There is seemingly no downside to finally becoming a happy person, being confident in yourself and finally realizing that you look good and feel good in your wardrobe. Except there is...
This past weekend was my brother's wedding. I was more than excited to enjoy the momentous occasion with almost everyone I know and love in this improved body and with my improved personality. The bridal shower went over so well and I felt so great that I just imagined this weekend would be even better because we'd all be dressed up and at our happiest. However, instead I was surprised to notice that I felt just like a wolf in sheep skin: a New Gina in Old Gina's place. No matter what I did to try and have the best time possible, I felt as though I was still the fat little sister of the groom. Yes, people complimented my singing at the ceremony and some congratulated my weight loss but it didn't seem to matter. In a sea of people from my past, I can't help but fall into old habits and feel just as inadequate as I always have around the same crowd.
It's as if I forgot how to have a conversation with someone new and all of my insecurities reared their ugly heads. It was terrible to have worked so hard for this moment only to realize that I felt exactly the same. This was supposed to be my first goal marker! Why couldn't I just let myself enjoy the evening! Why has every other wedding been fantastic and I've felt great but I couldn't enjoy this nearly as much???
It just shows me that I have so much longer to go mentally. I'm still not ready to accept that I have changed physically and therefore not willing to accept people's generous compliments as genuine. My insecurity is obviously still lodged inside this smaller body and it has overstayed it's welcome. The trick is to figure out how to exorcise it. Do I just keep putting myself in these situations until I'm forced to behave accordingly? Do I just keep working on myself and give myself pop quizzes of social outings?
When will I believe I'm as strong as I've become...
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