When I was younger, I used to be a "morning" person. My alarm would go off, and I wouldn't be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but I would turn off the alarm and get up. I didn't even know what the snooze button did for years. I got to college and that routine continued for several years. Finally, into the George years (also known as the worst time of my life) I discovered the snooze button and unfortunately haven't looked back since. I now constantly press the snooze button 1-4 times a morning. I hate this about myself because if I hated getting up just as much before, why give myself the stress of running late for no extra benefit?
The next few days I'm working 8:30-5 at my full-time job but then working at the theater afterwards from 6-10 pm. I don't have the conscience to go two days in a row without a trip to the gym if sickness isn't involved. So I'm waking up at 5:30 to get to the gym by 6 am for an hour workout before my long long day. Of course this also means that I need to have all my meals pre-packaged and ready to grab on my way out for a 14 hour day. And yknow what? I did it. Last night I prepared 5 meals for both Wednesday and Thursday and this morning I got up at 5:30 am for the gym for a full hours workout - 5 min warmup, 30 minute treadmill, 30 minute bike. Strangely enough, I didn't use the snooze button once - even at this ridiculously early hour. Tomorrow? I will get up again and repeat everything that happened today.
I find it strange that when it comes to hitting the gym in the morning, I refuse to press snooze, yet when it's work that I'm waking up for, my hands don't hesitate to delay my waking. That's how important my exercise has become to me. I can't explain the feeling I have when I skip the gym....it's a mixed emotion of regret and guilt and shame and nonchalance all wrapped into one. I trust that if I don't go to the gym today, I'll go tomorrow. And if I don't go tomorrow, i'll go first thing in the morning the next day AND after work. Nearly every workday I walk for an hour as my lunch break, and it has to be raining or me feeling really crappy to not take the opportunity to walk into town. Sometimes I'll have company, sometimes I bring my iPod....but it's constant.
I'm so thankful that I've gotten to a point of routine and that exercise is a habit as well as a pleasure. I'm learning to push through pain instead of letting up at the sign of it. I'm also proud that I've found a balance and I'm not overworking or abusing myself anymore, especially when I make a little slipup. I swear it's this diet. It just gives me so much self control because I have no choice but to follow the menu. If I cheat, I wasted it all and my body goes completely out of whack and starts turning carbs into fat.
I feel strong. I feel capable. And I feel ready to attack my psyche and figure out the tangled mess of webs that got me to 240 lbs and depressed. If only I knew where to start...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
WELCOME ME TO THE 100 CLUB!!!!!!!
I did it! This morning for the first time in too many years, I weighed in under 200 lbs. Yesterday I stepped on the scale thinking "Today is the day!" and the scale read 200.0. I could just hear the scale laughing at me. And today I stepped on that scale again in the morning thinking "Let's see if I'm 200.0 again or if I gained a little water weight" and I weighed in at 199.2!!! Which is funny because 3 days ago I weighed 200.8 so for the past three days I've lost .8 lbs in a single day. Strange, but I'll take it!
Now that I'm under the 200 hump I feel like my plateau is officially broken and I can take off running. I'm going to aim big (or small, as it were) for 140 lbs. I figure if I set my sights high then I'm bound to hit goal in no time. If i work hard, I'll hit goal by the one-year anniversary of working with Shane in April. I can DO this! I feel unstoppable now! Being under 200 felt impossible, but now that I've done it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER let myself get above 200 again.
Here's the game plan since this week is crazy a little:
Tues - No gym, watch Biggest Loser with roomie (who I desperately need to catch up with)
Wed - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Thurs - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Fri - Gym at 2 after half day of work
Sat - Go to LI with Johanna, her twin and Kathryn to meet TARA COSTA!!!
Sun - Gym in morning before matinee at the theater
Seeing results again makes getting up at 5:30 am for the gym seem not so terrible, I must say.
Now that I'm under the 200 hump I feel like my plateau is officially broken and I can take off running. I'm going to aim big (or small, as it were) for 140 lbs. I figure if I set my sights high then I'm bound to hit goal in no time. If i work hard, I'll hit goal by the one-year anniversary of working with Shane in April. I can DO this! I feel unstoppable now! Being under 200 felt impossible, but now that I've done it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER let myself get above 200 again.
Here's the game plan since this week is crazy a little:
Tues - No gym, watch Biggest Loser with roomie (who I desperately need to catch up with)
Wed - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Thurs - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Fri - Gym at 2 after half day of work
Sat - Go to LI with Johanna, her twin and Kathryn to meet TARA COSTA!!!
Sun - Gym in morning before matinee at the theater
Seeing results again makes getting up at 5:30 am for the gym seem not so terrible, I must say.
Friday, September 25, 2009
A little personal
They say that posture is key to showing your confidence. It's not usually a conscious thing, it just kinda happens that way. When you're self conscious you tend to hunch your shoulders and cower. When you're confident and open, your shoulders are back and your head is lifted and your chest is out. It just happens. I realize that my posture, even at the gym, is broadening. I can feel my body's confidence in itself which is a really bizarre and cool feeling. But I feel this confidence in other ways too.
Today I wore my new size 14 jeans and felt svelte. I also bought a new green cardigan so it was the first time in a while I was wearing something that actually fit correctly. I went to the theater to work and I just felt fantastic. I couldn't stop smiling at customers and conversing with colleagues. Normally I'd find any reason to have a moment to myself or read so I didn't have to make awkward small talk. But I'm doing less and less of that now. I find I usually smile on my face.
The most prominent place I realize this growth in confidence is with men. Even though I'm on a break from dating, I still check guys out: at the gym, at the theater, in passing, etc. I used to pass an attractive guy and immediately slump to avoid eye contact. "He's out of my league. He'd never find me attractive," I'd think. I never believed I had a chance with any guy, even those less gifted in the looks area. Now? With my head held high, I can check out an attractive man and think "How can I grab his attention? I bet I could get him to check me out." What a change from before! I no longer see men as these unattainable fantasies. And I know that while I probably have another 60 lbs to lose, the confidence I'm exuding will attract them to me before I reach that goal. Heck, it's even happening now.
It's superficial and it's silly, but it's something that I've wanted to change for a long time. I never wanted to look at a guy and think "I could never get him" again.
THAT, my friend, is progress.
Today I wore my new size 14 jeans and felt svelte. I also bought a new green cardigan so it was the first time in a while I was wearing something that actually fit correctly. I went to the theater to work and I just felt fantastic. I couldn't stop smiling at customers and conversing with colleagues. Normally I'd find any reason to have a moment to myself or read so I didn't have to make awkward small talk. But I'm doing less and less of that now. I find I usually smile on my face.
The most prominent place I realize this growth in confidence is with men. Even though I'm on a break from dating, I still check guys out: at the gym, at the theater, in passing, etc. I used to pass an attractive guy and immediately slump to avoid eye contact. "He's out of my league. He'd never find me attractive," I'd think. I never believed I had a chance with any guy, even those less gifted in the looks area. Now? With my head held high, I can check out an attractive man and think "How can I grab his attention? I bet I could get him to check me out." What a change from before! I no longer see men as these unattainable fantasies. And I know that while I probably have another 60 lbs to lose, the confidence I'm exuding will attract them to me before I reach that goal. Heck, it's even happening now.
It's superficial and it's silly, but it's something that I've wanted to change for a long time. I never wanted to look at a guy and think "I could never get him" again.
THAT, my friend, is progress.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Second is the new first!
Results are in!! I won SECOND PLACE in the Biggest Loser competition at Retro!!!! I'm so proud of myself! I knew I'd place! I won't lie, I'm super curious how much I lost by because losing over 16 lbs and 3.1% body fat is pretty big for two months. But good for the number one winner! And it was a woman! So she definitely beat me fair and square! Stupid men and their ability to lose weight by blinking...
This is SO not the end! I have so much farther to go on this journey and so much more to accomplish! Shane texted me to congratulate me and my first thought was "Thanks! But we have some serious work to do still!" He suggested we kill the bitch. I giggled.
While an experience like this (especially with so much praise and support from friends and family upon hearing the good news!) is especially motivating, it ultimately means nothing. It's a great milestone. But this by no means is the end of anything. Nor is it the beginning. This is a pleasant little rest stop on the highway to healthy :)
This is SO not the end! I have so much farther to go on this journey and so much more to accomplish! Shane texted me to congratulate me and my first thought was "Thanks! But we have some serious work to do still!" He suggested we kill the bitch. I giggled.
While an experience like this (especially with so much praise and support from friends and family upon hearing the good news!) is especially motivating, it ultimately means nothing. It's a great milestone. But this by no means is the end of anything. Nor is it the beginning. This is a pleasant little rest stop on the highway to healthy :)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tortellini makes me tortilooney
I made it four weeks on the keto diet! I finished the first four weeks of this program and now I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel my glycogen levels. It felt like I was running on empty and was seriously time to "refeed".
So tonight I had my first cheat meal. When you cheat, you're supposed to have stuff that's terrible for you. You're supposed to shock your system into kicking your metabolism back into high gear. Here I am after three helpings of tortellini alfredo, half a loaf of bread, a handful of jordan almonds, three chocolate truffles, a handful of mike and ikes, a black & white cookie and two glasses of v8 fusion. I don't have a food baby...I have food triplets. I'd feel terribly guilty that I ate this while watching the Biggest Loser if it weren't for the fact that I'm doing this as part of a diet regimen.
I really struggled figuring out what I wanted as my cheat meal. It feels wrong to eat this stuff and to want to eat it. Truth be told, I didn't get any sense of satisfaction eating bread or chocolate the way I used to. Before starting any of this fitness nonsense, when I craved something, partaking of it released pressure. Much like the relief of scratching an itch, fulfilling a craving gave me a sense of euphoria. Sure it's tasty, but I don't feel like I just fueled some demon inside my body lusting for carbs.
Now that i've passed the initial four week period and I've finally gotten my first cheat meal, I realize how important this diet was for my journey. Some people I tell about it say it sounds extremely unhealthy and think that I'll gain a ton of weight back when I go off it. But you know what? This diet is a huge test of my self control and will power. Sure, I've wanted to quit my diet a few times b/c I was frustrated with a lack of results. But I never felt the urge to cheat. The times I wanted to quit I wanted fruit. I wanted whole wheat toast. I wanted my low-fat swiss cheese and nonfat yogurt. I don't feel the need to eat pizza or chinese food or burgers. I crave things that are good for me and I realize what a huge step that is.
From this point forth I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel on carbs and feed off that glycogen for the week. I can't wait to see what results I get on the scale and in my energy levels for my workouts after this!
So tonight I had my first cheat meal. When you cheat, you're supposed to have stuff that's terrible for you. You're supposed to shock your system into kicking your metabolism back into high gear. Here I am after three helpings of tortellini alfredo, half a loaf of bread, a handful of jordan almonds, three chocolate truffles, a handful of mike and ikes, a black & white cookie and two glasses of v8 fusion. I don't have a food baby...I have food triplets. I'd feel terribly guilty that I ate this while watching the Biggest Loser if it weren't for the fact that I'm doing this as part of a diet regimen.
I really struggled figuring out what I wanted as my cheat meal. It feels wrong to eat this stuff and to want to eat it. Truth be told, I didn't get any sense of satisfaction eating bread or chocolate the way I used to. Before starting any of this fitness nonsense, when I craved something, partaking of it released pressure. Much like the relief of scratching an itch, fulfilling a craving gave me a sense of euphoria. Sure it's tasty, but I don't feel like I just fueled some demon inside my body lusting for carbs.
Now that i've passed the initial four week period and I've finally gotten my first cheat meal, I realize how important this diet was for my journey. Some people I tell about it say it sounds extremely unhealthy and think that I'll gain a ton of weight back when I go off it. But you know what? This diet is a huge test of my self control and will power. Sure, I've wanted to quit my diet a few times b/c I was frustrated with a lack of results. But I never felt the urge to cheat. The times I wanted to quit I wanted fruit. I wanted whole wheat toast. I wanted my low-fat swiss cheese and nonfat yogurt. I don't feel the need to eat pizza or chinese food or burgers. I crave things that are good for me and I realize what a huge step that is.
From this point forth I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel on carbs and feed off that glycogen for the week. I can't wait to see what results I get on the scale and in my energy levels for my workouts after this!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
"Daddy, how much protein is in a donut?"
The verdict on the plateau is in: diet soda was holding me back. Lost 1.5 lbs since I stopped drinking it two days ago. No more diet soda for Gina! However the good news is that, since the scale is moving again, I feel fairly confident that I could hold out on my cheat meal til Saturday like originally planned instead of Tuesday when I'm first able to have one.
As I continue to grow weary of my repetitious diet, I realize how much I still have yet to learn about food. I had a session this morning at 9 am and felt that eating a crap ton of eggs and egg whites before my session (especially leg day!) would be an epically bad life choice. So I ate Meal 2 first. When Shane asked what I'd already had today, I told him of my switch and expressed my disdain for the eggs that await me. And he tells me "Well just switch it out for the same amount of fat and protein." Now he says this carelessly because he's been doing it so long that he knows the fat/carb/calorie/protein content of everything he consumes. I am still very unaware of how much of what is in the food I eat. Even on this diet, I know what I'm supposed to eat and that certain things are more fat than protein, but I don't know the actual numerical breakdown.
I'd like to think I'm pretty smart. So I'm confused why facts like these won't stick with me. Why can't I ever sit down, do the math, and remember how much fat and protein is in something so that I can replace it with something else that would be a little more satisfying if not just a change of menu pace? Shane mentioned that I could replace my eggs on my Day 2 menu with probably 5 lowfat cheesesticks for the same nutritional intake. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS CHEESE?!??!?! It is to my mental benefit to learn these things at this point!!!
So amongst my normal challenges of sticking to this diet without cheating, continuing going to the gym on a regular (if not more frequent by going twice a day) basis, and keeping a confident and positive attitude, I must also challenge myself to learn more about food. Food should not be my enemy. I shouldn't be depriving myself of things of things I like forever. I should just learn more about them to make informed eating decisions.
Here's to cheese! May it always come to the rescue!
As I continue to grow weary of my repetitious diet, I realize how much I still have yet to learn about food. I had a session this morning at 9 am and felt that eating a crap ton of eggs and egg whites before my session (especially leg day!) would be an epically bad life choice. So I ate Meal 2 first. When Shane asked what I'd already had today, I told him of my switch and expressed my disdain for the eggs that await me. And he tells me "Well just switch it out for the same amount of fat and protein." Now he says this carelessly because he's been doing it so long that he knows the fat/carb/calorie/protein content of everything he consumes. I am still very unaware of how much of what is in the food I eat. Even on this diet, I know what I'm supposed to eat and that certain things are more fat than protein, but I don't know the actual numerical breakdown.
I'd like to think I'm pretty smart. So I'm confused why facts like these won't stick with me. Why can't I ever sit down, do the math, and remember how much fat and protein is in something so that I can replace it with something else that would be a little more satisfying if not just a change of menu pace? Shane mentioned that I could replace my eggs on my Day 2 menu with probably 5 lowfat cheesesticks for the same nutritional intake. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS CHEESE?!??!?! It is to my mental benefit to learn these things at this point!!!
So amongst my normal challenges of sticking to this diet without cheating, continuing going to the gym on a regular (if not more frequent by going twice a day) basis, and keeping a confident and positive attitude, I must also challenge myself to learn more about food. Food should not be my enemy. I shouldn't be depriving myself of things of things I like forever. I should just learn more about them to make informed eating decisions.
Here's to cheese! May it always come to the rescue!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A Milestone To Be Proud Of
I have been suffering for several weeks now with two things: a plateau and baggy clothes. I believe I may have a breakthrough on both today.
Under the assumption that diet soda won't kill me, I had been drinking it religiously (2-4 cans a day) while starting my keto diet. I started to drink a lot of it in my second week thinking it was a nice alternative to other drinks I can't have and a nice change from water. Shane told me that he drinks at least one of those Big Gulps from 7-Eleven of diet soda every day because it's his vice and he doesn't have an issue with it. Well....I think he's a liar. Because yesterday was the first day I drank no soda and it was also the first time I saw the scale move in two weeks. If tomorrow I see the scale move down again, I'm going to know that diet soda was holding me back for two weeks. And while I would be frustrated that I "wasted" two weeks at a stagnant weight, I'm glad that it stayed still instead of going up and I'm glad I know why it happened.
This week I've spent some time sorting through literally all my clothes to figure out what I should get rid of, what I should get tailored, and what still fits. The "get tailored" pile is biggest. I have so many clothes I love that I just can't afford to replace right now. Yet somehow, knowing that my budget is limited (from a low salary plus lots of wedding expenses) doesn't prevent me from buying certain things. Last night I saw a teal satin trench coat in a size "L" that just drew me in. I put it on and I just felt fantastic. I needed a rain coat and it was $39.99 and I couldn't say no to it. Something as simple as a coat that makes me feel that stellar just has to be in my wardrobe. But then after work, something amazing happened.
At my largest, I was a size 20. Not only was I not okay with weighing almost a quarter of a ton at 240 lbs, but I was not okay with my dress size being so damn close to my age. As my colleague, Rebecca, and I passed the Gap in the mall, she talked me into trying on some new dress pants and jeans. I do need dress pants desperately because NONE of mine fit. I did not have luck on dress pants but I did manage to get into a few pairs of jeans. Now because of all this weight I've been losing I have no concept of what size I am. I tried on a size 16 dress pant and they fit okay. I tried on a size 16 jean and they were too big. We get me a smaller size and a size 14 jeans fit like a glove. 14!!! I know that's still big but in five months I've lost4 dress sizes! I honestly can't even remember the last time I wore a size 14. I still have my issues with certain parts of my body *ahem*thunderthighs*ahem*, but I couldn't believe how much better I was looking in a fitting room mirror.
So wow. Size 14. I can't wait to get to single digits and finally be in the 100 club!
Under the assumption that diet soda won't kill me, I had been drinking it religiously (2-4 cans a day) while starting my keto diet. I started to drink a lot of it in my second week thinking it was a nice alternative to other drinks I can't have and a nice change from water. Shane told me that he drinks at least one of those Big Gulps from 7-Eleven of diet soda every day because it's his vice and he doesn't have an issue with it. Well....I think he's a liar. Because yesterday was the first day I drank no soda and it was also the first time I saw the scale move in two weeks. If tomorrow I see the scale move down again, I'm going to know that diet soda was holding me back for two weeks. And while I would be frustrated that I "wasted" two weeks at a stagnant weight, I'm glad that it stayed still instead of going up and I'm glad I know why it happened.
This week I've spent some time sorting through literally all my clothes to figure out what I should get rid of, what I should get tailored, and what still fits. The "get tailored" pile is biggest. I have so many clothes I love that I just can't afford to replace right now. Yet somehow, knowing that my budget is limited (from a low salary plus lots of wedding expenses) doesn't prevent me from buying certain things. Last night I saw a teal satin trench coat in a size "L" that just drew me in. I put it on and I just felt fantastic. I needed a rain coat and it was $39.99 and I couldn't say no to it. Something as simple as a coat that makes me feel that stellar just has to be in my wardrobe. But then after work, something amazing happened.
At my largest, I was a size 20. Not only was I not okay with weighing almost a quarter of a ton at 240 lbs, but I was not okay with my dress size being so damn close to my age. As my colleague, Rebecca, and I passed the Gap in the mall, she talked me into trying on some new dress pants and jeans. I do need dress pants desperately because NONE of mine fit. I did not have luck on dress pants but I did manage to get into a few pairs of jeans. Now because of all this weight I've been losing I have no concept of what size I am. I tried on a size 16 dress pant and they fit okay. I tried on a size 16 jean and they were too big. We get me a smaller size and a size 14 jeans fit like a glove. 14!!! I know that's still big but in five months I've lost4 dress sizes! I honestly can't even remember the last time I wore a size 14. I still have my issues with certain parts of my body *ahem*thunderthighs*ahem*, but I couldn't believe how much better I was looking in a fitting room mirror.
So wow. Size 14. I can't wait to get to single digits and finally be in the 100 club!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Challenge Complete: Results Pending
My gym decided two months ago that it was going to run it's own Biggest Loser challenge. It was going to give you two months to lose as much body fat as you could. When you did your initial weigh-in, they weigh you and take your body fat percentage. I figured "Hey I'm competitive. Why not." This is what inspired a keto diet, to further the progression. I was afraid since I was already two months into my training that I would be plateauing throughout this competition. Thankfully, the keto diet put me at better odds and I have had my final weigh-in this morning: I lost 16.6 lbs and 3.1% body fat since I weighed-in for the challenge. They will contact me in the next few days to let me know if I'm a winner!
1st place - free month of personal training
2nd place - 3 free months of gym membership
3rd place - 1 free month of gym membership
All participants get a little something!
On a very coincidental note, the Biggest Loser Season 8 premieres today!!! The theme this season is "Second Chances" and includes Danny from last season who already lost 150 lbs as well as a woman who lost her entire family to a car crash. I can already tell that I'm going to be crying every Tuesday. AGAIN. I feel pity for these people as much as I can relate to them.
The other day at the Bridal Shower, my aunt asked me what changed. Why I finally decided to get in shape. And I didn't have an answer. She suggested that maybe my brother's wedding was motivation. While she's definitely onto something, but I don't believe that's the whole motivation. I believe that finally watching The Biggest Loser last season was a huge inspiration. Watching Tara, who I very highly identify with, go through all this competition and progress just made me realize "She can do this. If I'm also the type of person who puts my mind to something and can always achieve it, why is my weight the one exception to this rule??" She just dominated every challenge and never gave up. How she didn't win, I'll never understand. But the point is that she was living what I should be doing. There's no reason that my weight should be the only thing I can't conquer.
But then that puts me on the slippery slope to thinking other things. Why did I never feel like this was something I had control over? Even now, after losing 40 lbs, I feel accomplished but I don't feel as though getting down to 130 lbs is something that I'm capable of. I'm stuck on a plateau that I can't shake and my brain just wants to accept that that's enough. That I'm not capable of more. How do I convince myself that I'm worth it? That I CAN do this. I've come this far....how can I let myself down now??
How do I even find answers to these questions????
1st place - free month of personal training
2nd place - 3 free months of gym membership
3rd place - 1 free month of gym membership
All participants get a little something!
On a very coincidental note, the Biggest Loser Season 8 premieres today!!! The theme this season is "Second Chances" and includes Danny from last season who already lost 150 lbs as well as a woman who lost her entire family to a car crash. I can already tell that I'm going to be crying every Tuesday. AGAIN. I feel pity for these people as much as I can relate to them.
The other day at the Bridal Shower, my aunt asked me what changed. Why I finally decided to get in shape. And I didn't have an answer. She suggested that maybe my brother's wedding was motivation. While she's definitely onto something, but I don't believe that's the whole motivation. I believe that finally watching The Biggest Loser last season was a huge inspiration. Watching Tara, who I very highly identify with, go through all this competition and progress just made me realize "She can do this. If I'm also the type of person who puts my mind to something and can always achieve it, why is my weight the one exception to this rule??" She just dominated every challenge and never gave up. How she didn't win, I'll never understand. But the point is that she was living what I should be doing. There's no reason that my weight should be the only thing I can't conquer.
But then that puts me on the slippery slope to thinking other things. Why did I never feel like this was something I had control over? Even now, after losing 40 lbs, I feel accomplished but I don't feel as though getting down to 130 lbs is something that I'm capable of. I'm stuck on a plateau that I can't shake and my brain just wants to accept that that's enough. That I'm not capable of more. How do I convince myself that I'm worth it? That I CAN do this. I've come this far....how can I let myself down now??
How do I even find answers to these questions????
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Evidence of Progress
Yesterday must have been one of the craziest and busiest days I've had in a few months. I figured with a training session first thing in the morning, a wedding and a bridal shower in three different parts of NJ that I'd surely be cheating on my diet. Lo and behold...
I packed a cooler (as per a suggestion from roomie, Kathryn) with some chicken and protein powder. I cooked the chicken and cut it into nugget-size pieces so that I could eat them as I was driving from one event to the other. By the time I left for the wedding ceremony in Trenton at 12:30, I had already had my first and second meal of the day. After the ceremony ended just before 3:00 pm, I jumped in the car and drove the 45 minutes to Southampton for the bridal shower. On the way, I ate one of my packs of chicken. Upon arrival, I ate a cup of the only green vegetable I could find, cucumbers. At 5:30, I hopped back in the car for the hour and twenty minute drive to Bridgewater for the wedding reception. On this car ride I ate my other packet of chicken and then when the time came for the dinner buffet, I took a heaping bowl of salad to tide me over. I drank water and a vodka with diet soda (b/c i'm allowed clear liquor) but I felt basically fine. The wedding cake and some pastries came out for everyone and I was very tempted by that, but I find that if I savor the smell of these things it's as good as eating it without any guilt. Okay..it's not as good as eating it. But if it's between smelling it a lot like a freak with no guilt or eating some and obliterating my diet, i'm going with the guiltless option. Then on the drive home from Bridgewater, I ate my protein powder which was the last meal of the day.
Let's remember that Project 23 is not just about dieting and exercise. It's also about bettering myself as a person and becoming more social and happy. Yesterday was definitely evidence of my growth in these areas (Side note: Funny that my inner self needs to grow, while my outer self needs to shrink). At the ceremony, I walked in in my fabulous teal dress and purple heels and lavender coat with my purple clutch and just felt dynamite. One of the groomsmen escorted me to my seat and I sat alone, an entire pew to myself, for the ceremony. Old Gina would have felt very uncomfortable and self conscious through the whole ordeal. This New Gina apparently revels in doing things alone. I sat there, happily, taking my pictures, stood, sat and kneeled with everyone else and I got teary-eyed when the bride and groom got choked up on their vows. Yet this whole time, I felt nothing but contentment reveling in the reason I was there: the joining of two people in holy matrimony. The focus in my head was only for Natalie and Jay as I watched it all happen. A welcome change from the focus of "Who's looking at me and judging me? Who thinks I look fat in this dress?". (Side note: Funny that taking care of myself and doing a lot more things for me results in thinking less about myself in social situations)
At the bridal shower, I flew in in a frenzy and changed into jeans so that I could mingle with as many friends and family members as I could before I had to leave 2 hours later. Apparently my Aunt has been following my facebook statuses and updates about my fitness regimin and immediately inquired about the details. My grandparents, who I haven't seen in a while, commented quite a few times on how great I was looking. Kelly's family members were all happy to see me as well as commenting on how much weight I must have lost. EVERYONE seemed to have something to say. It just boosted my confidence through the roof. I felt interesting and charming with everyone I came across. I caught up with my cousins, Vinnie's friends, other family members and close friends of the family. However soon my time was up and I had to change back into my teal dress and heels to get back to the wedding reception in north jersey. In a whirlwind, I said my goodbyes.
Back at the reception and cocktail hour, the few I knew picked up the compliments on my appearance. All positive ego boosters. Even though I was the only single person sitting at a table of three other couples and often sat alone during a slow dance, I felt no loneliness or shame in this. So I didn't have a date to a wedding. So I wasn't dancing. Big deal. The song "You're nobody til somebody loves you"came on and I just found myself laughing. So silly to assume that b/c you're not in love that you're any less of a person. I did dance with some friends and had a great time just enjoying all the love and happiness in the room. I found myself taking pictures and smiling as I watched other people dance and Natalie and Jay have the night of their lives. It was the first time I went to a wedding and got teary-eyed with happiness and only happiness.
At no point over the course of the entire day did I feel lonely or insuffiicient because I lacked a boyfriend, fiance or husband. I finally was living in the moment instead of feeling self conscious over the things I lack. Now I can't WAIT for the other weddings to make more great memories!
I packed a cooler (as per a suggestion from roomie, Kathryn) with some chicken and protein powder. I cooked the chicken and cut it into nugget-size pieces so that I could eat them as I was driving from one event to the other. By the time I left for the wedding ceremony in Trenton at 12:30, I had already had my first and second meal of the day. After the ceremony ended just before 3:00 pm, I jumped in the car and drove the 45 minutes to Southampton for the bridal shower. On the way, I ate one of my packs of chicken. Upon arrival, I ate a cup of the only green vegetable I could find, cucumbers. At 5:30, I hopped back in the car for the hour and twenty minute drive to Bridgewater for the wedding reception. On this car ride I ate my other packet of chicken and then when the time came for the dinner buffet, I took a heaping bowl of salad to tide me over. I drank water and a vodka with diet soda (b/c i'm allowed clear liquor) but I felt basically fine. The wedding cake and some pastries came out for everyone and I was very tempted by that, but I find that if I savor the smell of these things it's as good as eating it without any guilt. Okay..it's not as good as eating it. But if it's between smelling it a lot like a freak with no guilt or eating some and obliterating my diet, i'm going with the guiltless option. Then on the drive home from Bridgewater, I ate my protein powder which was the last meal of the day.
Let's remember that Project 23 is not just about dieting and exercise. It's also about bettering myself as a person and becoming more social and happy. Yesterday was definitely evidence of my growth in these areas (Side note: Funny that my inner self needs to grow, while my outer self needs to shrink). At the ceremony, I walked in in my fabulous teal dress and purple heels and lavender coat with my purple clutch and just felt dynamite. One of the groomsmen escorted me to my seat and I sat alone, an entire pew to myself, for the ceremony. Old Gina would have felt very uncomfortable and self conscious through the whole ordeal. This New Gina apparently revels in doing things alone. I sat there, happily, taking my pictures, stood, sat and kneeled with everyone else and I got teary-eyed when the bride and groom got choked up on their vows. Yet this whole time, I felt nothing but contentment reveling in the reason I was there: the joining of two people in holy matrimony. The focus in my head was only for Natalie and Jay as I watched it all happen. A welcome change from the focus of "Who's looking at me and judging me? Who thinks I look fat in this dress?". (Side note: Funny that taking care of myself and doing a lot more things for me results in thinking less about myself in social situations)
At the bridal shower, I flew in in a frenzy and changed into jeans so that I could mingle with as many friends and family members as I could before I had to leave 2 hours later. Apparently my Aunt has been following my facebook statuses and updates about my fitness regimin and immediately inquired about the details. My grandparents, who I haven't seen in a while, commented quite a few times on how great I was looking. Kelly's family members were all happy to see me as well as commenting on how much weight I must have lost. EVERYONE seemed to have something to say. It just boosted my confidence through the roof. I felt interesting and charming with everyone I came across. I caught up with my cousins, Vinnie's friends, other family members and close friends of the family. However soon my time was up and I had to change back into my teal dress and heels to get back to the wedding reception in north jersey. In a whirlwind, I said my goodbyes.
Back at the reception and cocktail hour, the few I knew picked up the compliments on my appearance. All positive ego boosters. Even though I was the only single person sitting at a table of three other couples and often sat alone during a slow dance, I felt no loneliness or shame in this. So I didn't have a date to a wedding. So I wasn't dancing. Big deal. The song "You're nobody til somebody loves you"came on and I just found myself laughing. So silly to assume that b/c you're not in love that you're any less of a person. I did dance with some friends and had a great time just enjoying all the love and happiness in the room. I found myself taking pictures and smiling as I watched other people dance and Natalie and Jay have the night of their lives. It was the first time I went to a wedding and got teary-eyed with happiness and only happiness.
At no point over the course of the entire day did I feel lonely or insuffiicient because I lacked a boyfriend, fiance or husband. I finally was living in the moment instead of feeling self conscious over the things I lack. Now I can't WAIT for the other weddings to make more great memories!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Back on track
After a rough day and a half, I seem to be back on track. The weather is pretty gross which is messing with my energy level, but I feel more confident about all this again. I bought some turkey bacon and tofu yesterday to substitute for my eggs some mornings. Eggs, turkey bacon, tofu....it's all pretty pricey so it's not like one is more of an economical choice, unfortunately. But at least I'll have some breakfast variety. I try to switch around the types of tea I drink to change up the morning routine instead.
Tomorrow I have a wedding AND a bridal shower to go to. And I'm not allowed a cheat meal yet. I actually have to pack a little cooler for myself with my Day 1 menu. I have no idea how I'm going to manage to go to two huge events and not touch any of their food, but I have no choice. I'll be able to drink some things and perhaps eat some vegetables when I'm scheduled to eat them throughout the day, but ultimately I think i'm on my own and will be only drinking diet soda and water. Can't even drink champagne, sadly.
This will be the ultimate test. And i'm very glad that I already had my weak moment yesterday because if I felt as bad as I did yesterday during these events tomorrow, I would have caved and I would have quit. But I feel confident about tomorrow. I'm very fortunate that my next two weddings will occur on cheat days. You bet I'll be eating tons of wedding cake and drinking lots of alcohol then!
Tomorrow I have a wedding AND a bridal shower to go to. And I'm not allowed a cheat meal yet. I actually have to pack a little cooler for myself with my Day 1 menu. I have no idea how I'm going to manage to go to two huge events and not touch any of their food, but I have no choice. I'll be able to drink some things and perhaps eat some vegetables when I'm scheduled to eat them throughout the day, but ultimately I think i'm on my own and will be only drinking diet soda and water. Can't even drink champagne, sadly.
This will be the ultimate test. And i'm very glad that I already had my weak moment yesterday because if I felt as bad as I did yesterday during these events tomorrow, I would have caved and I would have quit. But I feel confident about tomorrow. I'm very fortunate that my next two weddings will occur on cheat days. You bet I'll be eating tons of wedding cake and drinking lots of alcohol then!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I'm NOT a quitter.
I came |THIS| close to quitting my keto diet today. I don't know what happened but I just woke up and something in me snapped. The idea of consuming one more egg or egg white just enraged me. Why the hell am I eating this crap if the scale's not going to move! I actually had to text Shane to ask what an alternative to eating eggs was b/c if I eat one more egg I think I might hurl myself down a flight of steps. Dramatic? Maybe. You eat the same exact thing every day for 2 1/2 weeks and tell me how you feel.
After much verbal, out-loud deliberation with several friends and colleagues, Johanna was the only one to talk me off the ledge. "NO!! You've come so far! You've already made it over halfway through to your cheat meal day! Don't give up now! You're so close! I won't let you quit on my watch!!" She was just so enthusiastic about me sticking with it that I finally decided she's right. And giving up at the stage of the game will have wasted all the effort I've put in thus far. Only a few days ago I was talking about how easy this keto diet was because I was seeing results. Now that I see nothing, I'm getting frustrated so easily and finally starting to feel the burden of a lack of variety in my diet. But I won't quit. I will not have wasted almost three weeks for nothing! I refuse!
Now, because my eggs were trying to kill me this morning, I'm starving because I neglected to eat at least half of my breakfast. So all day, even though I've eaten my other two meals in full, I feel ravenous. I have work at the theater tonight, so I doubt i'll have the energy to hit the gym afterward.
*Sigh* Oh motivation. You have forsaken me today.
After much verbal, out-loud deliberation with several friends and colleagues, Johanna was the only one to talk me off the ledge. "NO!! You've come so far! You've already made it over halfway through to your cheat meal day! Don't give up now! You're so close! I won't let you quit on my watch!!" She was just so enthusiastic about me sticking with it that I finally decided she's right. And giving up at the stage of the game will have wasted all the effort I've put in thus far. Only a few days ago I was talking about how easy this keto diet was because I was seeing results. Now that I see nothing, I'm getting frustrated so easily and finally starting to feel the burden of a lack of variety in my diet. But I won't quit. I will not have wasted almost three weeks for nothing! I refuse!
Now, because my eggs were trying to kill me this morning, I'm starving because I neglected to eat at least half of my breakfast. So all day, even though I've eaten my other two meals in full, I feel ravenous. I have work at the theater tonight, so I doubt i'll have the energy to hit the gym afterward.
*Sigh* Oh motivation. You have forsaken me today.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Deliver us from evil
To say that I was in a bad mood this evening might be an understatement. I believe the words "pissy" and "stabby" may be more appropriate. A whole bunch of things came to a head at once and made me temporarily lose my mind. Today was the first day I really did not want to go see my trainer and had absolutely no desire to train.
Here's the issue with that.... once I did get to the gym, I decided abusing my body was the way to make me feel better. "Maybe if I'm really tired when I get home, I won't stress anymore." Well. It kinda worked. Except now I'm upset instead of angry. Apparently depression is anger without enthusiasm.
Before starting the keto diet, if I found myself emotional eating, I would have one of two reactions: A) continue to emotional eat and mope all evening ashamed of myself or B) go to the gym for a long long time repeating the mantra "i don't deserve to eat" until my legs were jelly. I once told my trainer, Shane, of this sort of activity to which he said, "That's called a mental disorder, Gina."
How do we teach ourselves to take the bad with the good instead of punishing ourselves? When we get upset or angry, why do we turn to food for comfort? And if not gluttony, why do we abuse our bodies instead of taking some form of healthy alternative? I'm so far into this mentality, that I can't even think of a healthy alternative to take out some aggression and pain.
Here's the issue with that.... once I did get to the gym, I decided abusing my body was the way to make me feel better. "Maybe if I'm really tired when I get home, I won't stress anymore." Well. It kinda worked. Except now I'm upset instead of angry. Apparently depression is anger without enthusiasm.
Before starting the keto diet, if I found myself emotional eating, I would have one of two reactions: A) continue to emotional eat and mope all evening ashamed of myself or B) go to the gym for a long long time repeating the mantra "i don't deserve to eat" until my legs were jelly. I once told my trainer, Shane, of this sort of activity to which he said, "That's called a mental disorder, Gina."
How do we teach ourselves to take the bad with the good instead of punishing ourselves? When we get upset or angry, why do we turn to food for comfort? And if not gluttony, why do we abuse our bodies instead of taking some form of healthy alternative? I'm so far into this mentality, that I can't even think of a healthy alternative to take out some aggression and pain.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The struggle continues
I have nothing but proof that my body is shrinking. The scale is going down, my clothes fit looser, people comment often that I look as though I'm disappearing, and i'm wearing three-four dress sizes smaller than I was in April. Yet most of the time, when I look in the mirror, I could swear that I look exactly the same.
Perhaps it's because I'm losing weight evenly so I'm the same shape but a smaller version. Or perhaps it's because when you spend so long being a certain size, you don't realize that you actually are smaller yet. Whatever the case, I find this phenomena as frustrating as it is scary. I don't want to turn into one of those people who's rail thin but still sees themself as a plus-size person. I'm aware that many people have at least a mild form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Even the skinnest girl will think that her arms are fat or a model will think that his nose is too big. But will I never see myself as I really am? Will I always have the twisted thought that someone just switched all my clothes for bigger sizes while I slept?
I don't want to be obsessed with my weight forever, whether it be lowering it or maintaining it. I'm finally coming to the part of my journey that is going to be an emotional struggle to accept who I'm becoming. I need to figure out what got me to weigh almost a quarter of a ton. I need to figure out what triggered my "click" moment where I finally buckled down and got serious about my health. Most importantly, I need to figure out how to love myself.
Can I ever forgive myself for letting it all get so out of hand in the first place?
Perhaps it's because I'm losing weight evenly so I'm the same shape but a smaller version. Or perhaps it's because when you spend so long being a certain size, you don't realize that you actually are smaller yet. Whatever the case, I find this phenomena as frustrating as it is scary. I don't want to turn into one of those people who's rail thin but still sees themself as a plus-size person. I'm aware that many people have at least a mild form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Even the skinnest girl will think that her arms are fat or a model will think that his nose is too big. But will I never see myself as I really am? Will I always have the twisted thought that someone just switched all my clothes for bigger sizes while I slept?
I don't want to be obsessed with my weight forever, whether it be lowering it or maintaining it. I'm finally coming to the part of my journey that is going to be an emotional struggle to accept who I'm becoming. I need to figure out what got me to weigh almost a quarter of a ton. I need to figure out what triggered my "click" moment where I finally buckled down and got serious about my health. Most importantly, I need to figure out how to love myself.
Can I ever forgive myself for letting it all get so out of hand in the first place?
Monday, September 7, 2009
Ode to my protein powder
Dear Whey Protein,
At first, I felt like owning you made me a meathead. The big 5 lb tub of you I ordered was a little intimidating but I was told you were good for me so I had to try you out. Your Cinnamon Bun flavor was exciting at first! The way just adding a little water to you made you into a cake batter consistency or if I microwaved you you'd turn into a brownie...but soon your effect began to fade. And you didn't interest me as much.
Since I started this keto diet and you've become an important part of my menu twice a day, you've rekindled my love. I now look forward to partaking of you and savoring the delectable flavor that left me indifferent before. Your simplicity makes you easily portable and quick to ingest. Though 40 grams of you is not a lot, you still manage to satisfy twice a day as though you were a treat and not a vital part of my diet.
Thanks for being you, Whey Protein. Don't ever change.
~Gina
P.S. Please don't be upset if I turn to the Vanilla Caramel flavor for satisfaction too. She's a temptress I can't help but be interested in.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Intro to Keto
My trainer put me on a ketogenic diet as a "let's see what happens" strategy. The results, in only 11 days, are kind of outstanding. I've lost 13 lbs.
For those of you playing the home game, a ketogenic diet is a diet that's predominantly protein and some fat with very little carbohydrates of ANY kind. Most are familiar with the Atkins diet which is a form of a ketogenic diet. The diet is designed to put you into a state of ketosis (the accumulation of excessive ketones in the body, as in diabetic acidosis). Ketosis can be used to treat epilepsy but it is also a state that puts your body in high fat-burning gear. Typically, your body would produce energy from the carbohydrates you ingest. Since this diet provides you with 50 or less grams of carbohydrates in a day, your body learns to use a new source of fuel. They say you'll feel "weird" for the first few days because it takes approximately four days to get into a state of ketosis. Let me tell you..."weird" is the only way to describe the feeling. There's a strange taste in your mouth and your stomach feels out of sorts and you almost feel disoriented. It's not pleasant. For me, this feeling passed after the first day and a half, luckily.
For a female, the diet plan goes like this:
Day 1:
Meal 1: 12 egg whites
Meal 2: 40 grams of whey protein
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken and 1 cup asparagus or green beans
Meal 4: 6 oz. white fish with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots, or red peppers) using mustard and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein
Day 2: Repeated two days in a row
Meal 1: 2 whole eggs, 6 egg whites
Meal 2: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken with 1 oz. (1/4 cup) or cashews, almonds or walnuts
Meal 4: 6 oz. salmon, swordfish or lean red meat with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots or red peppers) using macadamia nut oil and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
You follow Day 1's diet, and then do two days of Day 2's diet, and repeat. For the first four weeks you eat like this. After this point, you are required to have a "cheat meal". Basically you eat whatever you want to restore your glycogen levels. Your body then feeds off that for the week until the next feeding. Shane highly suggests a whole pizza and a few doughnuts because that's what he does. Eww.
Although extremely specific, this diet is as motivating as it is limiting. But just imagine watching 5 lbs melt off in a day....it helps keep me pretty focused. September 26th will be my first cheat meal day. I have a long way to go but a blazing trail of determination behind me already!
For those of you playing the home game, a ketogenic diet is a diet that's predominantly protein and some fat with very little carbohydrates of ANY kind. Most are familiar with the Atkins diet which is a form of a ketogenic diet. The diet is designed to put you into a state of ketosis (the accumulation of excessive ketones in the body, as in diabetic acidosis). Ketosis can be used to treat epilepsy but it is also a state that puts your body in high fat-burning gear. Typically, your body would produce energy from the carbohydrates you ingest. Since this diet provides you with 50 or less grams of carbohydrates in a day, your body learns to use a new source of fuel. They say you'll feel "weird" for the first few days because it takes approximately four days to get into a state of ketosis. Let me tell you..."weird" is the only way to describe the feeling. There's a strange taste in your mouth and your stomach feels out of sorts and you almost feel disoriented. It's not pleasant. For me, this feeling passed after the first day and a half, luckily.
For a female, the diet plan goes like this:
Day 1:
Meal 1: 12 egg whites
Meal 2: 40 grams of whey protein
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken and 1 cup asparagus or green beans
Meal 4: 6 oz. white fish with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots, or red peppers) using mustard and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein
Day 2: Repeated two days in a row
Meal 1: 2 whole eggs, 6 egg whites
Meal 2: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken with 1 oz. (1/4 cup) or cashews, almonds or walnuts
Meal 4: 6 oz. salmon, swordfish or lean red meat with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots or red peppers) using macadamia nut oil and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
You follow Day 1's diet, and then do two days of Day 2's diet, and repeat. For the first four weeks you eat like this. After this point, you are required to have a "cheat meal". Basically you eat whatever you want to restore your glycogen levels. Your body then feeds off that for the week until the next feeding. Shane highly suggests a whole pizza and a few doughnuts because that's what he does. Eww.
Although extremely specific, this diet is as motivating as it is limiting. But just imagine watching 5 lbs melt off in a day....it helps keep me pretty focused. September 26th will be my first cheat meal day. I have a long way to go but a blazing trail of determination behind me already!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Clothes Are No Longer The Devil
After work today, I went shopping for wedding shoes for my friend, Rose, who will be getting married in October. I went along to help her out because sometimes she needs help deciding things. I just love helping other people shop because I seem to be good luck for them! We go to DSW shoes and afterward I wanted to go to Ross Stores to find an outfit for a wedding I will be attending next weekend. Four hours later, I'm almost $200 poorer but brought home a clutch, two pairs of heels and a dress.
I used to hate shopping. Malls literally depressed me. I would go in to find something or just to look around and would come out hating myself and sometimes crying. Nothing ever fit that I tried on. If I was being honest with myself, sometimes I would try on things that were a size too small because I simply could not accept that I had gained more weight and some things just looked terrible on me when they did fit. I was ashamed to be shopping in stores like Torrid and Lane Bryant and feeling the eyes of passerbys watching me go in or out and was embarrassed to even carry the shopping bag around with me after a rare purchase. I wouldn't go clothes shopping for myself unless I brought another big-boned friend with me. I hated to drag my skinny friends into a "Fat Store".
Companies design clothes for bigger women with either large stomachs or large chests. I have neither really, so trying on shirts was always a big frustration. If I don't fit into the clothes in regular stores, and the clothes in the "Fat Store" don't fit me right, how am I supposed to cover and hide my body attractively? Well...I didn't really.
After losing 35 lbs, I realize how significant a loss it is. Not only am I proud to put on clothes that are two-three sizes smaller than I'm used to, but I'm finding that I have more choices. I'm getting bolder in my fashion choices too because I'm not as afraid to draw attention to myself. This evening I bought a teal dress that I will wear with purple pumps and other purple accessories (clutch, earrings, bangle, etc.). At my heaviest of 240 lbs, I never would have felt comfortable wearing such bold colors and making a fashion statement with these contrasting colors. My entire wardrobe, up until a few months ago, was all black. "Black is slimming."
With this transformation, not only am I regaining confidence to express my playful personality with things like purple high heels, but I'm gaining color in my life. When I wear colors, I feel better. I feel more alive. When I wear black, I feel more serious and find that I'm almost mopey all day. Black can be a power color, but not when you wear it daily. It's just something I never thought about changing with this lifestyle alteration I'm making. It just kind of happened.
It feels good not to live in black and white anymore :)
I used to hate shopping. Malls literally depressed me. I would go in to find something or just to look around and would come out hating myself and sometimes crying. Nothing ever fit that I tried on. If I was being honest with myself, sometimes I would try on things that were a size too small because I simply could not accept that I had gained more weight and some things just looked terrible on me when they did fit. I was ashamed to be shopping in stores like Torrid and Lane Bryant and feeling the eyes of passerbys watching me go in or out and was embarrassed to even carry the shopping bag around with me after a rare purchase. I wouldn't go clothes shopping for myself unless I brought another big-boned friend with me. I hated to drag my skinny friends into a "Fat Store".
Companies design clothes for bigger women with either large stomachs or large chests. I have neither really, so trying on shirts was always a big frustration. If I don't fit into the clothes in regular stores, and the clothes in the "Fat Store" don't fit me right, how am I supposed to cover and hide my body attractively? Well...I didn't really.
After losing 35 lbs, I realize how significant a loss it is. Not only am I proud to put on clothes that are two-three sizes smaller than I'm used to, but I'm finding that I have more choices. I'm getting bolder in my fashion choices too because I'm not as afraid to draw attention to myself. This evening I bought a teal dress that I will wear with purple pumps and other purple accessories (clutch, earrings, bangle, etc.). At my heaviest of 240 lbs, I never would have felt comfortable wearing such bold colors and making a fashion statement with these contrasting colors. My entire wardrobe, up until a few months ago, was all black. "Black is slimming."
With this transformation, not only am I regaining confidence to express my playful personality with things like purple high heels, but I'm gaining color in my life. When I wear colors, I feel better. I feel more alive. When I wear black, I feel more serious and find that I'm almost mopey all day. Black can be a power color, but not when you wear it daily. It's just something I never thought about changing with this lifestyle alteration I'm making. It just kind of happened.
It feels good not to live in black and white anymore :)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
My Journey: From Fat To Fit
After subscribing to several blogs of others who inspire me, fitness-ly speaking, I decided maybe I should be keeping a blog of my journey on the road from being overweight to living an athletic lifestyle. Yknow, a blog dedicated to my glories as well as my frustrations along this journey that is going to take a while.
In all fairness, I'm cheating. I've already lost about 35 lbs. But I'm confident that I can back-log some of my experiences and continue on from this point. I'm doing this blog not only for myself, but for anyone who may need a little extra motivation. This is a blog to say "Hey. I'm human. I struggle too. Let me tell you how I'm dealing while you work too."
I hope to look back on this and see how far I've come so that I always have a reason, even on a bad day, to be proud of myself. Because this weight loss isn't about looking great naked (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a motivator)...it's about confidence. It's about doing all the things I ever wanted to do and finally taking care of my body the way I should have started years ago.
Project 23 is what I call this process of self-reformation. Whenever someone used to ask me "What do you think the perfect age is?" I would always answer 23. It's just enough older than 21 to be considered a legal adult but it's still not your mid-twenties and you're limited by not being able to rent cars without an astronomical price rate. It just seemed perfect to me. So when I turned 23 on Oct 13th 2008, I vowed that my 23rd year would be my best. I vowed that I would do everything I could to get in shape and become a happier person. So here I am!
Important characters you'll meet along the way:
Shane - my personal trainer who I picked up in April 2009. He looks like Channing Tatum and makes me laugh.
Kathryn - my new roommate who's training for a half-Iron Man at the moment. Whoa.
Tara Costa - my idol from season 7 of the Biggest Loser. It's the first season I watched and I want to be friends with her in real life. She's a huge inspiration.
Ashley - a great friend who's kinda doing the same for herself while she lives in Holland with her husband. We keep each other in check via AIM and facebook.
I'm signing off my first blog with one of Tara's (and now my) favorite inspirational quote...
"They never said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it."
In all fairness, I'm cheating. I've already lost about 35 lbs. But I'm confident that I can back-log some of my experiences and continue on from this point. I'm doing this blog not only for myself, but for anyone who may need a little extra motivation. This is a blog to say "Hey. I'm human. I struggle too. Let me tell you how I'm dealing while you work too."
I hope to look back on this and see how far I've come so that I always have a reason, even on a bad day, to be proud of myself. Because this weight loss isn't about looking great naked (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a motivator)...it's about confidence. It's about doing all the things I ever wanted to do and finally taking care of my body the way I should have started years ago.
Project 23 is what I call this process of self-reformation. Whenever someone used to ask me "What do you think the perfect age is?" I would always answer 23. It's just enough older than 21 to be considered a legal adult but it's still not your mid-twenties and you're limited by not being able to rent cars without an astronomical price rate. It just seemed perfect to me. So when I turned 23 on Oct 13th 2008, I vowed that my 23rd year would be my best. I vowed that I would do everything I could to get in shape and become a happier person. So here I am!
Important characters you'll meet along the way:
Shane - my personal trainer who I picked up in April 2009. He looks like Channing Tatum and makes me laugh.
Kathryn - my new roommate who's training for a half-Iron Man at the moment. Whoa.
Tara Costa - my idol from season 7 of the Biggest Loser. It's the first season I watched and I want to be friends with her in real life. She's a huge inspiration.
Ashley - a great friend who's kinda doing the same for herself while she lives in Holland with her husband. We keep each other in check via AIM and facebook.
I'm signing off my first blog with one of Tara's (and now my) favorite inspirational quote...
"They never said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it."
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