresses.


I figured I would try - for the first time - trying on clothes in an "untouchable" store: one of those stores that only has smaller sizes and trendy styles. I tried on clothes at The Limited, Express, Macy*s.....AND THEY ALL FIT! Granted, some of the styles looked terrible on my body type, but I fit into Express dresses and skirts! I can even buy items from Victoria's Secret now! I can't wait until I finally hit a maitenance weight and size so I can justify spending good money on clothes that'll fit longer than a few weeks.

I really needed a relaxing day like today. I feel refreshed and a little more confident. It would seem I'm officially a size 12 folks!!!

What would Tara do?

Today I started my day off with a 9 am gym session with Shane. It was core day which was rough but feels great. I was wearing my "WWTD?" shirt to the gym for the first time and its like I can feel the motivation running through me. I feel like a changed person. This is the Gina I want to ultimately be. I only did an hour of cardio after my session but it was strong. I got to thinking about how amazing Tara is and how I really need to start channeling her more to keep myself motivated. So below is a song that I LOVE and plays during a youtube tribute to Tara. I highly suggest putting it on your gym mix to give you a boost.


---
Believe by Suzie McNeil

One minute's fading
One minute's past
But I've got this moment
To make it all last
I'm standing before you
Taking my chance on
Everything I never thought that I could be
Cuz you can do almost anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

It's like I'm falling through my own fears
They used to haunt me, but now they're not here
There's no looking back, my future is clear
No giving up
And I'm holding on when it gets rough
Cuz you can get through most anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

No one says it's easy
And no one says you have to be perfect
But as long as you try
You're always gonna find
It was worth it

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
---

TBL Tribute To Tara: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdGz4APr2h8&NR=1

Finally A Decision

I keep telling myself I don't want to have a goal weight b/c I don't know what my body is capable of. Well I've changed my mind. Last night I had a dream I was working in a shop that sells snakes. I am absolutely petrified of snakes! I couldn't understand why I would be working in a shop with something I'm so scared of! (The store also checked your pool water, but that's neither here nor there) Once I woke up from this ridiculous dream, I started to think. My subconscious must be telling me that the only way to face my fears is to just jump into the thick of things. I'm never going to overcome my challenges by continuing to be scared.

A healthy weight for my height's BMI is 121-164 lbs. Personally, I think 121 lbs at 5'8" is absolutely disgusting. So I have officially decided to aim for 140 lbs for several reasons.
1. It's exactly 100 lbs weight loss. That's going to be an insanely proud moment to say I've lost 100 lbs.
2. It's in the middle of the healthy weight range.
3. 140 is low enough that, if I can't maintain it realistically, I can always gain a little more back and still be healthy.

I would like to be in the single digits of clothing too. But since 140 lbs of fat is different from 140 lbs of muscle, I'm not sure what that'll translate to. But I'm determined to get down to single digit sizes and then determine whether or not it's healthy for me.

I can feel the motivation coming back. I had a rough week and a half but I think I'm finally back. I hit the gym hard yesterday for an hour and 45 minutes and the scale is continuing to move, slowly but surely. I think when I hit 75 lbs weight loss I'm going to throw a three-quarters party...

Revision

I don't know what it is, but I find that at night I just take a turn for the worst in my mood and there is no reconciling it. I just wind up going to bed angry or upset and sometimes wake up that way the next day still. And there's never a real trigger for it, it just happens. It's very frustrating for me and anyone other poor schmo who winds up having to witness it in person or via AIM.

So let's revise last night's ranting post...

I will not abuse myself at the gym today. However, I will work hard at the gym today since I have neglected to go for four days. I will go for at least an hour and a half and two hours if I can manage. I will also start using my FitDay online food journal again b/c I'm tapering off my diet and need to keep track of how many carbs I'm taking in per day. I don't want to do too much too fast or my body will retaliate.

The yoga and at-home ab workouts I plan on doing? I'm going to start those this weekend. This is the first weekend I really don't have much to do (Saturday: Gym session at 9 am, Semi-Formal Barmitzvah Pub Crawl in the evening, Sunday: Friend's recital at 5:30) so I can figure out exactly how long these yoga videos are that I have and figure out which ab exercises will benefit me most.

At work I have a few duties that require regular attention. I need to be sure to send out certain letters on a regular basis and take care of audition confirmations and follow up with people about visits. So I made myself a weekly Daily Task schedule. On Mondays I do confirmations, on Tuesdays I do letters, on Wednesdays I do visits, etc. I've decided that's a good idea for me to have at home too to make sure I optimize my time. It seems a little rigid, but I work best when I have a routine and a schedule. This way I'll be able to figure out what days I will do yoga, what day I will do at-home abs, what day I will clean, what day I will do laundry, what day I will grocery shop. I really think it's the best way to make sure I get things done that I need to. Otherwise I'll keep pushing it back and I'll find up buying salads from Wawa and wearing clothes that are too big b/c I have nothing left that's clean.

I can do this. I just need to stop freaking out on myself. I think I'm ultimately scared that I'm not tapering off this diet right and that I'm just going to gain all this weight back immediately which is the last thing I want. So the way to manage is to just give myself some routine and discipline. I have got to get myself under control.

Government Cheese

Phase 2 has been seriously sucking. And by sucking I mean I have done nothing towards Phase 2 yet and I'm so mad at myself for it. I just want to be kicking it up a notch when in reality all I'm doing is falling into terrible habits. I haven't been grocery shopping for "transition" food back into a normal diet so I've been getting food out a lot or just eating whatever I can find. It's terrible. This isn't to say that I'm eating terribly but I'm certainly not doing an optimal job of weening myself off this diet. I also haven't been to teh gym since Thursday. It's definitely Monday and I'm workin at McCarter this evening. Four straight days without the gym? Not okay.


As a result I feel the strong urge to abuse myself. I feel the urge to spend all evening at the gym tomorrow and starve myself a little just to make sure that I'm not doing more damage than good. I just wish I could make this terrible urge go away. I know its self destructive and I'm trying to hard to squelch it but it's just not working.

I have GOT to get to the grocery store adn stock up on things that I should eat. The real problem is that I just haven't had the urge to cook or do anything productive in days. I spent the weekend working and so now I feel entitled to sit and do nothing apparently.


This blog is completely incoherent as my thoughts just popped out. I apologize.


General point I want to get across: I suck and I need to knock it off and get back on the god damn wagon.