Phase 2: Better late than never

I've had serious issues this week staying on the wagon. This was the week I was supposed to be in Phase 2 and stepping everything up a notch. Instead, I went back several steps. SOOO not okay.


I think it's only fair to say that at this point I've obliterated my diet. I am past the point of saving it. Now I must taper off this ketogenic diet and back into regular old healthy eating. I am very okay with eating a lot more fruits and veggies and whole grains in the long run.

So tomorrow I will start Phase 2 including all the aforementioned tricks less the "sticking to keto without substitutions" thing. If I can't manage, I'll start the keto again. But I have to give a regular diet a fair shot and if I'm going to be doubling up on the exercise at home and in the gym then itwould be nice to have enough energy to do that.

I've decided, to keep myself motivated for this next step, to adopt a new motto. While reading my book on Columbine (cleverly entitled "Columbine" by Dave Cullen), we read about how Eric Harris - the psychopath who had a bigger hand in slayings - had a fascination and adoration for Nazi beliefs. Since he found himself to be superior to most of those he knew in his life, he adopted their motto of "Kein mitleid" meaning "no mercy" when it came to sparing those who were beneath him.

I have no similar beliefs to Nazis and I do not believe that what Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold did was in any way admirable or a good deed. But there's something about this motto I like. I want to adopt it as my motto for good, not evil. When I want to destroy myself and abuse myself b/c I feel weak and unworthy, I shall give myself no mercy and push forward. When I start to feel as those I may never make it to the finish line, I will give myself no mercy and go, go, go until I'm done. I can't afford not to.

Kein mitleid. Weil ich es wert bin.

Relapse

After my brother's wedding I can experience what I imagine must be a hangover. I've never really had one before and I didn't drink that much, but it appears that I woke up fine and the feeling of supreme lethargy and the need to eat crap consumed me. Hormones didn't help. So in a moment - nay, day - of weakness, I wound up cheating on my keto diet for the first time. After exactly two months of dedication to the diet and all the trials and tribulations with it, I cheated. I felt terrible guilt but couldn't stop myself from consuming things that were not on the keto menu. It was comfort food. Unfortunately, ever since then (six days ago) I haven't been able to get 100% back on the keto wagon.

I don't believe I've knocked myself completely out of ketosis. I noticed that when I started eating eggs again, I did not get the strange taste of ketones in my mouth the way I had when I started the diet and I didn't feel any lack of energy. So I know I'm out of whack but i'm not completely kicked out. The problem is that because I cheated once, my mind can't shake that "Well you already screwed up already, might as well stay off it now" mentality. So every day since I've been doing medium cheats like a handful of candy corn or a couple soy peppermint mochas. While these are not entire binge meals, it's still a cheat on this diet. And it needs to stop. Yesterday I did so well until I made rice krispie treats for work but wound up eating all the remnants in the bottom of the pan that crumbled. That sounds minor, but it was enough that I ate them with a spoon. Consider that.

I need to get 100% back on the wagon. Luckily I've lost the 4 lbs I seemingly gained from sodium intake (apparently going back to the eggs is helping) and my cheat day. I wanted to stay on this diet through the holidays so that I keep my holiday weight in check. In fact, I think every year around the holidays doing the keto diet would be a fantastic idea to make sure I don't put on those holiday pounds.

I abused myself at the gym the other day out of guilt over this and it's time to stop feeling guilty and just do it right. I have to stop telling myself that a "little cheat" is okay b/c a couple little cheats a day is not. And yes I love my soy peppermint mochas with 2 pumps but in excess? They are part of the problem. Not the solution.

Back on the wagon. Giddy up!

The emotional switch

There is seemingly no downside to finally becoming a happy person, being confident in yourself and finally realizing that you look good and feel good in your wardrobe. Except there is...

This past weekend was my brother's wedding. I was more than excited to enjoy the momentous occasion with almost everyone I know and love in this improved body and with my improved personality. The bridal shower went over so well and I felt so great that I just imagined this weekend would be even better because we'd all be dressed up and at our happiest. However, instead I was surprised to notice that I felt just like a wolf in sheep skin: a New Gina in Old Gina's place. No matter what I did to try and have the best time possible, I felt as though I was still the fat little sister of the groom. Yes, people complimented my singing at the ceremony and some congratulated my weight loss but it didn't seem to matter. In a sea of people from my past, I can't help but fall into old habits and feel just as inadequate as I always have around the same crowd.

It's as if I forgot how to have a conversation with someone new and all of my insecurities reared their ugly heads. It was terrible to have worked so hard for this moment only to realize that I felt exactly the same. This was supposed to be my first goal marker! Why couldn't I just let myself enjoy the evening! Why has every other wedding been fantastic and I've felt great but I couldn't enjoy this nearly as much???

It just shows me that I have so much longer to go mentally. I'm still not ready to accept that I have changed physically and therefore not willing to accept people's generous compliments as genuine. My insecurity is obviously still lodged inside this smaller body and it has overstayed it's welcome. The trick is to figure out how to exorcise it. Do I just keep putting myself in these situations until I'm forced to behave accordingly? Do I just keep working on myself and give myself pop quizzes of social outings?

When will I believe I'm as strong as I've become...

Hey, don't come to the gym with me!

Statistics say that working out with a "fitness buddy", logging all your exercises, and keeping a daily food journal are large keys to one's success. Personally, I find that only two out of three of these things are true. I did start the habit of keeping a daily food journal online which also tracks my calorie burning and consuming as well as weigh-ins. Though I haven't been logging while on this keto diet, I feel as if the habit is not gone and if I were to go back on a regular healthy diet tomorrow, I could pick up where I left off with this. At this time, with Shane as my rock at the gym, I don't do any sort of logging on how many repetitions or what strength training exercises I do. I know at some point when I have to do strength training on my own without a trainer (because I can't afford him forever) that I will have to track what I do. Since strength training is always the activity that I won't do for myself, I already know that this will be a huge challenge for me. However I cannot, and do not, agree with the idea of a fitness buddy.

Whenever I invite a friend or neighbor to join me at the gym, I don't work out the same. I love the company and it's nice to actually have someone to talk to instead o f doing the same mundane music or watching a crappy movie in a theater but the truth is I don't push myself the same. It's much like when you eat while watching TV or playing on the computer and you just don't realize exactly what you're doing because you're distracted. In fact, sometimes I find that I'm so focused on what I'm doing that I zone out and don't even hear my music anymore. I used to require visual stimuli of the TV even if I was listening to music but now I find that I would much rather watch people around the gym and leave myself to my thoughts. I do some of my best thinking at the gym lately. I think about what I have to do when I get home. I think about what I will wear to work tomorrow. I think about what my schedule for the week is like. I think about how cute that guy is and how hot it is when he does pullups. I think about how different I feel from the old Gina i've worked so hard to get rid of. It's just a lot to wrap my mind around.

I wish I could say that having someone to go to the gym with motivates me, but the truth is I think I'd rather do it alone. Even if I'm the first one to suggest someone joining me, I prefer to go and stay for as long as I want and work on whatever machine I want. I really wish I was the type of person who was motivated by having someone join me, but I find that even when someone has similar goals I find it just doesn't cut it for me.

To each their own, but I hope that will change someday.

"Give it the old Emeril treatment*

To keep myself on track this week to push into Phase 2 next week, I wanted to give myself a game plan. This is what I want to do this week:


Sunday: Sleep in! If I have enough time to hit the gym before work at 12:30 fine, but I'm in dire need of a sleep-in morning.
Monday: Gym after work for 90 minutes
Tuesday: Gym after work for 60-90 minutes
Wednesday: Session with Shane for 30 minutes, 60+ minutes of cardio
Thursday: Session with Shane for 30 minutes, 30+ minutes of cardio
Friday: 60-90 minutes of cardio (laps in the hotel pool in the afternoon/evening?)
Saturday: Wedding day! Rest
Sunday: 30 minutes of cardio


Then Monday will start Phase 2. I want to be sure to get things back on track and start kicking things up a notch. These are the things I plan to address/accomplish with the Phase 2 startup:

* Adhere strictly to my keto diet - eggs and all (wahhhh)
* Do 60+ minutes of cardio a day, six days a week
* Start doing ab exercises 3-4x a week (at home or at the gym)
* Start a flexibility program (yoga or stretching regimen of some sort)

I'm pumped! Let's do this!

Recalculating...

I'm not sure if it's because my brother's wedding is finally around the corner (dear lord that time passed quickly!) or if I'm losing steam, but I feel as though I haven't been working very hard lately in the fitness area. Perhaps I'm nervous that with the wedding around the corner, if I work too hard my dress won't fit right. I mean I can't go losing any more than 3-5 lbs this week or my dress will be loose.

I've been doing a lot of substituting in my diet b/c of a lack of time for cooking or just b/c I got sick of eggs and I fear that it's having an effect on my weight-loss results. Shane seems to think that while substituting turkey bacon, cheese and pork rinds (don't judge me) for the eggs is protein and fat equivalent, it's very high in sodium so it may make me retain water. I don't think that's the case, but I can't help but wonder if I could be losing more if I just ate the damn eggs. I've been going to the gym just as much (I've hit the gym for 90 minutes at least 3 days this week) and i asked Shane to beat me up during my sessions with him this week and yet somehow I still feel like I'm half-assing it. Is it because I'm getting used to working so hard? Or am I lying to myself about the effort I'm really putting in?

I'm considering a kick-start after the wedding. Vinnie and Kelly's wedding was my first goal marker date, so once it's over I need a new one. I will give myself a final goal date of April 22nd 2010 where I will have reached my ideal weight...whatever that may be. And by then I'll be running and training for Maddy's Memorial 5k and more, hopefully. Other than stepping it up 3 notches at the gym, I will go back to the keto diet religiously meaning no more substituting. I'm going to eat the damn eggs and I'm going to like it. And I'm going to eat everything even if it get sto be late at night and I dont' want to.

So here's to Monday Oct 26th....may that be the start of Phase 2!

Reflections

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on my physical past because it's just amazing to see how far I've come. As this as all happening, it didn't seem like the weight was coming off fast enough for me (does it EVER feel like that??) and I was getting frustrated that all I would lose is 1-3 lbs a week. "Come on! That's it?!" I'd yell at my scale. That's not even considering the plateau times where I don't see the scale move for too long and I start to get more than annoyed as all my hard-work goes for naught.

But yesterday when I posted that picture and noticed just how much different 45 less lbs is, I realize how big a deal that is. I'll consider the start of my dedication to be Good Friday which was Fri April 10th. In exactly six months I have lost 45 lbs. That averages out to 7.5 lbs a month, 1.875 lbs a week, and about a 1/4 of a lb a day. When you think of it in terms of that, that's actually kinda great. They say it's not healthy to lose more than 2 lbs a week anyway because you're either working yourself too hard or you're not taking the time for new habits to sink in and you're bound to gain the weight back later.

I've also inspired my first person. A friend from high school is getting married and she and I used to constantly talk about how unhappy we were that we were overweight. Now that she has the big white dress, she wants to make sure she looks fantastic in it and I guess she's taken my "story" as an inspiration. And that makes me feel awesome. While ultimately this all is for me and my health, what good would it be if I didn't help other people sharing everything I've learned and spreading the motivation to others who need encouragement? It's like I'm one step closer to being like Tara Costa...and you all know how I feel about her. (Are we BFFs yet???)

I guess now is just a time to thank everyone who's been supporting me instead of being a bad influence as well as those who gives me those ego boosts that keep me so motivated. This has all turned out to be so much easier with people helping to keep me on track and encouraging the good habits. I could never have come this far if I had friends badgering me to eat the wrong things or telling me to ditch the gym to hang out instead. My success is your success too :)

Serious ego boost

I photoshopped an old photo next to a new photo. It's awesome to see what six months of hard work has accomplished!! Even my smile looks more genuine...

Project 23 - Over but not finished

At this time last year, I was hoping to make age 23 the best year of my life. Since then I have lost about 45 lbs, cleansed my love life, established some managerial experience, and can honestly say that I'm happy. I started out at 240 lbs and am officially down to 196 lbs, down from a size 20 to a size 12/14. Apparently all of this wasn't about having the best year of my life. This Project was about getting myself prepared to live the best years of my life.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. While technically Project 23 is over, I feel like this is just the beginning. I don't know what life will bring from here on out, but I refuse to let myself become that unhappy, overweight, too-stressed person EVER again.

This blog will continue. This journey will continue. My life will grow into the amazing experience that I'm going to make it.

I am in control.

Goals To Work For

With a new year, my priorities will be changing. And since I never did initially, I finally have a list of goals.

• Have confidence in myself
  
• Become a runner to run Maddy's Mad Dash Memorial 5k (5/1/10 for those who want to join!)
  
• Try mixed martial arts
• Be able to shop in ANY store for clothes
• Try yoga
• Start dating with a new positive, confident attitude
• Develop a new, active hobby (i.e. training for races, daily nature walks, kayaking, etc.)

As these things are achieved I hope to add more to the list or expand upon already existing goals. Who knows, maybe trying yoga or mixed martial arts will turn into my new active hobby! But I'm determined to keep progress going forward and not plateau to a point of acceptance until this is all truly done. I don't have the cajones to give myself a size or weight goal b/c I don't know what my body's capable of. And to be honest? I want to experiment with what I'm capable of when the time comes.

So here's to another year!

Motivators

On the Biggest Loser, they tell you that you should have clear, realistic and tangible goals to succeed. If you don't know what you're working for, you can lose focus easily. But what sort of things can keep you motivated? It's so different for everyone. I've realized a few of my biggest motivators:


* When I first started working with Shane, I thought having a trainer who was so attractive was going to prevent me from pushing myself because I'd be too self-conscious. However, it's turned out to have the opposite effect! The more I work with him, the more I want to impress him with what I can do. I refuse to let myself fail in front of someone who resembles statues from the Roman Empire. Sometimes all he has to do is walk by and it gives me a second wind on the cardio machines. "Don't let Shane down, Gina!" I tell myself.

* Every time someone I haven't seen in a while compliments me on how "fantastic" I look, it's a boost. I know it's vain but sometimes I just need that reminder that what I'm doing is showing results. I've mentioned it before that I really look the same in the mirror to myself. But when other people notice it just makes me want to keep going until I reach goal.

* These weddings are a factor in my decision to lose weight in the first place. Now that I have the outfits to wear for them, I try them on to make myself "feel pretty. Oh so pretty". Not only do I feel great that these dresses are quite smaller than my starting size, but the dresses themselves are just beautiful.

* There are a couple REALLY cute guys at the gym. Much like when Shane walks by, sometimes all I need is for them to walk by for me to catch a second wind. Am I doing it to impress them and catch their attention? Sure. But I'm also using it as a reminder to myself that if I keep working, I can get a guy like that.

* Checking Tara Costa's facebook fan page keeps me in check. She posts her little blogs or what she's up to but she keeps on truckin even when things get rough or busy. I can only hope to be half as determined as her.


I realized after watching last night's episode that I don't really have clear-cut goals. I've been afraid to aim for a particular goal-weight because I don't know what my body is capable of and maybe I'm still not sure what I want out of all of this. Soon I will be posting a list of my goals and checking them off as I reach them. I'll also be revising them as I think of bigger challenges for myself.

Embarassed

Oh my god....I'm looking at picture from my trip to Europe in late April. Thirty-seven pounds ago!


What took me so long???? Dear God why did I get so big? What happened to me??? WHY DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY THREE YEARS TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY BODY!??!?!

It just makes me want to cry, looking at these photos. I have all these great memories and I'm either the person taking the pictures so I don't have to be in them or I'm in the pictures hating what I see. You can just tell I'm not happy...

I'm so ashamed of myself for it getting so out of control. And I'm so scared that it could happen again. I'm afraid because I don't know why it never sunk in until this past year and I'm afraid that it'll never be enough and I'll never reach goal. I just can't keep saying it in my head....How did this happen??? Why???

I just never thought I was capable of losing weight and I never thought I was capable of being thin. Yet I look back on some pictures from my younger years and realize that I really was just thicker than the "pretty popular" girls in middle and early high school. I wasn't really actually fat at that point. And then the pounds just kept piling on until it added up to this. I'm just in shock looking at myself in all these pictures....why did I do this.

I have no idea how much weight I can afford to lose before I look skeletal but I'm going to do my best to get to 140 lbs. At a height of 5'8, that might work okay.

Realization and a Compliment

I don't know if it's because I refueled on Saturday evening or if it's just because of the crazy busy day I had at work, but I just rocked it at the gym tonight. Shane always tells me I do too much cardio, but he said as long as I'm monitoring my heart rate and keeping it in my Fat Burning Zone, it's okay to do as much as I like. Well....today I had some SERIOUS stamina! I started with a 5 minute warm-up on the treadmill, did a hard 30 minutes on the bike, did another hard 30 minutes going backward on the elliptical, and then ended doing a powerwalk on the treadmill for a final 30 minutes. And I wanted to keep going except I was starting to get hungry!

I'm noticing that my body is getting used to the work I've been doing. It used to take only 3.5 mph on the treadmill to get my heart rate up high enough, now it takes 4.0 mph. I can up the resistance on the bike and elliptical machines while keeping the same speed as before, if not faster. Today, while on the bike, I realized that even though I could feel my quads burning during my ride, I wasn't letting up. Old Gina would have lightened it up so she couldn't feel that pain. But now I push through it thinking "Good. That means it's working."

It's strange, I've come to learn that pushing out my comfort zone is 100% necessary to this transformation. Being in the comfort zone is what got me to 240 lbs. Working out isn't SUPPOSED to be comfortable. It's supposed to be WORK. I don't know why but I've always been afraid of pushing myself to the point of soreness or to the point of getting sick. Yknow what? After 6 months of working hard with Shane, I have yet to throw up. And only once, towards the beginning of our sessions together, was I ever so sore that I was incapacitated. Why was I ever scared of that feeling? Admittedly, I still kind of am. It's strange because I'll push myself to work for longer, but not necessarily to work harder. I don't know what that says about me...

On a side note:

I felt pretty good today in clothes that actually fit. There was a fire drill in my office building and all the faculty and staff came out together, holding their ears from the blaring siren. As we're walking out, Joe Miller sees me and his jaw drops and he says "Wow. Gina, you look fantastic!" It means a lot coming from a gay man with high standards. Trust me. It's just a nice reminder that my hard work is paying off and people can notice.

Meeting My Idol!

To your left, you'll see a picture of my biggest idol: Tara Costa, and myself. I designed a T-shirt saying "WWTD?" in her honor with one of her favorite motivational quotes on the back. When it finally arrived I posted a picture of myself wearing it on her Facebook Fan Page to tell her of the dedication. She actually commented on it "I WANT ONE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!" And I was stoked! Since she had a 5k and Fitness Fair coming up, I told her I would give her one there. So I made up another one and ordered it for her in her size.

Today when I go up to talk to her, she points at my shirt and says "OH MY GOD! THE SHIRT!" And I reach into my purse to give her hers. I wrapped it in tissue and had a card wrapped up with it. I give it to her and I tell her "I hope it's the right size. They run a little big." And she opens the tissue up like a kid at Christmas and calls her boyfriend over to check it out. I wish I had gotten pictures of her getting all excited about the shirt. She thanked us all for coming and we introduced ourselves. Then I got this picture with her.


Later we were just hanging around and checking out all the booths giving out free stuff. There was a raffle going on so I bought 7 tickets for $5 and wanted to stick around until they called out the results. It was about noon so I figured it couldn't hurt to stick around for another hour just to see the results. We went over to the booth to check out the prizes that we could win and when we were looking over the stuff, the ladies commented on how great my shirt was and I told them I had created the design and got it made. They loved it. I asked if the prizes were all local gift certificates because we weren't from the area. They asked where we came from and we told them Princeton. They were all impressed we came so far!

I was really hoping for this one gift basket of Biggest Loser stuff like a scale, protein powder, a tshirt, etc. I wound up buying TWO door prizes! I won a one-hour personal training session at Lucille Roberts and a gift certificate for a CPR certification class. I'm not sure what I'll do what the CPR class thing but Johanna and her twin were talking about taking a class just before the drawing so I offered it to them. Who knew I would get my mother's genes for winning stuff!!!

So after I had won my two prizes, Tara's mother came over to talk to us. The ladies manning the table earlier had told her that we came all the way from Princeton and she thanked us for coming so far just to be there. We told her we were all very excited to meet Tara b/c she was such an inspiration and I had to give her the tshirt so it was totally worth it. She seemed truly touched. She told us how she had lost 80 lbs because of her daughter's incredible determination.

Kathryn and I drove home feeling like it was an amazingly succesful day. And we just finished my second cheat meal: friendls burgers with fries and over half a pint of ice cream.

Today was an amazing day and I feel like she's rekindled an already burning fire to succeed with all this fitness work. I can't wait to take this energy and work it at the gym tomorrow!

The Cost Of Healthy Living

Groceries: $400/month
Trainer: $330/month for ten session
Gym: $20/month
Running Shoes: $95
New Clothes: $300
Online Food Log: $0
Online Fitness Journal: $0
Finally losing weight: Priceless


I'm prompted to think of this topic after spending approximately $300 yesterday on new clothes online. Because of this cost of healthy living, I have two jobs to cover the expense. However, what I lack is the time to actually go to a store and try on clothes that will fit and not be so baggy on me. I figured ordering some staples online such as dress pants, dress shirts, dresses and a few casual tops should get me started until October Madness is over.

I've always had issues finding clothes that fit and it would take me hours just to find a single decent outfit. However now I'm realizing that shopping is a lengthy process simply because I don't know what size I am and have to try on two of everything just to make sure! If these clothes don't fit or look right, it'll be nice to get some of that money back but it just means I'll actually have to go and try everything on in stores and do 2 stores on each free evening I have. I really don't want to have to do that. When I reach goal, shopping is going to be a blessing. For now while i'm still shrinking? It's a freakin curse.

I'm curious and annoyed that healthy living should cost so much. I understand that the trainer, although a luxury, is a big portion of that. I plan on reaching goal and continuing to train with him so he can teach me maintenance exercises. Since having a trainer is the only thing that's effectively kept me on track, I feel it's a vital resource through this whole period even if it is difficult for me to afford. I can't afford to let him go! And on this keto diet I'm realizing how quickly I go through produce and how expensive it is. The only good thing about this diet is that I'm getting the exact same things over and over so it's going to be pretty much the same cost every month with minor changes when I refuse to eat eggs.

One day I'll be able to go back to my really cheap generic brand-buying, $20 gym membership and won't have to spend ungodly amounts of money on clothes so often just to prevent looking like a hobo...