No excuses, just results

Let's face it. I screwed up. Big time. I spent way too long figuring ways to justify my behavior of eating crap and not going to the gym. Upon talking to Shane at the gym, he said "Aren't you tired of saying 'I'm back on the wagon now'?" To which I said "yes. Of course. It's embarassing." And he says back "Well then stop looking for motivation. Stop trying to find a crutch or something to fuel you and just DO it. Let the embarassment factor motivate you." And he's right. It was kinda harsh, but definitely necessary.

Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE being bad at things. I hate failing and I hate being told I can't do something. Even Shane knows this and he constantly uses it in my sessions to make me push a little harder. I'll be in the middle of a plank, shaking from the tension, and he'll just stare at the clock, counting the seconds saying "Don't fail, Gina. Don't fail" because he knows thats what works for me.

I am embarassed by my behavior. Where did New Gina go? She disappeared for nearly two months. And that's just not okay. Ever since Shane said that to me, I've been good. REALLY good. I haven't been counting calories but I know i've been eating right and I've hit the gym three days in a row. Hard. I just don't have a choice. I can't go back to the old Gina.

Through this whole period of slacking I've managed to keep within the 187-192 pound range. Even after days of eating pizza AND chinese food or pasta and burgers. Shane says "Well its not necessarily the FAT from all the shit you've been eating, but its probably all water weight that you're retaining". And I suppose he's right, because the past two days I've been good and i'm still in that range. We'll see what the coming week brings.

I don't know if he did it on purpose, but Shane showed me that he lost faith in me. It was bad that I lost faith in myself, but when my trainer lost faith in me that's just too much for me to handle. This is a guy I've been trying to prove I'm not just another weak female client who has a trainer for the sake of saying she has one. I pay for his sessions because I want them to work. ANd now for two months I've been wasting my money, going through the motions, paying lip service to the Fitness Gods. No more. I know I've said it a million times. But he's right. I don't have a choice. NO MORE.

I didn't get to run Cupid's Chase. I stopped training for it when Cassie said she hurt her knee, and when she told me she registered, I didn't get a chance to sign myself up until the registration date was closed. I could've SWORN it was open until midnight the night before the race, but apparently I was wrong and it closed two days beforehand. So now I feel like a schmuck b/c I got myself all psyched for a race I didn't even get the chance to run.

I'm going to finish this. I don't care how. I don't care what I have to sacrifice. I want to be proud of my body. I want to push it to its limits and try new things with it. I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE. "Act the way you want to be, and soon you'll be the way you act"