Project 23

Day 2 of Rehab

2011-06-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

I did well yesterday. I ate well and did weights at the gym (which I HATE doing) and then added on another 30 min of cardio. Today I will do legs and another 30 min of cardio. I stocked up on some fruit last night since I was almost completely out and I'm prepared for snacking with dried figs, pears and unsalted almonds. The chili I had in the crockpot during the day yesterday is high in sodium, but otherwise quite healthy. And it's delicious. So I will partake of that for approximately 8 meals. I also concocted a sort of chicken, turkey bacon, cheese pita that I have for lunch today. It's also stuffed with red onions and lettuce and I have broccoli for a side.

Last night I had 5 pieces of salt water taffy as a dessert. I did indulge in 5 more. Which was a little overdone. Yet, b/c of my efforts throughout the day, I still managed to lose exactly 1 lb since yesterday. Water weight, I'm sure. But its obvious that little things will add up quickly. And by the time the water weight comes off and I'm just losing fat like normal, I'll have the gym be a habit again.

See? I can do this. Just one step at a time.

I'm also donating blood tonight. For the third time since December. I highly recommend it. It's a good way to do something selfless without even really trying. Plus you get free juice or cookies after. That can be my dessert tonight :)

It's All Your Fault

2011-06-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Every. Time. I manage to convince myself that THIS is my turn-around point to continue my weight-loss and "get back on the wagon" (Dear lord I'm sick of hearing myself say it, so I know you must be), and every time I manage to blow it. I need a new approach dammit.

I can blame my boyfriend. I can blame my family. I can blame the summer. I can point fingers at anyone for why I've been eating crap and not exercising. There's always another place to be or a person to go out with but the fact of the matter is that I can make the choice to suggest a more active activity or to make healthier choices off a restaurant menu. They may not be exciting. They may not be that delicious and juicy burger. But feeling good is so much better than the temporary taste in my mouth. The taste will fade and my guilt will emerge. Especially when it comes time to step on the scale the next morning. It's just not worth it. Yet here I am....for the 230948203948th time...trying to start over.

The only thing I can do is try. I can post pictures of bikinis on my fridge all I want but they're going to do me no good at work when Paul brings in those communal hostess treats for the kitchen. All the emergency almonds & cashews in my desk are for naught if I go home and let myself just eat whatever I can find because I'm hungry then and too lazy to cook something better for myself first. It's sad because there are quite a few times when I just eat way too much of something instead of eating a moderate amount of something unhealthy. I don't keep fried foods or junk of any kind in my apartment. On purpose. I don't keep ice cream, chips, cookies or any other such temptations. Sometimes I'll make sweet potato fries by cutting them up and baking them myself. Or I'll make some sugar-free jello or pudding. And sometimes I keep kettle corn in the house. But it's like I get home and someone flips a switch and my need to consume anything and everything is inconsolable.

I'll make a confession. A week ago I bought a gallon of that new red velvet Blue Bunny ice cream for my bf b/c he loves ice cream and it was on sale. He has portion control issues too so I spooned him out some one night as a surprise and he ate it graciously. Over the course of the next two days, I finished the gallon of ice cream. I FINISHED 2/3 OF A GALLON OF ICE CREAM IN TWO DAYS. When I'm feeling good and happy and I'm eating b/c I'm hungry and not to get a fix, I actually don't need that much to be full. Yet it is absolutely disgusting how much I can consume when I'm feeling manic and out of control. I believe one of those evenings not only did I eat a good portion of that ice cream but I had two bagels, three bowls of frosted mini wheats and leftover pasta with meatsauce I made. It was within a relatively short period of time and I wound up passing out in a food coma at 8 pm that night.

Un. Acceptable.

I have to focus. That is key. At work I feel completely confident in my efforts. I know that my self control is usually slightly more under control if I hit the gym after work. So I really need to make an effort to get there no matter what just to help my chances once I walk in that door. Sometimes I think that living by myself is the reason I gained 20 of those 50 lbs lost back. I have no fear of someone catching my binge or someone noticing that a large portion of something disappeared quickly. Again...my own fault. Just because I'm eating alone and no one else knows what I'm consuming (and how ungodly much) doesn't mean that my body doesn't know. It reminds me of an episode of The Nanny where Fran Drescher grabs two slices of pizza but places one on top of the other and eats them as if it were one. She states "I'm only going to have one slice" but Maggie points out that she's holding two. Fran says "Oh no sweetie...it's okay. The body doesn't know." The audience interjects laughter. I shake my head. The body knows.

Just for today.....I can do this.

If only a cupcake a day could keep the doctor at bay

2011-02-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

Supposedly your body craves things it needs. This is why we often crave sweet and salty junk food. Because our bodies are starting to detox from the last time we binged on sweet and salty snacks and we're about do for another fix. Typically you can trick a craving with something similar. People spend years trying to find recipes for healthy versions of items that we so typically crave. Apparently, there's no tricking this craving I have for cupcakes.

A few weeks ago I learned that the House of Cupcakes in Princeton was going to be on the Food Channel show "Cupcake Wars". I love this show. So much in fact, that I flip-flopped between it and my OTHER favorite show just to watch this particular episode. Usually I'll just watch the re-runs as they appear later. Ever since I learned this, I have not been able to get cupcakes off my mind. I've tried eating dark chocolate. I've tried eating ice cream. It doesn't help. Maybe it satisfies me for a short while but the fact of the matter is that if it worked I would not still be thinking about cupcakes two weeks later! I've literally been researching cupcake bakeries in my area just to get one decent one to fill the need. I'd go to a grocery store except they sell them in packs of 6 and - quite frankly - I don't trust myself alone with 6 cupcakes. Because then there will be 0 cupcakes left.

What I need is to detox this crap out of my system. Remember when I was on keto and I was craving all the healthy things that I just wasn't allowed to have (e.g. fruit, oatmeal and anything BUT eggs)? Maybe that's what i have to do. Maybe I won't go on the keto diet again but perhaps just a good ole fashioned nothing-but-fruits-and-veggies binge. I'll be able to start next month when my budget rolls over and I have some grocery money again. Maybe just a solid week of fruits, vegetables, herbal teas and laxatives. That might do the trick.

P.S. I got that job interview! So if I get a new job, maybe I'll have a heftier grocery budget to work with again like I did when I first started losing weight. Having the money to buy said groceries certainly makes a difference.

Pots of Gold

2011-02-22T08:09:00.000-08:00

When you have an unhealthy relationship with food and have to start making lifestyle changes with your eating habits, it can be difficult to think of rewards that don't involve indulgence of the edible kind. Yesterday, as I had the day off of work for President's Day, I went to go walk around the mall and Barnes & Noble for a while. As I did this, I relatively easy thought up some non-food goal rewards for myself. I have given myself some very exciting pots of gold at the end of little rainbows.

10 lb loss: Two books I've been dying to get - "Commencement" by Sullivan and "My Fair Lazy" by Jen Lancaster

20 lb loss: A trip to the makeup counter at Macys to experiment with (and buy!) bold red lipstick and a pedicure.

30 lb loss: A coach envelope wallet that I've been dying for. I'm not a coach fan but I need a new wallet and I really like their new pink/tan slim wallets. I just hope they're still available when this time comes! They sell out so fast!

Ultimate goal: A "tiffany key" necklace. It doesn't actually have to be from Tiffany's, but I've been dying for a key necklace with the heart shape incorporated in it.

I thought I did relatively well this weekend between walking around town and the malls and I went out to dinner one night and had a burger and onion rings but other than that my eating habits have been in check. Well, I'm up two lbs again from the last time I weighed myself. I know they say that you have to be careful on weekends because your routine is broken, but this just seems futile if I'm not more careful. I don't want to undo everything my week has accomplished in just a weekend. I really have to make more of an effort.

I've also decided to pack a gym bag and have it ready in my car to hit the gym straight after work. I haven't done this since I left Princeton. I'm really not sure why I ever stopped, to be honest, except that the gym I attend is different now. It really is an effective way to make sure I do what I have to do. Once I get in my apartment for the night after work, it's difficult to motivate myself to leave again and the pavlovian response is to get hungry. Since I slept in this morning instead, it's time to make good post-work habits.

Some potentially good news: I have to call a lead on a job today for a midtown Manhattan secretary/office manager position. They asked me to call them on Tuesday or Wednesday during office hours to discuss the position after receiving my resume last week. Here's hoping they ask me for an interview!

Sorry for the random post. Coffee hasn't quite made my brain work yet. It's making my body awake, but not my mind.

A little of column A...

2011-02-18T07:57:00.000-08:00

This girl I knew from high school (and thanks to Facebook, have current random contact with), Janice, has started a new blog. She's only made a few posts but I'm already loving what she has to say. Not just because of the delivery- though the homage to Jen Lancaster makes my heart happy - but because she already displays plenty of things that go through my head. The frustration of clothes being too big when you're too poor to replace them. The envy of going out in public and seeing a skinny girl and immediately retracting into your shell or overcompensating with personality. The endless pondering of what you're doing wrong and why you can't just fix what's "broken" when you know the problem. Losing weight is like untangling a necklace that's been stuck in a jewelry box. It was so damn easy for that thing to get tangled up just sitting there yet untangling it seems like an impossible endeavor that requires forceps and expletives. Packing on the pounds is simple. Losing them is hell.

I think the problem comes down to the contradictory resources there are for losing weight. It's a several billion dollar industry advertising quick fixes. And even those that claim they're the best way to lose weight and keep it off the healthy way (Yeah, I'm looking at you Weight Watchers!) doesn't mean its the best bet for YOU. Every body is different. Women. Men. Short. Stout. Tall. Lean. Thick. Petite. How can you possibly expect Person A to lose weight on the same plan as Person B? Janice and I, though fighting the same struggle, would never be able to lose weight the same way. Yes maybe we could enjoy the same activities and eat the same foods to lose calories but in the end when its time to reach goal we will drastically have to alter our styles in order to succeed.

And so this is the fight we have. Plan Surefire has already turned out to be a waste. Gym Guarantee has stolen your money with no results. We attempt to lose our weight with a certain exercise/food plan and the plan has failed us. We reject it as bogus. Yet the twist is that we blame ourselves for the failure. It is not our fault that eating bell peppers for every meal didn't work for us. It is not our fault that yoga is the most boring activity known to man and the thought of going is less appealing than bamboo under your fingernails.

I'm speaking in generalities. I should say this for myself: If a plan doesn't work, I will try something else. I will not blame myself for a failure. This multi-billion dollar industry has enough options to make a Chinese Buffet jealous. SOMETHING will work for me and make me happy. I just have to find it.

Experimenting

2011-02-17T11:34:00.000-08:00

I'm having trouble getting used to a routine in my new apt. I say "new" but the truth is I've been here for 9 months and I should have some form of routine by now. But considering my jobs have changed and my commutes have changed and my boyfriends have changed, it still all feels so new. I realized yesterday that getting to the gym after work when I work 10-6 and have a 2-2:30 pm lunch break, feels hard. I feel like getting to the gym before work shouldn't be hard when it only takes 15-20 min to get there.

I think I'm going to have to experiment for what works best for me. Perhaps I should have a cup of coffee around 4:30 to give myself a rousing bout of energy for when I leave work. Perhaps I should make sure to go right to the gym after work with a prepared gym bag. Perhaps I should force myself to get up before work with moving my alarm clock across the room. All options I'll have to try out to find out what works best. I know once the weather gets nicer I'll be quite happy to go for a run after work. I can feel myself now wanting to go for a run even though my endurance is shot. But it's just too cold and I still don't trust the sidewalks.

I'll get this. I just still have to toy with things. For now the eating is good and I'm starting to experiment with recipes for lentils and bulgur. Both of which are low-cal but EXTREMELY good for you: high in fiber, protein and other nutrients. A lot of bang for my calorie buck. And since I already have them, they save me money too.

Huge Help

2011-02-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

I have blogged before about how I like the IDEA of a fitness buddy but in execution it's a possibility to alter your pace to over or underextend myself. But this plan with Johanna is turning out to be an insanely good idea.

Last night I binged. I'll admit it. I was feeling grumpy and tired and I DESTROYED my body in less than 3 hours. I got home at 6:30 and was in bed by 9:30. The last thing I wanted to do was to get up early this morning, whether I had enough sleep in me or not. I was ashamed and wanted to hide in my bed. However, this morning was a scheduled gym morning and Johanna was due to call me at 6:30 to make sure I was up and at 'em. I planned on turning off my phone and pretending it died. That's how badly I didn't want to go. Then I got up and weighed myself. It very accurately reflected the fact that I've done nothing but eat for the past four days. Between family dinner and Valentines dinners (yes, two. He took me out for one, I cooked him another), and last night's emotional episode, I had put myself up another 2 lbs from the normal wavering range. I was awake and dressed with my shoes laced up by the time she called to check on me. If it weren't for the fact taht I knew her phone call was coming, I never would've even gotten up to weigh myself and therefore forced my way to the gym. I didn't do anything crazy but I got there and did 45 min of cardio. That's more than nothing.

As we were emailing each other at work about our morning workouts, we discussed that right now we should be working on small goals since this on top of our chaotic lives can seem daunting. My small goals should be getting to the gym 3-4 times a week just to get back into the routine. Don't worry about what I'm doing...just work on getting the routine back. I should also focus on 15 min of GMAT study a day. Again, to get into the habit of it. Over time both of these things will become more frequent and endure longer. A diet shouldn't be seen as a diet but a balance intake of food including things I like. Deprivation is not the way to go. This is about changing my life and how I see food. I don't want to have such an unhealthy relationship with my kitchen any longer.

So that's what I'm working on this week. Just doing little things for today. Tomorrow's another day. But just for today? This is my focus.

A plan within a plan

2011-02-10T13:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know why we didn't think of this before!!!!! Johanna and I decided we're going to keep each other in check. We live far apart and we don't work together anymore but we decided we're going to call each other before work to make sure the other is headed to the gym and/or going for a run. We worked together for 3 years and yet somehow we didn't manage to come up with this idea. She gets up to hit the gym before work at 6:30. While that's hours before I actually need to get up for work, it'll be good to get some leverage out of my mornings. I prefer to get things done early and when I get to work I'm alert and ready to face the day.

She has two jobs so when she gets her second job schedule we're going to set up a schedule of who calls who on which mornings and what days we will go. Weekends we're on our own. And it has to be a phone call to check in not a text message b/c texts are easier to ignore and fall back asleep. We've vowed to do a 5k together in April and we have our sights set on a 10k in June and our thoughts are looking toward a half marathon in October! We can totally do this.

What's good about this is that I'm accountable to someone without having to work at her pace. I don't have to worry about going to the gym for the same length of time or working on a machine next to her. We just have to make sure we go and do what we need to do. That's so much better to me. I'm sure since she's lighter she's going to be a lot faster than me so when we do the races themselves she'll probably take off ahead of me but again...I'm built for comfort. Not speed. I'm okay with this. I just want to finish it. I just want to accomplish it. I want my confidence back!

On the road again

2011-02-10T07:54:00.000-08:00

To say that "a lot has changed" since my last post would be the understatement of my weight loss journey. Since May 2010, 9 months ago, I moved to north jersey. I was commuting to Princeton from north Jersey (an hour and a half each way in traffic) for five months before I finally quit and went to retail full time. I quit retail after a month and started a temp project through an agency. I've had two new boyfriends and am now currently with the newest one (and plan on that for a long time). I've also decided to go back to grad school for an MBA and have completed the applications except for the GMAT test. I took an online math course through a county college to brush up on math for the test. I could give you all the excuses why I haven't made my exercise a priority but it all comes back to the same end result: I've gained back weight, I've lost a lot of muscle and tone, and I slipped into a depression that leaves me low energy and low determination. I literally have back pain and muscle atrophy from my lack of activity. My job consists of being chained to a desk all day with only a 30 min lunch break and my evenings consist of watching crappy TV while I mindlessly stuff my face with anything that will pacify the unsatiated apetite I've developed from a lack of happiness. I set my alarm to get up earlier before work but I wind up snoozing for 30-90 minutes because the idea of getting out of bed is just unbearable.

I miss my friends. They all live so far away now. I want a job I don't dread going to. It's all just piled up on me. The one thing I am truly happy with, my boyfriend Mitch, should not have to pick up the pieces of my emotional sanity as often as he does. He's fantastic about dealing with me when I go into a sad fit but it's not fair to do that to him at the frequency it's happening right now. I want to run the MadDash 5k again this year. I want to run the JFK Runway 5k again. I want to run my half marathon. I want to reach my ultimate goal and keep it. I don't want to pacify my emotions with sloth and glutton anymore.

During my many attempts before, I've always had this overzealous game plan about how to get back into this. But I think this time just making baby steps may be the best choice. I haven't been eating junk necessarily. Just too much of even healthy stuff. So the first steps will be to stop the binging episodes and make a true and honest effort to be active everyday. It doesn't have to be 90 minutes at the gym of hardcore cardio but 3-4 gym trips and either a walk around town or walking around the mall (if its cold) or just something to be on my feet and not sitting on my butt. That's not too hard. It's not completely revamping my life and it's not completely revamping my fridge/pantry contents. Just be mindful of what I'm putting in my body and make it move more. I've even started making an effort to pace at my desk every few hours just to get on my feet.

If you're reading this, I need your help. I can't do this alone. I want to, but I need the support. The reason I was able to succeed before is because I was too busy to hang out with anyone or see anyone. I worked and I worked out and I had no distractions. But now that I have time to see people again with only one job going, I need your support to hang out in places that aren't just restaurants. Since winter is technically winding down, maybe we can do outdoor activities. Let's make an effort to be more active. It's good for everyone involved.

The Game Plan

2010-05-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

The last day and a half have been a blur of hormonally-charged bad health decisions. But alas, I am under control again. I weighed in at over 200.2 today. NOT! OKAY! That is a huge wake-up call already. Yes maybe I'm gaining some muscle from the running, but there's no way its that much. I'm obviously screwing up the eating habits.

Since I've decided to make running a regular part of my schedule and get training for that half-marathon in October, I have decided to attack my fitness as follows:

Mon & Wed: Run before work, walk during lunch, low-intensity cardio after work
Tuesdays: Weights before work, walk during lunch, low-intensity cardio after work, Biggest Loser
Thursdays: Low-intensity cardio before work, walk during lunch, more LIC after work plus a training session
Fridays: Run before work, low-intensity cardio after work (Fris will be done work at noon!) or some active/outdoor activity!
Saturdays: Low-intensity cardio or active/outdoor activity
Sundays: "Rest" day which will still include at least a walk around in the sun or shopping/errands if raining

If I'm on a schedule, I can manage this fine. All lunch-time walks are weather pending but the goal is to do them at least 3 times a week. Obviously if there's a whole week of rain I won't be going for a walk so I'll do what I can before and after work. However I don't mind running in the rain before work. And once my training sessions are done (i only have a few left on my contract) then I'll do weights before work like Tuesdays.

This is manageable. It's a lot but it'll kickstart me back into the habit. I don't think I'll burn out from it. Not to mention there are days that I wont' be able to do my low-intensity cardio after work because I'll have the second job in the evening but with a schedule like this, a night job thrown in isn't going to hinder my progress too greatly. And of course coupled with better eating habits I'll be good to go.

MADdash 5k

2010-05-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today I ran my second 5k. But funny enough, it feels like my first. Because I actually ran the WHOLE thing this time!!!

My goal was to either get a better time than I did on my first 5k at JFK, or to run the whole thing since I didn't last time. I realize that because you lose steam that I'd probably have a longer time but if I ran the whole thing it's a whole new sense of accomplishment. AND I DID IT!!!! I ran the whole 3.1 miles of the MADdash 5k!!!

I started off the race prepared to pace myself better than I did last time. Last time I didn't pay attention to my stride and pace that I set from the starting line. But I wanted to have more stamina this time so I paid close attention. And yknow what? It paid off! Because last time, after mile 1 I HAD to stop. I was so beat already. This time, even in 90 degree weather, I felt great at the first mile marker. The course was a little stranger. We ran through the streets of a corporate park and the starting line was where the finish line was. So you basically wind up running 1.5 miles out, turning around at a median and coming back the direction you came from on the opposite side of traffic. I saw where the second mile marker was across the street and thought to myself "Okay. I can manage this!" The stretch of road down to the turnaround point just kept going and going and going. Finally I saw the turnaround point and was like "okay. I can do this." At mile marker two I still felt pretty good. The sun was really beating down adn there was less shade on this side of the street so I was really finally starting to feel the effects of the heat. But I just kept going. I kept telling myself "C'mon. Just push a little farther." For the most part I just tried to zone out and stop thinking about the fact that I was running so I wouldn't psyche myself out. Then, just as I thought I was getting too tired and would have to walk soon, I recognized the turn in the road that meant we were close to the end. And I thought "Oh my god. I could do this! I could run the whole thing!" And so I went a little farther and then turned the last corner and all of a sudden I saw the flag hanging. "Just a little farther." I really thought I was going to have to walk soon. It was so hot. The shade wasn't doing anything to help. And then I saw it....the big red flag reading "FINISH". I couldn't actually see the line across the street, but I saw the flag. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!" I literally said it out loud to myself. I passed by some old high school friends manning the fire truck as I neared the end and one of them got a picture of me on his Droid. I'm wearing a pink shirt with a face to match at this point! I wanted to really bring it home and run as hard as I could for the last leg of the race, but I just couldn't push myself any harder apparently. But I did it! I finished! And I ran the whole thing!

I wound up doing 35 minutes and 17 seconds. It's exactly 1 minute and 12 seconds slower than my original 5k time. But you know what? I'm prouder of this 5k than I am of the first one. The first one I was so ashamed of myself for needing to walk, especially so early on. Today was the first day I really felt like I could be a runner. I know I'll never be faster, but I have the endurance to at least finish the race. And I couldn't be more prouder of myself for it. I couldn't stop smiling.

A few days ago I decided I wanted to run a half marathon for my birthday. And now? I feel like that's a very attainable goal. :)

My first 5k

2010-04-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

A while ago I knew I wanted to train for the memorial 5k for Maddy. It seemed like it was forever away and that I had tons of time to train. Well....the time quickly approached. And as the months went by that I did nothing but maintain (and if I'm honest with myself, turned from a lean 190 into a flabby 190) I realized how little time I had to be a runner.

Tara Costa advertised a really cool 5k on her Facebook fan page called the JFK Runway Race. You run a 5k ON the JFK airport runway! How cool is that?! She was going to run the race too, and I convinced my high school friend, Cassie, to join me since she's a big Tara fan too. There were promises of Tara signings and photos, goodie bags, and an amazing experience. Queens, NY by 7 am or not...I was going!

The day before the race, the course had to be changed. We were no longer going to be running ON the runway. I'm still not sure why. So we wound up running the outside roads leading into the terminal. It was still an experience for me since it was my first race, but a lot of people were annoyed at the last minute change. Since speed is not my forte with running, my goal was to not walk. That plan was soon foiled after only mile 1. I don't know if it's because I was not used to running outside or if I got caught up in other people's pace, but I was already in terrible pain once I hit the one-mile marker. They greeted everyone at 1 mile with cups of water that you just ran by to grab and I tried jogging while sipping but that just didn't work. I figured it would be an excuse to walk for a second. The whole time, Cassie and her friend and I all kept a similar pace. We promised not to stay at each other's pace if the other wanted to go ahead. But ultimately, we were all pretty much at the same speed (Cassie's friend a little faster than us). Jarrett, Cassie's fiance, is a lot faster than all of us so he started the race out front and finished in nearly half the time that we did! The rest of us girls would run, walk, and then the other would catch up to whoever was in front, we'd walk together for a bit and then started jogging together again. I think we only finished about 30 seconds apart. For my first 5k I clocked in after 3.1 miles at 34 minutes and 5 seconds. Definitely not a good time, but considering that was my first time out and I walked a good portion? I'd say that's actually pretty good. And it's also a pretty good indication that I was just caught up in someone else's speed instead of my own. At my own pace on a treadmill I typically do a 5k in just under 40 minutes without walking.

After the walk you immediately get a bottle of water and get in line to collect your goody bag. It was a tote from the Rotary Club sponsoring the event with some flyers for other events inside, a few mini candies, a pen shaped like an airplane, and a few other trinkets I can't recall. Immediately after this station was a place to pick up your race tshirt, a bagel and a banana. They didn't seem to be the most organized in their distribution, but I guess with over 1,000 participants they were doing the best they could. So we lingered for a bit and then got in line to meet Tara. This time it was very anticlimactic for me. I don't know if it's because I met her already or because I was tired from the race. But it was nice to see her again. I still wanna be her real-life friend!

It was a long commute but very worth it. That experience was a wake-up call that it doesn't matter how much weight I've lost already, I still have a long way to go. I'm 50 lbs down but I still couldn't run a full 5k without some difficulty. I've been running before work this week to gear up for the MADdash5k tomorrow and I still don't know if I'm going to make a better time my goal, or not to walk at all my goal. All I know is that there will be pictures and I will be scrapbooking all my racing bibs, times and info.

Here are some pictures from the race:

Failure is not an option

2010-04-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Five months. Five months is about how long I've wasted. For some reason, having a boyfriend made me completely lose sight of myself and all the things I wanted. I fell into a depression and a rut that I could not fight my way out of. Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying it's his fault. It's completely my own. I let things get out of control and I didn't time manage well enough to do everything I needed to do for myself. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to be dating while I'm still working on myself. Either way...I failed to hold onto what was making me happy.

My last few posts have been few and far between and all saying the same thing. "Back on the wagon, back on the wagon." Same tune, different words. I felt myself self destructing at the drop of a hat and I reached another breaking point. And it's not the same as the past "I'll do better" half-assed attempts have been. This feels true. I know this is real because I've set new goals for myself and my eating habits are better without me dreading what I'll do without proper preparation. I feel ready. I don't know why I had to start all over, but I feel ready again. That wasn't true before.

My mental state was a lot of the reason I couldn't pull out of the rut. I'm only two days out of this rut, but it's enough to know its real. A lot has happened since my last post. And I'd like to post each thing separately so that I can blog daily again. But this feels legit. And this feels right. I want to finish what I started.

Project 23 continues...

No excuses, just results

2010-02-13T14:29:00.001-08:00

Let's face it. I screwed up. Big time. I spent way too long figuring ways to justify my behavior of eating crap and not going to the gym. Upon talking to Shane at the gym, he said "Aren't you tired of saying 'I'm back on the wagon now'?" To which I said "yes. Of course. It's embarassing." And he says back "Well then stop looking for motivation. Stop trying to find a crutch or something to fuel you and just DO it. Let the embarassment factor motivate you." And he's right. It was kinda harsh, but definitely necessary.

Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE being bad at things. I hate failing and I hate being told I can't do something. Even Shane knows this and he constantly uses it in my sessions to make me push a little harder. I'll be in the middle of a plank, shaking from the tension, and he'll just stare at the clock, counting the seconds saying "Don't fail, Gina. Don't fail" because he knows thats what works for me.

I am embarassed by my behavior. Where did New Gina go? She disappeared for nearly two months. And that's just not okay. Ever since Shane said that to me, I've been good. REALLY good. I haven't been counting calories but I know i've been eating right and I've hit the gym three days in a row. Hard. I just don't have a choice. I can't go back to the old Gina.

Through this whole period of slacking I've managed to keep within the 187-192 pound range. Even after days of eating pizza AND chinese food or pasta and burgers. Shane says "Well its not necessarily the FAT from all the shit you've been eating, but its probably all water weight that you're retaining". And I suppose he's right, because the past two days I've been good and i'm still in that range. We'll see what the coming week brings.

I don't know if he did it on purpose, but Shane showed me that he lost faith in me. It was bad that I lost faith in myself, but when my trainer lost faith in me that's just too much for me to handle. This is a guy I've been trying to prove I'm not just another weak female client who has a trainer for the sake of saying she has one. I pay for his sessions because I want them to work. ANd now for two months I've been wasting my money, going through the motions, paying lip service to the Fitness Gods. No more. I know I've said it a million times. But he's right. I don't have a choice. NO MORE.

I didn't get to run Cupid's Chase. I stopped training for it when Cassie said she hurt her knee, and when she told me she registered, I didn't get a chance to sign myself up until the registration date was closed. I could've SWORN it was open until midnight the night before the race, but apparently I was wrong and it closed two days beforehand. So now I feel like a schmuck b/c I got myself all psyched for a race I didn't even get the chance to run.

I'm going to finish this. I don't care how. I don't care what I have to sacrifice. I want to be proud of my body. I want to push it to its limits and try new things with it. I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE. "Act the way you want to be, and soon you'll be the way you act"

Just keep swimming...

2010-01-15T18:53:00.000-08:00

I know I'm back on track when I gauge my feelings on a "bad day". Today I didn't have a chance to hit the gym because I had work 8:30-5:00 and then Job #2 from 6:30 til ? (I'm still at work so lord knows when I'll leave...) I was in a rough mood earlier today and didn't eat as well as I should have. However, since I'm aiming for 1,300 calories a day, i've really only logged about 1,600 calories today eating a little more carbs than I'm supposed to. And instead of being really down on myself and feeling ridiculously guilty about it, I feel okay. "Eh tomorrow I'll eat fine again and I'll hit the gym hard in the morning" is my attitude. I'm almost impressed with myself how well I'm handling it. So because I'm not freaking out, I know i'm ready for the last 40.

I've been weighing myself everyday which is a TERRIBLE habit. But i've been closely monitoring my progress while I wear off the holiday weight. Before I fell hard off the wagon, the lowest I made it was 186.8 lbs. And now I'm back around 187 even. I've been anxiously awaiting to see the scale reach 186.8 or lower so that I'm officially back on my losing streak. Once I hit that, I know I can go back to weighing myself once (okay, maybe twice) a week and being very anxious to see the results. Saturday mornings would be my official weigh in day both for myself and with the trainer who also does my measurements.

So far, with trying out these new recipes, they've been a huge success. I LOVE the turkey taco meatloaf (ground turkey meat with corn, green peppers, onions, taco seasoning, fat free cheddar and salsa in a loaf pan) and i'm growing accustomed to edamame. Fancy Schmancy Oatmeal (oatmeal with canned pumpkin, cinnamon and sugar-free maple syrup) is an amazing addition to my morning and I find that eating 1,300 calories a day with these new recipe ideas is easy without feeling hungry. I've also rekindled my love affair with nonfat yogurt.

The gym is going great. I'm still training for my Cupid's Chase, so yesterday I ran 2 miles. I set the treadmill for 5.6 and just go. I didn't think I'd make it yesterday. But I did. And for that I'm proud. I'll run 2 miles again one more time on Sunday and then after that I'll jump up to running 2.5 miles. The hard part will be bringing the running outside. I think starting February 1st i'll move to outside running. Maybe now that Kathryn is back up with a healed foot we can go running together. Though I'm sure even after 8 weeks of non-use she's still faster than me lol

Losing the holiday weight +

2010-01-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm so proud of myself. These last couple of days I've been toying with the idea of going back on the keto diet. After going over the pros and cons of going back on keto or just sucking it up and learning to eat right now, I realized that it really is more beneficial to me to just start the healthy eating. Keto is not good to be on for an extended period of time and I was miserable while on it for the duration. I bought myself a few cookbooks and received a Biggest Loser: Simple Swaps book for my birthday so I figured this was the perfect time to put them to good use. I sat down and picked out all the recipes I liked and listed their calorie counts and separated them to lunch or dinner options.

The cool thing about this is that it's actually working quite well! I try to keep the complex carbs to a minimum for dinner, but breakfast and lunch are filled with whole grains, fruit, yogurt, nuts and such. I made a turkey taco meatloaf the other day taht has been serving me well for days now because it was a 6-serving recipe. It is FANTASTIC!! It's ground turkey meatloaf with corn, green peppers, onions, taco seasoning, fat free cheddar cheese and salsa. And - get this - ONLY 127 CALORIES A SERVING! So I have been eating that with asparagus at night. It's packed with protein and healthy, water-filled carbs from the veggies. Tonight I want to make some pumpkin walnut snack muffins that are only 72 calories a serving and packed with more yogurt adn whole grains. It'll be a great combination with something protein heavy.

I'm just so proud of myself for finally getting this right. This is so easy as long as I have the time to actually cook. I've been so afraid of being able to eat anything I want and making the right choices, but with these cookbooks I have (Cook Yourself Thin, Hungry Girl's Guide, Biggest Loser cookbooks), I'm really getting a lot of good suggestions out of it!

My calorie budget is 1358 calories a day, so 339.5 calories a meal and 168.25 calories for two snacks a day. It's supposed to be your weight x 7 to get your calorie budget for weight loss. And with me feeling so great about my healthy eating, I'm more than happy to go to the gym and succeed there as well. I'm up to running two miles at the gym in training for my Cupid's Chase 5k. I'm way ahead of schedule so I'll be running two miles this week (each time I do, a little faster than the last) and two and a half miles next week.

I feel ready to lose this last 40 lbs. FINALLY!!!

Scurbs, Sickness and Snuggies

2010-01-04T12:14:00.001-08:00

As my lack of posts would suggest, I've fallen off the wagon. There are a number of contributing factors including (but not limited to): having a new boyfriend, the holidays, being super busy with both jobs, and being sick. But with the new year I'm hoping to set things right again. It's a sad excuse - as if the calender pages turning made any significant difference - but it may just be a boost I need. The more I think about it the more I realize that I'm just afraid that I can't go any farther. I had always assumed that a size 12 was the smallest my body could handle and now I realize that's the farthest thing from the truth. I've put up a mental road block preventing me from making any more headway.

The new boyfriend is actually proving to be a good thing for my weight loss. It turns out we have similar weight loss goals for ourselves. So we've made a pact that give each other small goal points and then reward each other. We've established our first goal point (20 lbs loss for me) but have yet to determine a time frame to do it in or what reward awaits us at the end. It'll take further discussion to decide.

I was also inspired by Tara Costa, yet again. I am a fan on her Facebook Fan Page and regularly check her posts and status updates for some inspiration. Since Biggest Loser Season 9 is scheduled to premiere tomorrow night, she suggested picking a contestant to compete with every week. While it's not realistic to lose as much as any contestant who works out 6-8 hours a day, I do think it's a fantastic idea.

Once I shake this sickness I'll be heading back to the gym strong. I still have aspirations to start running before work and running the Cupid's Chase 5k on February 13th. The ultimate goal is to still lose the final 40 lbs by April 22nd - my one year marker.

Running

2009-12-15T05:51:00.000-08:00

Over this past very busy weekend I unfortunately ate a lot of unhealthy things (burger and fries, cheese fries, bagel, chicken nuggets, fast food burger, chinese food just to name some of it) and am definitely paying the price. Not only did I eat crap, but I didn't get to the gym on Friday, Saturday OR Sunday! It was just ridiculous! It was nice to be social and have fun with new friends but I can't let my new healthy lifestyle get pushed by the wayside every time there's an Ugly Xmas Sweater Party to attend. Sunday I was doing really well with my eating until I got home after work. Then I ate myself stupid with whatever I could find. Though the only good news about that is that I polished off the tempting bread and cereal! I had gained about 3-4 lbs in just one weekend from all that junk.

So yesterday I officially jumped back on the wagon. I ate well and I hit the gym. I ran 2.1 miles (25 minutes) at the gym, then walked for another 20 minutes for a total of 45 minutes of cardio. I also went on a walk during my lunch break so I burned about 700 calories yesterday. My calorie intake was about 1,500 which was on the high side, but I'm aiming to keep it in the 1,300-1,500 range. And this morning the scale is already heading in the right direction.

On my walk during lunch yesterday, I saw a poster for Cupid's Chase 5k. It's a race to support a company that supports people with disabilities. It's the day before Valentine's Day and it's right in Princeton! I know I wanted to gear up for Maddy's 5k, but I think this one would be a good start. If I could run a 5k last week on pure emotion, then i'll be able to runa 5k in two months on pure adrenaline. My issue will be moving my training from inside on the treadmill to outside. Especially as the weather gets colder.

I always hated running. Mostly because I was terrible at it. But now that I'm actually trying it and finding my rhythm with it, I realize it's a lot of focus and not just putting one foot in front of the other. It's a completely mental activity, and I finally understand why people enjoy it. At this point, I can't say that I enjoy it yet, but I love how I feel afterwards. While watching the Biggest Loser last week, Kathryn told me "That's all marathon running is: pain management". And I'm realizing that's definitely the case. My ultimate goal will be to run a half marathon in the next two years.

Ran my first race - against myself

2009-12-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

Today I ran my first 5k. I don't know what came over me. I just got into an argument with someone this afternoon and I decided I was going to take out some frustration at the gym. I told myself I was going to run for the first time in months. I thought "Yknow what? I'm going to run a 5k today. I want to see if I can do it without training for it" And guess what.....I DID IT!!

I ran a 5k in just under 36 minutes with no previous running training. I'm THAT strong! This was very well timed as tonight is the Biggest Loser Season 8 finale. Go Danny!!!

Self Appreciation

2009-12-05T16:20:00.000-08:00

I'm coming to realize that no matter how much weight I lose I may never be considered "skinny". I may always be a girl that guys see as "thick" and intimidating. Here are some things I've come to accept, and love, about myself:

1. I have curly hair. It's not Pantene Pro-V beautiful long hair. It's curly. And it's beautiful despite.
2. I speak my mind.
3. I'm passionate. About EVERYTHING. Either for or against.
4. My mind is always running and makes me appear to be random. The truth is I just think quickly.
5. I'm bold and sometimes shameless.
6. Sometimes I can be moody..but my good traits far outweigh my bad.

I'm worth it. I'm worth it all.

Excited again

2009-12-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

Today (Wednesday) was the first day I've been to the gym since I hurt my back on Friday evening. I must say I felt guilty not going to the gym for so long. But the cool thing is that I really missed it. I was afraid to just go home after work because I knew I wouldn't be active however I was very good about my eating in those 5 gym-less days. I managed to lose 3 lbs somehow and break the plateau I've been on. I've now officially lost 52 lbs and I'm 188.

I've been reading my book The Biggest Loser: Simple Swaps as if it were literature and not technically a cookbook. It told me that to lose weight, your calorie consumption should be Your current weight times 7. Well, at 191 lbs before, I should've been eating 1334 calories. Considering you're not supposed to consume less than 1,200 calories a day that seemed awfully low to me. Previously I'd been aiming at consuming anywhere from 1,500-1,800 calories a day depending on whether I was having a very active day or a sedentary day. I readjusted my diet to intake 1,300-1,500 calories a day instead and figured it would be best to stick to this while not gymming. I guess it works! And I don't feel like I've been starving myself in the process. I'm just making myself very low-cal options.

I'm thankful to be 98% back. My back still hurts a teeny bit if I move a certain way or when I first wake up in the morning, but I'm able to work out again which I'm thankful for. And now that I have this concern off my mind, I've gotten excited about starting my martial arts. I'm looking into non-credit fitness classes through Mercer County Community College. Now the fun part will be figuring out which one I want to try first!

Thanksgiving snag

2009-11-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving for my eating habits usually isn't a terrible disaster. Luckily I'm not usually the person to stuff myself stupid with mashed potatoes and stuffing. However, this year we somehow manifested a dessert table that left little to NOT be desired. I had made sugar-free pumpkin mousse to prevent pumpkin pie overload disaster and then my Grandmother wound up bringing over a second pumpkin pie that had a unique recipe that I just had to try. And then Kelly's mother sent over a chocolate mousse cake. I had a little bit of everything to compromise and not deprive myself so I didn't feel so terrible. The problem was that the next day, National Day of Leftovers, was when I tanked and ate until I was too full. I've gotten so good at eating until I was no longer hungry and that was the first time in a while I ate until I was uncomfortable.

Somehow I managed to be done with Xmas decorations and family time earlier than anticipated yesterday so I was able to get an evening appointment with my trainer. I just immediately drove back from my parents house and was excited about being able to jump back into my health routine. Unfortunately, I ran into a snag when I pulled my back doing one of our workouts. We had to modify the last ten minutes of the workout and then I had to sacrifice doing a lot of cardio after which makes me feel extremely guilty. I even had another session scheduled for this morning but my back is still hurting and I know I won't be able to do anything so I had to cancel. Shane told me to take a few aleve and relax.

How am I supposed to work off the leftover disaster if i can't do any exercising? I'm thinking of maybe just eating very minimally today and hitting up the mall just to walk around and do some Christmas shopping. At least it's not sitting on my butt.

Since starting my rigorous exercising, I haven't had any sort of physical issue or illness to work through. I'm hoping this goes away. FAST

Need a fix

2009-11-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

I was doing very well with my diet and was hitting the gym pretty hard the last week or so but I fell so far off the wagon I can't even see the wheels last night at our Pre-Thanksgiving dinner party. Granted I didn't eat a ton but I did eat a ton of carbs. Not good.

I realized last week during my measurements that a few of my measurements have not changed in two months. NONE of them have changed in this past month even with a 2 l b weight loss and 1% body fat loss. I realize some of this is my fault with the diet issues and some is due to the fact that my body is retaliating from losing so much.

Yesterday while at the gym, I decided I'm going to start working out twice a day again to kick start my second wave of big weight loss. I tried yoga and I realize I don't really like it so instead I'm going to start going for walks in the morning. I figure getting into the habit of getting up early and exercising a little before work will be a good way to start running before work when I feel ready to start my running training again.

I've been so lacks about starting this Phase 2 thing. Still. And now i'm realizing more than ever how important it is to step it up. Going to the gym for 90-120 minutes is not enough anymore. I need to be doing more somehow.

Walk/run before work, walk during lunch hour, gym after work. Hopefully this'll help.

Cracking the whip

2009-11-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

I did some thinking at the gym this morning and I've decided that I'm going to restart the tapering process of the keto diet. The way it's supposed to work is that you incorporate carbs slowly but surely: first seven days off of keto you have 35-40 grams a day, next week you have 70-80 grams of carbs a day, next week you have 100 grams of carbs a day and then you finally plateau and you should NEVER EVER have more than 150 grams of carbs a day. Anything more than that is excess.

When I came to this realization, I stopped by the trainer's office to ask Shane what he thought of the idea. He said that it would be better than just going all sporadic with it like I am now and it probably wouldn't hurt to go with no carbs again (aka back to keto) for 2 weeks before starting to taper. Absolutely. I agree 100%.

Today I'm going to visit my family which means it'll be near impossible to do that, but I now have two more weeks to figure out exactly what foods are 35-40 grams a day, 70-80 grams a day, etc. The hard part will be finding foods taht are low carb enough to divy them up throughout the day. You are never supposed to have a big bulk of them in one sitting because it causes an insulin spike which helps store fat. Bad!

So this is the way to fix what I've messed up. It's bad enough my body is struggling from losing almost 50 lbs but I refuse to help it by screwing up my diet. I can do this with a little more discipline. I can DO this!

Hello, this is your wakeup call

2009-11-14T05:34:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when I have a ridiculously strict diet plan like the keto that I can follow it without a problem but the second I have some freedom in my diet I wind up going out of control again??? I've been trying my best to ween myself off the keto diet properly and incorporate healthy foods in my diet that I wasn't allowed before like fruit, oatmeal and whole grains. As hard as I try to calculate and plan out my carbs to incorporate for the day but I either calculate wrong or wind up overdoing it and then sabotaging myself.

They say "give them an inch, they'll take a mile" and I can't think of anything more appropriate relating to this topic. I'm finally allowed carbs again and I abuse the privilege. I've been good about going to the gym and working hard but it's going to mean nothing if I can't get a hold of myself and have some self control. I had my measurements yesterday and I only lost 2 lbs this month. And daily I'm watching the scale creep higher as I watch the fruits of my labor be slowly undone.

I'm better than this. Enough is enough. Stop abusing carbs. It's not crack...it's carbs!

Battle of the Bulge

2009-11-10T16:59:00.000-08:00

Everywhere I look there's something telling me that what I'm doing toward fitness is the opposite of the most effective approach. This is why I hate fitness and why I've hesitated to get my shit together. I feel like everywhere I turn there is conflicting information.

High carb and low fat is the way to go!
Low carb and high protein is the way to go!
Eat whatever you want you just have to exercise!
Exercise is the reason you're fat!
You should do ab exercises everyday for a flat tummy!
Flat abs can only be achieved by eating correctly!

OH MY GOD! It's no wonder I could never do this on my own without Shane to help me...

Fun House Mirrors

2009-11-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

At my largest, I never thought I could be smaller than a size 12 without looking emaciated and grossly thin. Here I am at a size 12 and I realize how much fat I can still lose. I guess I never had a concept of how large a size 12 still is or maybe I just really believed that I was framed larger than I actually am. I never felt more confident about being able to fit into single digit sizes!

On a semi-related note, I never realized how difficult it was going to be to see myself as the size that I am. I look around at other women and try to compare how I look next to them. Am I bigger? Am I smaller? Am I the same size? My body map is way off. I know that comes with BDD again but it's so frustrating.

I am thankful that I'm losing weight evenly and that I'm not looking like a victim of a Voo-Doo doctor's wrath, but it's making it very difficult to see a change in my body. It sounds ridiculous that 50 lbs down I can't see how my body looks so different but it's the truth! It's very difficult for me to believe that I'm as "thin" as people see.

When will my brain catch up with my body????

Pampering Gina

2009-11-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

Instead of being super productive with chores, I wound up having a Day For Gina. After my good gym trip this morning (as mentioned in my previous blog), I got a few chores done and watched some TV while cooking good/healthy stuff. I took a long hot shower and even did an extra moisturizing regimen for my skin. I then I headed to the mall. I have some gift certificates for Macy*s that I wanted to try and use for some new work skirts or dresses.

I figured I would try - for the first time - trying on clothes in an "untouchable" store: one of those stores that only has smaller sizes and trendy styles. I tried on clothes at The Limited, Express, Macy*s.....AND THEY ALL FIT! Granted, some of the styles looked terrible on my body type, but I fit into Express dresses and skirts! I can even buy items from Victoria's Secret now! I can't wait until I finally hit a maitenance weight and size so I can justify spending good money on clothes that'll fit longer than a few weeks.

I really needed a relaxing day like today. I feel refreshed and a little more confident. It would seem I'm officially a size 12 folks!!!

What would Tara do?

2009-11-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

Today I started my day off with a 9 am gym session with Shane. It was core day which was rough but feels great. I was wearing my "WWTD?" shirt to the gym for the first time and its like I can feel the motivation running through me. I feel like a changed person. This is the Gina I want to ultimately be. I only did an hour of cardio after my session but it was strong. I got to thinking about how amazing Tara is and how I really need to start channeling her more to keep myself motivated. So below is a song that I LOVE and plays during a youtube tribute to Tara. I highly suggest putting it on your gym mix to give you a boost.

---
Believe by Suzie McNeil

One minute's fading
One minute's past
But I've got this moment
To make it all last
I'm standing before you
Taking my chance on
Everything I never thought that I could be
Cuz you can do almost anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

It's like I'm falling through my own fears
They used to haunt me, but now they're not here
There's no looking back, my future is clear
No giving up
And I'm holding on when it gets rough
Cuz you can get through most anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

No one says it's easy
And no one says you have to be perfect
But as long as you try
You're always gonna find
It was worth it

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
---

TBL Tribute To Tara: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdGz4APr2h8&NR=1

Finally A Decision

2009-11-04T06:17:00.001-08:00

I keep telling myself I don't want to have a goal weight b/c I don't know what my body is capable of. Well I've changed my mind. Last night I had a dream I was working in a shop that sells snakes. I am absolutely petrified of snakes! I couldn't understand why I would be working in a shop with something I'm so scared of! (The store also checked your pool water, but that's neither here nor there) Once I woke up from this ridiculous dream, I started to think. My subconscious must be telling me that the only way to face my fears is to just jump into the thick of things. I'm never going to overcome my challenges by continuing to be scared.

A healthy weight for my height's BMI is 121-164 lbs. Personally, I think 121 lbs at 5'8" is absolutely disgusting. So I have officially decided to aim for 140 lbs for several reasons.
1. It's exactly 100 lbs weight loss. That's going to be an insanely proud moment to say I've lost 100 lbs.
2. It's in the middle of the healthy weight range.
3. 140 is low enough that, if I can't maintain it realistically, I can always gain a little more back and still be healthy.

I would like to be in the single digits of clothing too. But since 140 lbs of fat is different from 140 lbs of muscle, I'm not sure what that'll translate to. But I'm determined to get down to single digit sizes and then determine whether or not it's healthy for me.

I can feel the motivation coming back. I had a rough week and a half but I think I'm finally back. I hit the gym hard yesterday for an hour and 45 minutes and the scale is continuing to move, slowly but surely. I think when I hit 75 lbs weight loss I'm going to throw a three-quarters party...

Revision

2009-11-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is, but I find that at night I just take a turn for the worst in my mood and there is no reconciling it. I just wind up going to bed angry or upset and sometimes wake up that way the next day still. And there's never a real trigger for it, it just happens. It's very frustrating for me and anyone other poor schmo who winds up having to witness it in person or via AIM.

So let's revise last night's ranting post...

I will not abuse myself at the gym today. However, I will work hard at the gym today since I have neglected to go for four days. I will go for at least an hour and a half and two hours if I can manage. I will also start using my FitDay online food journal again b/c I'm tapering off my diet and need to keep track of how many carbs I'm taking in per day. I don't want to do too much too fast or my body will retaliate.

The yoga and at-home ab workouts I plan on doing? I'm going to start those this weekend. This is the first weekend I really don't have much to do (Saturday: Gym session at 9 am, Semi-Formal Barmitzvah Pub Crawl in the evening, Sunday: Friend's recital at 5:30) so I can figure out exactly how long these yoga videos are that I have and figure out which ab exercises will benefit me most.

At work I have a few duties that require regular attention. I need to be sure to send out certain letters on a regular basis and take care of audition confirmations and follow up with people about visits. So I made myself a weekly Daily Task schedule. On Mondays I do confirmations, on Tuesdays I do letters, on Wednesdays I do visits, etc. I've decided that's a good idea for me to have at home too to make sure I optimize my time. It seems a little rigid, but I work best when I have a routine and a schedule. This way I'll be able to figure out what days I will do yoga, what day I will do at-home abs, what day I will clean, what day I will do laundry, what day I will grocery shop. I really think it's the best way to make sure I get things done that I need to. Otherwise I'll keep pushing it back and I'll find up buying salads from Wawa and wearing clothes that are too big b/c I have nothing left that's clean.

I can do this. I just need to stop freaking out on myself. I think I'm ultimately scared that I'm not tapering off this diet right and that I'm just going to gain all this weight back immediately which is the last thing I want. So the way to manage is to just give myself some routine and discipline. I have got to get myself under control.

Government Cheese

2009-11-02T17:48:00.001-08:00

Phase 2 has been seriously sucking. And by sucking I mean I have done nothing towards Phase 2 yet and I'm so mad at myself for it. I just want to be kicking it up a notch when in reality all I'm doing is falling into terrible habits. I haven't been grocery shopping for "transition" food back into a normal diet so I've been getting food out a lot or just eating whatever I can find. It's terrible. This isn't to say that I'm eating terribly but I'm certainly not doing an optimal job of weening myself off this diet. I also haven't been to teh gym since Thursday. It's definitely Monday and I'm workin at McCarter this evening. Four straight days without the gym? Not okay.

As a result I feel the strong urge to abuse myself. I feel the urge to spend all evening at the gym tomorrow and starve myself a little just to make sure that I'm not doing more damage than good. I just wish I could make this terrible urge go away. I know its self destructive and I'm trying to hard to squelch it but it's just not working.

I have GOT to get to the grocery store adn stock up on things that I should eat. The real problem is that I just haven't had the urge to cook or do anything productive in days. I spent the weekend working and so now I feel entitled to sit and do nothing apparently.

This blog is completely incoherent as my thoughts just popped out. I apologize.

General point I want to get across: I suck and I need to knock it off and get back on the god damn wagon.

Phase 2: Better late than never

2009-10-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

I've had serious issues this week staying on the wagon. This was the week I was supposed to be in Phase 2 and stepping everything up a notch. Instead, I went back several steps. SOOO not okay.

I think it's only fair to say that at this point I've obliterated my diet. I am past the point of saving it. Now I must taper off this ketogenic diet and back into regular old healthy eating. I am very okay with eating a lot more fruits and veggies and whole grains in the long run.

So tomorrow I will start Phase 2 including all the aforementioned tricks less the "sticking to keto without substitutions" thing. If I can't manage, I'll start the keto again. But I have to give a regular diet a fair shot and if I'm going to be doubling up on the exercise at home and in the gym then itwould be nice to have enough energy to do that.

I've decided, to keep myself motivated for this next step, to adopt a new motto. While reading my book on Columbine (cleverly entitled "Columbine" by Dave Cullen), we read about how Eric Harris - the psychopath who had a bigger hand in slayings - had a fascination and adoration for Nazi beliefs. Since he found himself to be superior to most of those he knew in his life, he adopted their motto of "Kein mitleid" meaning "no mercy" when it came to sparing those who were beneath him.

I have no similar beliefs to Nazis and I do not believe that what Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold did was in any way admirable or a good deed. But there's something about this motto I like. I want to adopt it as my motto for good, not evil. When I want to destroy myself and abuse myself b/c I feel weak and unworthy, I shall give myself no mercy and push forward. When I start to feel as those I may never make it to the finish line, I will give myself no mercy and go, go, go until I'm done. I can't afford not to.

Kein mitleid. Weil ich es wert bin.

Relapse

2009-10-30T11:14:00.001-07:00

After my brother's wedding I can experience what I imagine must be a hangover. I've never really had one before and I didn't drink that much, but it appears that I woke up fine and the feeling of supreme lethargy and the need to eat crap consumed me. Hormones didn't help. So in a moment - nay, day - of weakness, I wound up cheating on my keto diet for the first time. After exactly two months of dedication to the diet and all the trials and tribulations with it, I cheated. I felt terrible guilt but couldn't stop myself from consuming things that were not on the keto menu. It was comfort food. Unfortunately, ever since then (six days ago) I haven't been able to get 100% back on the keto wagon.

I don't believe I've knocked myself completely out of ketosis. I noticed that when I started eating eggs again, I did not get the strange taste of ketones in my mouth the way I had when I started the diet and I didn't feel any lack of energy. So I know I'm out of whack but i'm not completely kicked out. The problem is that because I cheated once, my mind can't shake that "Well you already screwed up already, might as well stay off it now" mentality. So every day since I've been doing medium cheats like a handful of candy corn or a couple soy peppermint mochas. While these are not entire binge meals, it's still a cheat on this diet. And it needs to stop. Yesterday I did so well until I made rice krispie treats for work but wound up eating all the remnants in the bottom of the pan that crumbled. That sounds minor, but it was enough that I ate them with a spoon. Consider that.

I need to get 100% back on the wagon. Luckily I've lost the 4 lbs I seemingly gained from sodium intake (apparently going back to the eggs is helping) and my cheat day. I wanted to stay on this diet through the holidays so that I keep my holiday weight in check. In fact, I think every year around the holidays doing the keto diet would be a fantastic idea to make sure I don't put on those holiday pounds.

I abused myself at the gym the other day out of guilt over this and it's time to stop feeling guilty and just do it right. I have to stop telling myself that a "little cheat" is okay b/c a couple little cheats a day is not. And yes I love my soy peppermint mochas with 2 pumps but in excess? They are part of the problem. Not the solution.

Back on the wagon. Giddy up!

The emotional switch

2009-10-25T15:03:00.001-07:00

There is seemingly no downside to finally becoming a happy person, being confident in yourself and finally realizing that you look good and feel good in your wardrobe. Except there is...

This past weekend was my brother's wedding. I was more than excited to enjoy the momentous occasion with almost everyone I know and love in this improved body and with my improved personality. The bridal shower went over so well and I felt so great that I just imagined this weekend would be even better because we'd all be dressed up and at our happiest. However, instead I was surprised to notice that I felt just like a wolf in sheep skin: a New Gina in Old Gina's place. No matter what I did to try and have the best time possible, I felt as though I was still the fat little sister of the groom. Yes, people complimented my singing at the ceremony and some congratulated my weight loss but it didn't seem to matter. In a sea of people from my past, I can't help but fall into old habits and feel just as inadequate as I always have around the same crowd.

It's as if I forgot how to have a conversation with someone new and all of my insecurities reared their ugly heads. It was terrible to have worked so hard for this moment only to realize that I felt exactly the same. This was supposed to be my first goal marker! Why couldn't I just let myself enjoy the evening! Why has every other wedding been fantastic and I've felt great but I couldn't enjoy this nearly as much???

It just shows me that I have so much longer to go mentally. I'm still not ready to accept that I have changed physically and therefore not willing to accept people's generous compliments as genuine. My insecurity is obviously still lodged inside this smaller body and it has overstayed it's welcome. The trick is to figure out how to exorcise it. Do I just keep putting myself in these situations until I'm forced to behave accordingly? Do I just keep working on myself and give myself pop quizzes of social outings?

When will I believe I'm as strong as I've become...

Hey, don't come to the gym with me!

2009-10-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

Statistics say that working out with a "fitness buddy", logging all your exercises, and keeping a daily food journal are large keys to one's success. Personally, I find that only two out of three of these things are true. I did start the habit of keeping a daily food journal online which also tracks my calorie burning and consuming as well as weigh-ins. Though I haven't been logging while on this keto diet, I feel as if the habit is not gone and if I were to go back on a regular healthy diet tomorrow, I could pick up where I left off with this. At this time, with Shane as my rock at the gym, I don't do any sort of logging on how many repetitions or what strength training exercises I do. I know at some point when I have to do strength training on my own without a trainer (because I can't afford him forever) that I will have to track what I do. Since strength training is always the activity that I won't do for myself, I already know that this will be a huge challenge for me. However I cannot, and do not, agree with the idea of a fitness buddy.

Whenever I invite a friend or neighbor to join me at the gym, I don't work out the same. I love the company and it's nice to actually have someone to talk to instead o f doing the same mundane music or watching a crappy movie in a theater but the truth is I don't push myself the same. It's much like when you eat while watching TV or playing on the computer and you just don't realize exactly what you're doing because you're distracted. In fact, sometimes I find that I'm so focused on what I'm doing that I zone out and don't even hear my music anymore. I used to require visual stimuli of the TV even if I was listening to music but now I find that I would much rather watch people around the gym and leave myself to my thoughts. I do some of my best thinking at the gym lately. I think about what I have to do when I get home. I think about what I will wear to work tomorrow. I think about what my schedule for the week is like. I think about how cute that guy is and how hot it is when he does pullups. I think about how different I feel from the old Gina i've worked so hard to get rid of. It's just a lot to wrap my mind around.

I wish I could say that having someone to go to the gym with motivates me, but the truth is I think I'd rather do it alone. Even if I'm the first one to suggest someone joining me, I prefer to go and stay for as long as I want and work on whatever machine I want. I really wish I was the type of person who was motivated by having someone join me, but I find that even when someone has similar goals I find it just doesn't cut it for me.

To each their own, but I hope that will change someday.

"Give it the old Emeril treatment*

2009-10-17T20:07:00.000-07:00

To keep myself on track this week to push into Phase 2 next week, I wanted to give myself a game plan. This is what I want to do this week:

Sunday: Sleep in! If I have enough time to hit the gym before work at 12:30 fine, but I'm in dire need of a sleep-in morning.
Monday: Gym after work for 90 minutes
Tuesday: Gym after work for 60-90 minutes
Wednesday: Session with Shane for 30 minutes, 60+ minutes of cardio
Thursday: Session with Shane for 30 minutes, 30+ minutes of cardio
Friday: 60-90 minutes of cardio (laps in the hotel pool in the afternoon/evening?)
Saturday: Wedding day! Rest
Sunday: 30 minutes of cardio

Then Monday will start Phase 2. I want to be sure to get things back on track and start kicking things up a notch. These are the things I plan to address/accomplish with the Phase 2 startup:

* Adhere strictly to my keto diet - eggs and all (wahhhh)
* Do 60+ minutes of cardio a day, six days a week
* Start doing ab exercises 3-4x a week (at home or at the gym)
* Start a flexibility program (yoga or stretching regimen of some sort)

I'm pumped! Let's do this!

Recalculating...

2009-10-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if it's because my brother's wedding is finally around the corner (dear lord that time passed quickly!) or if I'm losing steam, but I feel as though I haven't been working very hard lately in the fitness area. Perhaps I'm nervous that with the wedding around the corner, if I work too hard my dress won't fit right. I mean I can't go losing any more than 3-5 lbs this week or my dress will be loose.

I've been doing a lot of substituting in my diet b/c of a lack of time for cooking or just b/c I got sick of eggs and I fear that it's having an effect on my weight-loss results. Shane seems to think that while substituting turkey bacon, cheese and pork rinds (don't judge me) for the eggs is protein and fat equivalent, it's very high in sodium so it may make me retain water. I don't think that's the case, but I can't help but wonder if I could be losing more if I just ate the damn eggs. I've been going to the gym just as much (I've hit the gym for 90 minutes at least 3 days this week) and i asked Shane to beat me up during my sessions with him this week and yet somehow I still feel like I'm half-assing it. Is it because I'm getting used to working so hard? Or am I lying to myself about the effort I'm really putting in?

I'm considering a kick-start after the wedding. Vinnie and Kelly's wedding was my first goal marker date, so once it's over I need a new one. I will give myself a final goal date of April 22nd 2010 where I will have reached my ideal weight...whatever that may be. And by then I'll be running and training for Maddy's Memorial 5k and more, hopefully. Other than stepping it up 3 notches at the gym, I will go back to the keto diet religiously meaning no more substituting. I'm going to eat the damn eggs and I'm going to like it. And I'm going to eat everything even if it get sto be late at night and I dont' want to.

So here's to Monday Oct 26th....may that be the start of Phase 2!

Reflections

2009-10-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on my physical past because it's just amazing to see how far I've come. As this as all happening, it didn't seem like the weight was coming off fast enough for me (does it EVER feel like that??) and I was getting frustrated that all I would lose is 1-3 lbs a week. "Come on! That's it?!" I'd yell at my scale. That's not even considering the plateau times where I don't see the scale move for too long and I start to get more than annoyed as all my hard-work goes for naught.

But yesterday when I posted that picture and noticed just how much different 45 less lbs is, I realize how big a deal that is. I'll consider the start of my dedication to be Good Friday which was Fri April 10th. In exactly six months I have lost 45 lbs. That averages out to 7.5 lbs a month, 1.875 lbs a week, and about a 1/4 of a lb a day. When you think of it in terms of that, that's actually kinda great. They say it's not healthy to lose more than 2 lbs a week anyway because you're either working yourself too hard or you're not taking the time for new habits to sink in and you're bound to gain the weight back later.

I've also inspired my first person. A friend from high school is getting married and she and I used to constantly talk about how unhappy we were that we were overweight. Now that she has the big white dress, she wants to make sure she looks fantastic in it and I guess she's taken my "story" as an inspiration. And that makes me feel awesome. While ultimately this all is for me and my health, what good would it be if I didn't help other people sharing everything I've learned and spreading the motivation to others who need encouragement? It's like I'm one step closer to being like Tara Costa...and you all know how I feel about her. (Are we BFFs yet???)

I guess now is just a time to thank everyone who's been supporting me instead of being a bad influence as well as those who gives me those ego boosts that keep me so motivated. This has all turned out to be so much easier with people helping to keep me on track and encouraging the good habits. I could never have come this far if I had friends badgering me to eat the wrong things or telling me to ditch the gym to hang out instead. My success is your success too :)

Serious ego boost

2009-10-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

I photoshopped an old photo next to a new photo. It's awesome to see what six months of hard work has accomplished!! Even my smile looks more genuine...

Project 23 - Over but not finished

2009-10-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

At this time last year, I was hoping to make age 23 the best year of my life. Since then I have lost about 45 lbs, cleansed my love life, established some managerial experience, and can honestly say that I'm happy. I started out at 240 lbs and am officially down to 196 lbs, down from a size 20 to a size 12/14. Apparently all of this wasn't about having the best year of my life. This Project was about getting myself prepared to live the best years of my life.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. While technically Project 23 is over, I feel like this is just the beginning. I don't know what life will bring from here on out, but I refuse to let myself become that unhappy, overweight, too-stressed person EVER again.

This blog will continue. This journey will continue. My life will grow into the amazing experience that I'm going to make it.

I am in control.

Goals To Work For

2009-10-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

With a new year, my priorities will be changing. And since I never did initially, I finally have a list of goals.

Have confidence in myself
Become a runner to run Maddy's Mad Dash Memorial 5k (5/1/10 for those who want to join!)
Try mixed martial arts
Be able to shop in ANY store for clothes
Try yoga
Start dating with a new positive, confident attitude
Develop a new, active hobby (i.e. training for races, daily nature walks, kayaking, etc.)

As these things are achieved I hope to add more to the list or expand upon already existing goals. Who knows, maybe trying yoga or mixed martial arts will turn into my new active hobby! But I'm determined to keep progress going forward and not plateau to a point of acceptance until this is all truly done. I don't have the cajones to give myself a size or weight goal b/c I don't know what my body's capable of. And to be honest? I want to experiment with what I'm capable of when the time comes.

So here's to another year!

Motivators

2009-10-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

On the Biggest Loser, they tell you that you should have clear, realistic and tangible goals to succeed. If you don't know what you're working for, you can lose focus easily. But what sort of things can keep you motivated? It's so different for everyone. I've realized a few of my biggest motivators:

* When I first started working with Shane, I thought having a trainer who was so attractive was going to prevent me from pushing myself because I'd be too self-conscious. However, it's turned out to have the opposite effect! The more I work with him, the more I want to impress him with what I can do. I refuse to let myself fail in front of someone who resembles statues from the Roman Empire. Sometimes all he has to do is walk by and it gives me a second wind on the cardio machines. "Don't let Shane down, Gina!" I tell myself.

* Every time someone I haven't seen in a while compliments me on how "fantastic" I look, it's a boost. I know it's vain but sometimes I just need that reminder that what I'm doing is showing results. I've mentioned it before that I really look the same in the mirror to myself. But when other people notice it just makes me want to keep going until I reach goal.

* These weddings are a factor in my decision to lose weight in the first place. Now that I have the outfits to wear for them, I try them on to make myself "feel pretty. Oh so pretty". Not only do I feel great that these dresses are quite smaller than my starting size, but the dresses themselves are just beautiful.

* There are a couple REALLY cute guys at the gym. Much like when Shane walks by, sometimes all I need is for them to walk by for me to catch a second wind. Am I doing it to impress them and catch their attention? Sure. But I'm also using it as a reminder to myself that if I keep working, I can get a guy like that.

* Checking Tara Costa's facebook fan page keeps me in check. She posts her little blogs or what she's up to but she keeps on truckin even when things get rough or busy. I can only hope to be half as determined as her.

I realized after watching last night's episode that I don't really have clear-cut goals. I've been afraid to aim for a particular goal-weight because I don't know what my body is capable of and maybe I'm still not sure what I want out of all of this. Soon I will be posting a list of my goals and checking them off as I reach them. I'll also be revising them as I think of bigger challenges for myself.

Embarassed

2009-10-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

Oh my god....I'm looking at picture from my trip to Europe in late April. Thirty-seven pounds ago!

What took me so long???? Dear God why did I get so big? What happened to me??? WHY DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY THREE YEARS TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY BODY!??!?!

It just makes me want to cry, looking at these photos. I have all these great memories and I'm either the person taking the pictures so I don't have to be in them or I'm in the pictures hating what I see. You can just tell I'm not happy...

I'm so ashamed of myself for it getting so out of control. And I'm so scared that it could happen again. I'm afraid because I don't know why it never sunk in until this past year and I'm afraid that it'll never be enough and I'll never reach goal. I just can't keep saying it in my head....How did this happen??? Why???

I just never thought I was capable of losing weight and I never thought I was capable of being thin. Yet I look back on some pictures from my younger years and realize that I really was just thicker than the "pretty popular" girls in middle and early high school. I wasn't really actually fat at that point. And then the pounds just kept piling on until it added up to this. I'm just in shock looking at myself in all these pictures....why did I do this.

I have no idea how much weight I can afford to lose before I look skeletal but I'm going to do my best to get to 140 lbs. At a height of 5'8, that might work okay.

Realization and a Compliment

2009-10-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's because I refueled on Saturday evening or if it's just because of the crazy busy day I had at work, but I just rocked it at the gym tonight. Shane always tells me I do too much cardio, but he said as long as I'm monitoring my heart rate and keeping it in my Fat Burning Zone, it's okay to do as much as I like. Well....today I had some SERIOUS stamina! I started with a 5 minute warm-up on the treadmill, did a hard 30 minutes on the bike, did another hard 30 minutes going backward on the elliptical, and then ended doing a powerwalk on the treadmill for a final 30 minutes. And I wanted to keep going except I was starting to get hungry!

I'm noticing that my body is getting used to the work I've been doing. It used to take only 3.5 mph on the treadmill to get my heart rate up high enough, now it takes 4.0 mph. I can up the resistance on the bike and elliptical machines while keeping the same speed as before, if not faster. Today, while on the bike, I realized that even though I could feel my quads burning during my ride, I wasn't letting up. Old Gina would have lightened it up so she couldn't feel that pain. But now I push through it thinking "Good. That means it's working."

It's strange, I've come to learn that pushing out my comfort zone is 100% necessary to this transformation. Being in the comfort zone is what got me to 240 lbs. Working out isn't SUPPOSED to be comfortable. It's supposed to be WORK. I don't know why but I've always been afraid of pushing myself to the point of soreness or to the point of getting sick. Yknow what? After 6 months of working hard with Shane, I have yet to throw up. And only once, towards the beginning of our sessions together, was I ever so sore that I was incapacitated. Why was I ever scared of that feeling? Admittedly, I still kind of am. It's strange because I'll push myself to work for longer, but not necessarily to work harder. I don't know what that says about me...

On a side note:

I felt pretty good today in clothes that actually fit. There was a fire drill in my office building and all the faculty and staff came out together, holding their ears from the blaring siren. As we're walking out, Joe Miller sees me and his jaw drops and he says "Wow. Gina, you look fantastic!" It means a lot coming from a gay man with high standards. Trust me. It's just a nice reminder that my hard work is paying off and people can notice.

Meeting My Idol!

2009-10-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

To your left, you'll see a picture of my biggest idol: Tara Costa, and myself. I designed a T-shirt saying "WWTD?" in her honor with one of her favorite motivational quotes on the back. When it finally arrived I posted a picture of myself wearing it on her Facebook Fan Page to tell her of the dedication. She actually commented on it "I WANT ONE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!" And I was stoked! Since she had a 5k and Fitness Fair coming up, I told her I would give her one there. So I made up another one and ordered it for her in her size.

Today when I go up to talk to her, she points at my shirt and says "OH MY GOD! THE SHIRT!" And I reach into my purse to give her hers. I wrapped it in tissue and had a card wrapped up with it. I give it to her and I tell her "I hope it's the right size. They run a little big." And she opens the tissue up like a kid at Christmas and calls her boyfriend over to check it out. I wish I had gotten pictures of her getting all excited about the shirt. She thanked us all for coming and we introduced ourselves. Then I got this picture with her.

Later we were just hanging around and checking out all the booths giving out free stuff. There was a raffle going on so I bought 7 tickets for $5 and wanted to stick around until they called out the results. It was about noon so I figured it couldn't hurt to stick around for another hour just to see the results. We went over to the booth to check out the prizes that we could win and when we were looking over the stuff, the ladies commented on how great my shirt was and I told them I had created the design and got it made. They loved it. I asked if the prizes were all local gift certificates because we weren't from the area. They asked where we came from and we told them Princeton. They were all impressed we came so far!

I was really hoping for this one gift basket of Biggest Loser stuff like a scale, protein powder, a tshirt, etc. I wound up buying TWO door prizes! I won a one-hour personal training session at Lucille Roberts and a gift certificate for a CPR certification class. I'm not sure what I'll do what the CPR class thing but Johanna and her twin were talking about taking a class just before the drawing so I offered it to them. Who knew I would get my mother's genes for winning stuff!!!

So after I had won my two prizes, Tara's mother came over to talk to us. The ladies manning the table earlier had told her that we came all the way from Princeton and she thanked us for coming so far just to be there. We told her we were all very excited to meet Tara b/c she was such an inspiration and I had to give her the tshirt so it was totally worth it. She seemed truly touched. She told us how she had lost 80 lbs because of her daughter's incredible determination.

Kathryn and I drove home feeling like it was an amazingly succesful day. And we just finished my second cheat meal: friendls burgers with fries and over half a pint of ice cream.

Today was an amazing day and I feel like she's rekindled an already burning fire to succeed with all this fitness work. I can't wait to take this energy and work it at the gym tomorrow!

The Cost Of Healthy Living

2009-10-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

Groceries: $400/month
Trainer: $330/month for ten session
Gym: $20/month
Running Shoes: $95
New Clothes: $300
Online Food Log: $0
Online Fitness Journal: $0
Finally losing weight: Priceless

I'm prompted to think of this topic after spending approximately $300 yesterday on new clothes online. Because of this cost of healthy living, I have two jobs to cover the expense. However, what I lack is the time to actually go to a store and try on clothes that will fit and not be so baggy on me. I figured ordering some staples online such as dress pants, dress shirts, dresses and a few casual tops should get me started until October Madness is over.

I've always had issues finding clothes that fit and it would take me hours just to find a single decent outfit. However now I'm realizing that shopping is a lengthy process simply because I don't know what size I am and have to try on two of everything just to make sure! If these clothes don't fit or look right, it'll be nice to get some of that money back but it just means I'll actually have to go and try everything on in stores and do 2 stores on each free evening I have. I really don't want to have to do that. When I reach goal, shopping is going to be a blessing. For now while i'm still shrinking? It's a freakin curse.

I'm curious and annoyed that healthy living should cost so much. I understand that the trainer, although a luxury, is a big portion of that. I plan on reaching goal and continuing to train with him so he can teach me maintenance exercises. Since having a trainer is the only thing that's effectively kept me on track, I feel it's a vital resource through this whole period even if it is difficult for me to afford. I can't afford to let him go! And on this keto diet I'm realizing how quickly I go through produce and how expensive it is. The only good thing about this diet is that I'm getting the exact same things over and over so it's going to be pretty much the same cost every month with minor changes when I refuse to eat eggs.

One day I'll be able to go back to my really cheap generic brand-buying, $20 gym membership and won't have to spend ungodly amounts of money on clothes so often just to prevent looking like a hobo...

Seedlings of a new me starting?

2009-09-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I used to be a "morning" person. My alarm would go off, and I wouldn't be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but I would turn off the alarm and get up. I didn't even know what the snooze button did for years. I got to college and that routine continued for several years. Finally, into the George years (also known as the worst time of my life) I discovered the snooze button and unfortunately haven't looked back since. I now constantly press the snooze button 1-4 times a morning. I hate this about myself because if I hated getting up just as much before, why give myself the stress of running late for no extra benefit?

The next few days I'm working 8:30-5 at my full-time job but then working at the theater afterwards from 6-10 pm. I don't have the conscience to go two days in a row without a trip to the gym if sickness isn't involved. So I'm waking up at 5:30 to get to the gym by 6 am for an hour workout before my long long day. Of course this also means that I need to have all my meals pre-packaged and ready to grab on my way out for a 14 hour day. And yknow what? I did it. Last night I prepared 5 meals for both Wednesday and Thursday and this morning I got up at 5:30 am for the gym for a full hours workout - 5 min warmup, 30 minute treadmill, 30 minute bike. Strangely enough, I didn't use the snooze button once - even at this ridiculously early hour. Tomorrow? I will get up again and repeat everything that happened today.

I find it strange that when it comes to hitting the gym in the morning, I refuse to press snooze, yet when it's work that I'm waking up for, my hands don't hesitate to delay my waking. That's how important my exercise has become to me. I can't explain the feeling I have when I skip the gym....it's a mixed emotion of regret and guilt and shame and nonchalance all wrapped into one. I trust that if I don't go to the gym today, I'll go tomorrow. And if I don't go tomorrow, i'll go first thing in the morning the next day AND after work. Nearly every workday I walk for an hour as my lunch break, and it has to be raining or me feeling really crappy to not take the opportunity to walk into town. Sometimes I'll have company, sometimes I bring my iPod....but it's constant.

I'm so thankful that I've gotten to a point of routine and that exercise is a habit as well as a pleasure. I'm learning to push through pain instead of letting up at the sign of it. I'm also proud that I've found a balance and I'm not overworking or abusing myself anymore, especially when I make a little slipup. I swear it's this diet. It just gives me so much self control because I have no choice but to follow the menu. If I cheat, I wasted it all and my body goes completely out of whack and starts turning carbs into fat.

I feel strong. I feel capable. And I feel ready to attack my psyche and figure out the tangled mess of webs that got me to 240 lbs and depressed. If only I knew where to start...

WELCOME ME TO THE 100 CLUB!!!!!!!

2009-09-29T06:37:00.000-07:00

I did it! This morning for the first time in too many years, I weighed in under 200 lbs. Yesterday I stepped on the scale thinking "Today is the day!" and the scale read 200.0. I could just hear the scale laughing at me. And today I stepped on that scale again in the morning thinking "Let's see if I'm 200.0 again or if I gained a little water weight" and I weighed in at 199.2!!! Which is funny because 3 days ago I weighed 200.8 so for the past three days I've lost .8 lbs in a single day. Strange, but I'll take it!

Now that I'm under the 200 hump I feel like my plateau is officially broken and I can take off running. I'm going to aim big (or small, as it were) for 140 lbs. I figure if I set my sights high then I'm bound to hit goal in no time. If i work hard, I'll hit goal by the one-year anniversary of working with Shane in April. I can DO this! I feel unstoppable now! Being under 200 felt impossible, but now that I've done it, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER let myself get above 200 again.

Here's the game plan since this week is crazy a little:
Tues - No gym, watch Biggest Loser with roomie (who I desperately need to catch up with)
Wed - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Thurs - Gym before work since I work at theater in the evening
Fri - Gym at 2 after half day of work
Sat - Go to LI with Johanna, her twin and Kathryn to meet TARA COSTA!!!
Sun - Gym in morning before matinee at the theater

Seeing results again makes getting up at 5:30 am for the gym seem not so terrible, I must say.

A little personal

2009-09-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

They say that posture is key to showing your confidence. It's not usually a conscious thing, it just kinda happens that way. When you're self conscious you tend to hunch your shoulders and cower. When you're confident and open, your shoulders are back and your head is lifted and your chest is out. It just happens. I realize that my posture, even at the gym, is broadening. I can feel my body's confidence in itself which is a really bizarre and cool feeling. But I feel this confidence in other ways too.

Today I wore my new size 14 jeans and felt svelte. I also bought a new green cardigan so it was the first time in a while I was wearing something that actually fit correctly. I went to the theater to work and I just felt fantastic. I couldn't stop smiling at customers and conversing with colleagues. Normally I'd find any reason to have a moment to myself or read so I didn't have to make awkward small talk. But I'm doing less and less of that now. I find I usually smile on my face.

The most prominent place I realize this growth in confidence is with men. Even though I'm on a break from dating, I still check guys out: at the gym, at the theater, in passing, etc. I used to pass an attractive guy and immediately slump to avoid eye contact. "He's out of my league. He'd never find me attractive," I'd think. I never believed I had a chance with any guy, even those less gifted in the looks area. Now? With my head held high, I can check out an attractive man and think "How can I grab his attention? I bet I could get him to check me out." What a change from before! I no longer see men as these unattainable fantasies. And I know that while I probably have another 60 lbs to lose, the confidence I'm exuding will attract them to me before I reach that goal. Heck, it's even happening now.

It's superficial and it's silly, but it's something that I've wanted to change for a long time. I never wanted to look at a guy and think "I could never get him" again.

THAT, my friend, is progress.

Second is the new first!

2009-09-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Results are in!! I won SECOND PLACE in the Biggest Loser competition at Retro!!!! I'm so proud of myself! I knew I'd place! I won't lie, I'm super curious how much I lost by because losing over 16 lbs and 3.1% body fat is pretty big for two months. But good for the number one winner! And it was a woman! So she definitely beat me fair and square! Stupid men and their ability to lose weight by blinking...

This is SO not the end! I have so much farther to go on this journey and so much more to accomplish! Shane texted me to congratulate me and my first thought was "Thanks! But we have some serious work to do still!" He suggested we kill the bitch. I giggled.

While an experience like this (especially with so much praise and support from friends and family upon hearing the good news!) is especially motivating, it ultimately means nothing. It's a great milestone. But this by no means is the end of anything. Nor is it the beginning. This is a pleasant little rest stop on the highway to healthy :)

Tortellini makes me tortilooney

2009-09-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

I made it four weeks on the keto diet! I finished the first four weeks of this program and now I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel my glycogen levels. It felt like I was running on empty and was seriously time to "refeed".

So tonight I had my first cheat meal. When you cheat, you're supposed to have stuff that's terrible for you. You're supposed to shock your system into kicking your metabolism back into high gear. Here I am after three helpings of tortellini alfredo, half a loaf of bread, a handful of jordan almonds, three chocolate truffles, a handful of mike and ikes, a black & white cookie and two glasses of v8 fusion. I don't have a food baby...I have food triplets. I'd feel terribly guilty that I ate this while watching the Biggest Loser if it weren't for the fact that I'm doing this as part of a diet regimen.

I really struggled figuring out what I wanted as my cheat meal. It feels wrong to eat this stuff and to want to eat it. Truth be told, I didn't get any sense of satisfaction eating bread or chocolate the way I used to. Before starting any of this fitness nonsense, when I craved something, partaking of it released pressure. Much like the relief of scratching an itch, fulfilling a craving gave me a sense of euphoria. Sure it's tasty, but I don't feel like I just fueled some demon inside my body lusting for carbs.

Now that i've passed the initial four week period and I've finally gotten my first cheat meal, I realize how important this diet was for my journey. Some people I tell about it say it sounds extremely unhealthy and think that I'll gain a ton of weight back when I go off it. But you know what? This diet is a huge test of my self control and will power. Sure, I've wanted to quit my diet a few times b/c I was frustrated with a lack of results. But I never felt the urge to cheat. The times I wanted to quit I wanted fruit. I wanted whole wheat toast. I wanted my low-fat swiss cheese and nonfat yogurt. I don't feel the need to eat pizza or chinese food or burgers. I crave things that are good for me and I realize what a huge step that is.

From this point forth I get to have one cheat meal a week to refuel on carbs and feed off that glycogen for the week. I can't wait to see what results I get on the scale and in my energy levels for my workouts after this!

"Daddy, how much protein is in a donut?"

2009-09-19T07:21:00.001-07:00

The verdict on the plateau is in: diet soda was holding me back. Lost 1.5 lbs since I stopped drinking it two days ago. No more diet soda for Gina! However the good news is that, since the scale is moving again, I feel fairly confident that I could hold out on my cheat meal til Saturday like originally planned instead of Tuesday when I'm first able to have one.

As I continue to grow weary of my repetitious diet, I realize how much I still have yet to learn about food. I had a session this morning at 9 am and felt that eating a crap ton of eggs and egg whites before my session (especially leg day!) would be an epically bad life choice. So I ate Meal 2 first. When Shane asked what I'd already had today, I told him of my switch and expressed my disdain for the eggs that await me. And he tells me "Well just switch it out for the same amount of fat and protein." Now he says this carelessly because he's been doing it so long that he knows the fat/carb/calorie/protein content of everything he consumes. I am still very unaware of how much of what is in the food I eat. Even on this diet, I know what I'm supposed to eat and that certain things are more fat than protein, but I don't know the actual numerical breakdown.

I'd like to think I'm pretty smart. So I'm confused why facts like these won't stick with me. Why can't I ever sit down, do the math, and remember how much fat and protein is in something so that I can replace it with something else that would be a little more satisfying if not just a change of menu pace? Shane mentioned that I could replace my eggs on my Day 2 menu with probably 5 lowfat cheesesticks for the same nutritional intake. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS CHEESE?!??!?! It is to my mental benefit to learn these things at this point!!!

So amongst my normal challenges of sticking to this diet without cheating, continuing going to the gym on a regular (if not more frequent by going twice a day) basis, and keeping a confident and positive attitude, I must also challenge myself to learn more about food. Food should not be my enemy. I shouldn't be depriving myself of things of things I like forever. I should just learn more about them to make informed eating decisions.

Here's to cheese! May it always come to the rescue!

A Milestone To Be Proud Of

2009-09-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have been suffering for several weeks now with two things: a plateau and baggy clothes. I believe I may have a breakthrough on both today.

Under the assumption that diet soda won't kill me, I had been drinking it religiously (2-4 cans a day) while starting my keto diet. I started to drink a lot of it in my second week thinking it was a nice alternative to other drinks I can't have and a nice change from water. Shane told me that he drinks at least one of those Big Gulps from 7-Eleven of diet soda every day because it's his vice and he doesn't have an issue with it. Well....I think he's a liar. Because yesterday was the first day I drank no soda and it was also the first time I saw the scale move in two weeks. If tomorrow I see the scale move down again, I'm going to know that diet soda was holding me back for two weeks. And while I would be frustrated that I "wasted" two weeks at a stagnant weight, I'm glad that it stayed still instead of going up and I'm glad I know why it happened.

This week I've spent some time sorting through literally all my clothes to figure out what I should get rid of, what I should get tailored, and what still fits. The "get tailored" pile is biggest. I have so many clothes I love that I just can't afford to replace right now. Yet somehow, knowing that my budget is limited (from a low salary plus lots of wedding expenses) doesn't prevent me from buying certain things. Last night I saw a teal satin trench coat in a size "L" that just drew me in. I put it on and I just felt fantastic. I needed a rain coat and it was $39.99 and I couldn't say no to it. Something as simple as a coat that makes me feel that stellar just has to be in my wardrobe. But then after work, something amazing happened.

At my largest, I was a size 20. Not only was I not okay with weighing almost a quarter of a ton at 240 lbs, but I was not okay with my dress size being so damn close to my age. As my colleague, Rebecca, and I passed the Gap in the mall, she talked me into trying on some new dress pants and jeans. I do need dress pants desperately because NONE of mine fit. I did not have luck on dress pants but I did manage to get into a few pairs of jeans. Now because of all this weight I've been losing I have no concept of what size I am. I tried on a size 16 dress pant and they fit okay. I tried on a size 16 jean and they were too big. We get me a smaller size and a size 14 jeans fit like a glove. 14!!! I know that's still big but in five months I've lost4 dress sizes! I honestly can't even remember the last time I wore a size 14. I still have my issues with certain parts of my body *ahem*thunderthighs*ahem*, but I couldn't believe how much better I was looking in a fitting room mirror.

So wow. Size 14. I can't wait to get to single digits and finally be in the 100 club!

Challenge Complete: Results Pending

2009-09-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

My gym decided two months ago that it was going to run it's own Biggest Loser challenge. It was going to give you two months to lose as much body fat as you could. When you did your initial weigh-in, they weigh you and take your body fat percentage. I figured "Hey I'm competitive. Why not." This is what inspired a keto diet, to further the progression. I was afraid since I was already two months into my training that I would be plateauing throughout this competition. Thankfully, the keto diet put me at better odds and I have had my final weigh-in this morning: I lost 16.6 lbs and 3.1% body fat since I weighed-in for the challenge. They will contact me in the next few days to let me know if I'm a winner!

1st place - free month of personal training
2nd place - 3 free months of gym membership
3rd place - 1 free month of gym membership
All participants get a little something!

On a very coincidental note, the Biggest Loser Season 8 premieres today!!! The theme this season is "Second Chances" and includes Danny from last season who already lost 150 lbs as well as a woman who lost her entire family to a car crash. I can already tell that I'm going to be crying every Tuesday. AGAIN. I feel pity for these people as much as I can relate to them.

The other day at the Bridal Shower, my aunt asked me what changed. Why I finally decided to get in shape. And I didn't have an answer. She suggested that maybe my brother's wedding was motivation. While she's definitely onto something, but I don't believe that's the whole motivation. I believe that finally watching The Biggest Loser last season was a huge inspiration. Watching Tara, who I very highly identify with, go through all this competition and progress just made me realize "She can do this. If I'm also the type of person who puts my mind to something and can always achieve it, why is my weight the one exception to this rule??" She just dominated every challenge and never gave up. How she didn't win, I'll never understand. But the point is that she was living what I should be doing. There's no reason that my weight should be the only thing I can't conquer.

But then that puts me on the slippery slope to thinking other things. Why did I never feel like this was something I had control over? Even now, after losing 40 lbs, I feel accomplished but I don't feel as though getting down to 130 lbs is something that I'm capable of. I'm stuck on a plateau that I can't shake and my brain just wants to accept that that's enough. That I'm not capable of more. How do I convince myself that I'm worth it? That I CAN do this. I've come this far....how can I let myself down now??

How do I even find answers to these questions????

Evidence of Progress

2009-09-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday must have been one of the craziest and busiest days I've had in a few months. I figured with a training session first thing in the morning, a wedding and a bridal shower in three different parts of NJ that I'd surely be cheating on my diet. Lo and behold...

I packed a cooler (as per a suggestion from roomie, Kathryn) with some chicken and protein powder. I cooked the chicken and cut it into nugget-size pieces so that I could eat them as I was driving from one event to the other. By the time I left for the wedding ceremony in Trenton at 12:30, I had already had my first and second meal of the day. After the ceremony ended just before 3:00 pm, I jumped in the car and drove the 45 minutes to Southampton for the bridal shower. On the way, I ate one of my packs of chicken. Upon arrival, I ate a cup of the only green vegetable I could find, cucumbers. At 5:30, I hopped back in the car for the hour and twenty minute drive to Bridgewater for the wedding reception. On this car ride I ate my other packet of chicken and then when the time came for the dinner buffet, I took a heaping bowl of salad to tide me over. I drank water and a vodka with diet soda (b/c i'm allowed clear liquor) but I felt basically fine. The wedding cake and some pastries came out for everyone and I was very tempted by that, but I find that if I savor the smell of these things it's as good as eating it without any guilt. Okay..it's not as good as eating it. But if it's between smelling it a lot like a freak with no guilt or eating some and obliterating my diet, i'm going with the guiltless option. Then on the drive home from Bridgewater, I ate my protein powder which was the last meal of the day.

Let's remember that Project 23 is not just about dieting and exercise. It's also about bettering myself as a person and becoming more social and happy. Yesterday was definitely evidence of my growth in these areas (Side note: Funny that my inner self needs to grow, while my outer self needs to shrink). At the ceremony, I walked in in my fabulous teal dress and purple heels and lavender coat with my purple clutch and just felt dynamite. One of the groomsmen escorted me to my seat and I sat alone, an entire pew to myself, for the ceremony. Old Gina would have felt very uncomfortable and self conscious through the whole ordeal. This New Gina apparently revels in doing things alone. I sat there, happily, taking my pictures, stood, sat and kneeled with everyone else and I got teary-eyed when the bride and groom got choked up on their vows. Yet this whole time, I felt nothing but contentment reveling in the reason I was there: the joining of two people in holy matrimony. The focus in my head was only for Natalie and Jay as I watched it all happen. A welcome change from the focus of "Who's looking at me and judging me? Who thinks I look fat in this dress?". (Side note: Funny that taking care of myself and doing a lot more things for me results in thinking less about myself in social situations)

At the bridal shower, I flew in in a frenzy and changed into jeans so that I could mingle with as many friends and family members as I could before I had to leave 2 hours later. Apparently my Aunt has been following my facebook statuses and updates about my fitness regimin and immediately inquired about the details. My grandparents, who I haven't seen in a while, commented quite a few times on how great I was looking. Kelly's family members were all happy to see me as well as commenting on how much weight I must have lost. EVERYONE seemed to have something to say. It just boosted my confidence through the roof. I felt interesting and charming with everyone I came across. I caught up with my cousins, Vinnie's friends, other family members and close friends of the family. However soon my time was up and I had to change back into my teal dress and heels to get back to the wedding reception in north jersey. In a whirlwind, I said my goodbyes.

Back at the reception and cocktail hour, the few I knew picked up the compliments on my appearance. All positive ego boosters. Even though I was the only single person sitting at a table of three other couples and often sat alone during a slow dance, I felt no loneliness or shame in this. So I didn't have a date to a wedding. So I wasn't dancing. Big deal. The song "You're nobody til somebody loves you"came on and I just found myself laughing. So silly to assume that b/c you're not in love that you're any less of a person. I did dance with some friends and had a great time just enjoying all the love and happiness in the room. I found myself taking pictures and smiling as I watched other people dance and Natalie and Jay have the night of their lives. It was the first time I went to a wedding and got teary-eyed with happiness and only happiness.

At no point over the course of the entire day did I feel lonely or insuffiicient because I lacked a boyfriend, fiance or husband. I finally was living in the moment instead of feeling self conscious over the things I lack. Now I can't WAIT for the other weddings to make more great memories!

Back on track

2009-09-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

After a rough day and a half, I seem to be back on track. The weather is pretty gross which is messing with my energy level, but I feel more confident about all this again. I bought some turkey bacon and tofu yesterday to substitute for my eggs some mornings. Eggs, turkey bacon, tofu....it's all pretty pricey so it's not like one is more of an economical choice, unfortunately. But at least I'll have some breakfast variety. I try to switch around the types of tea I drink to change up the morning routine instead.

Tomorrow I have a wedding AND a bridal shower to go to. And I'm not allowed a cheat meal yet. I actually have to pack a little cooler for myself with my Day 1 menu. I have no idea how I'm going to manage to go to two huge events and not touch any of their food, but I have no choice. I'll be able to drink some things and perhaps eat some vegetables when I'm scheduled to eat them throughout the day, but ultimately I think i'm on my own and will be only drinking diet soda and water. Can't even drink champagne, sadly.

This will be the ultimate test. And i'm very glad that I already had my weak moment yesterday because if I felt as bad as I did yesterday during these events tomorrow, I would have caved and I would have quit. But I feel confident about tomorrow. I'm very fortunate that my next two weddings will occur on cheat days. You bet I'll be eating tons of wedding cake and drinking lots of alcohol then!

I'm NOT a quitter.

2009-09-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

I came |THIS| close to quitting my keto diet today. I don't know what happened but I just woke up and something in me snapped. The idea of consuming one more egg or egg white just enraged me. Why the hell am I eating this crap if the scale's not going to move! I actually had to text Shane to ask what an alternative to eating eggs was b/c if I eat one more egg I think I might hurl myself down a flight of steps. Dramatic? Maybe. You eat the same exact thing every day for 2 1/2 weeks and tell me how you feel.

After much verbal, out-loud deliberation with several friends and colleagues, Johanna was the only one to talk me off the ledge. "NO!! You've come so far! You've already made it over halfway through to your cheat meal day! Don't give up now! You're so close! I won't let you quit on my watch!!" She was just so enthusiastic about me sticking with it that I finally decided she's right. And giving up at the stage of the game will have wasted all the effort I've put in thus far. Only a few days ago I was talking about how easy this keto diet was because I was seeing results. Now that I see nothing, I'm getting frustrated so easily and finally starting to feel the burden of a lack of variety in my diet. But I won't quit. I will not have wasted almost three weeks for nothing! I refuse!

Now, because my eggs were trying to kill me this morning, I'm starving because I neglected to eat at least half of my breakfast. So all day, even though I've eaten my other two meals in full, I feel ravenous. I have work at the theater tonight, so I doubt i'll have the energy to hit the gym afterward.

*Sigh* Oh motivation. You have forsaken me today.

Deliver us from evil

2009-09-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

To say that I was in a bad mood this evening might be an understatement. I believe the words "pissy" and "stabby" may be more appropriate. A whole bunch of things came to a head at once and made me temporarily lose my mind. Today was the first day I really did not want to go see my trainer and had absolutely no desire to train.

Here's the issue with that.... once I did get to the gym, I decided abusing my body was the way to make me feel better. "Maybe if I'm really tired when I get home, I won't stress anymore." Well. It kinda worked. Except now I'm upset instead of angry. Apparently depression is anger without enthusiasm.

Before starting the keto diet, if I found myself emotional eating, I would have one of two reactions: A) continue to emotional eat and mope all evening ashamed of myself or B) go to the gym for a long long time repeating the mantra "i don't deserve to eat" until my legs were jelly. I once told my trainer, Shane, of this sort of activity to which he said, "That's called a mental disorder, Gina."

How do we teach ourselves to take the bad with the good instead of punishing ourselves? When we get upset or angry, why do we turn to food for comfort? And if not gluttony, why do we abuse our bodies instead of taking some form of healthy alternative? I'm so far into this mentality, that I can't even think of a healthy alternative to take out some aggression and pain.

The struggle continues

2009-09-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

I have nothing but proof that my body is shrinking. The scale is going down, my clothes fit looser, people comment often that I look as though I'm disappearing, and i'm wearing three-four dress sizes smaller than I was in April. Yet most of the time, when I look in the mirror, I could swear that I look exactly the same.

Perhaps it's because I'm losing weight evenly so I'm the same shape but a smaller version. Or perhaps it's because when you spend so long being a certain size, you don't realize that you actually are smaller yet. Whatever the case, I find this phenomena as frustrating as it is scary. I don't want to turn into one of those people who's rail thin but still sees themself as a plus-size person. I'm aware that many people have at least a mild form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Even the skinnest girl will think that her arms are fat or a model will think that his nose is too big. But will I never see myself as I really am? Will I always have the twisted thought that someone just switched all my clothes for bigger sizes while I slept?

I don't want to be obsessed with my weight forever, whether it be lowering it or maintaining it. I'm finally coming to the part of my journey that is going to be an emotional struggle to accept who I'm becoming. I need to figure out what got me to weigh almost a quarter of a ton. I need to figure out what triggered my "click" moment where I finally buckled down and got serious about my health. Most importantly, I need to figure out how to love myself.

Can I ever forgive myself for letting it all get so out of hand in the first place?

Ode to my protein powder

2009-09-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Whey Protein,

At first, I felt like owning you made me a meathead. The big 5 lb tub of you I ordered was a little intimidating but I was told you were good for me so I had to try you out. Your Cinnamon Bun flavor was exciting at first! The way just adding a little water to you made you into a cake batter consistency or if I microwaved you you'd turn into a brownie...but soon your effect began to fade. And you didn't interest me as much.
Since I started this keto diet and you've become an important part of my menu twice a day, you've rekindled my love. I now look forward to partaking of you and savoring the delectable flavor that left me indifferent before. Your simplicity makes you easily portable and quick to ingest. Though 40 grams of you is not a lot, you still manage to satisfy twice a day as though you were a treat and not a vital part of my diet.

Thanks for being you, Whey Protein. Don't ever change.

~Gina

P.S. Please don't be upset if I turn to the Vanilla Caramel flavor for satisfaction too. She's a temptress I can't help but be interested in.

Intro to Keto

2009-09-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

My trainer put me on a ketogenic diet as a "let's see what happens" strategy. The results, in only 11 days, are kind of outstanding. I've lost 13 lbs.

For those of you playing the home game, a ketogenic diet is a diet that's predominantly protein and some fat with very little carbohydrates of ANY kind. Most are familiar with the Atkins diet which is a form of a ketogenic diet. The diet is designed to put you into a state of ketosis (the accumulation of excessive ketones in the body, as in diabetic acidosis). Ketosis can be used to treat epilepsy but it is also a state that puts your body in high fat-burning gear. Typically, your body would produce energy from the carbohydrates you ingest. Since this diet provides you with 50 or less grams of carbohydrates in a day, your body learns to use a new source of fuel. They say you'll feel "weird" for the first few days because it takes approximately four days to get into a state of ketosis. Let me tell you..."weird" is the only way to describe the feeling. There's a strange taste in your mouth and your stomach feels out of sorts and you almost feel disoriented. It's not pleasant. For me, this feeling passed after the first day and a half, luckily.

For a female, the diet plan goes like this:

Day 1:
Meal 1: 12 egg whites
Meal 2: 40 grams of whey protein
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken and 1 cup asparagus or green beans
Meal 4: 6 oz. white fish with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots, or red peppers) using mustard and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein

Day 2: Repeated two days in a row
Meal 1: 2 whole eggs, 6 egg whites
Meal 2: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
Meal 3: 6 oz. chicken with 1 oz. (1/4 cup) or cashews, almonds or walnuts
Meal 4: 6 oz. salmon, swordfish or lean red meat with a green salad (no tomatoes, carrots or red peppers) using macadamia nut oil and vinegar as dressing
Meal 5: 35 grams of whey protein with 1 tbsp of natural peanut butter

You follow Day 1's diet, and then do two days of Day 2's diet, and repeat. For the first four weeks you eat like this. After this point, you are required to have a "cheat meal". Basically you eat whatever you want to restore your glycogen levels. Your body then feeds off that for the week until the next feeding. Shane highly suggests a whole pizza and a few doughnuts because that's what he does. Eww.

Although extremely specific, this diet is as motivating as it is limiting. But just imagine watching 5 lbs melt off in a day....it helps keep me pretty focused. September 26th will be my first cheat meal day. I have a long way to go but a blazing trail of determination behind me already!

Clothes Are No Longer The Devil

2009-09-04T21:32:00.001-07:00

After work today, I went shopping for wedding shoes for my friend, Rose, who will be getting married in October. I went along to help her out because sometimes she needs help deciding things. I just love helping other people shop because I seem to be good luck for them! We go to DSW shoes and afterward I wanted to go to Ross Stores to find an outfit for a wedding I will be attending next weekend. Four hours later, I'm almost $200 poorer but brought home a clutch, two pairs of heels and a dress.

I used to hate shopping. Malls literally depressed me. I would go in to find something or just to look around and would come out hating myself and sometimes crying. Nothing ever fit that I tried on. If I was being honest with myself, sometimes I would try on things that were a size too small because I simply could not accept that I had gained more weight and some things just looked terrible on me when they did fit. I was ashamed to be shopping in stores like Torrid and Lane Bryant and feeling the eyes of passerbys watching me go in or out and was embarrassed to even carry the shopping bag around with me after a rare purchase. I wouldn't go clothes shopping for myself unless I brought another big-boned friend with me. I hated to drag my skinny friends into a "Fat Store".

Companies design clothes for bigger women with either large stomachs or large chests. I have neither really, so trying on shirts was always a big frustration. If I don't fit into the clothes in regular stores, and the clothes in the "Fat Store" don't fit me right, how am I supposed to cover and hide my body attractively? Well...I didn't really.

After losing 35 lbs, I realize how significant a loss it is. Not only am I proud to put on clothes that are two-three sizes smaller than I'm used to, but I'm finding that I have more choices. I'm getting bolder in my fashion choices too because I'm not as afraid to draw attention to myself. This evening I bought a teal dress that I will wear with purple pumps and other purple accessories (clutch, earrings, bangle, etc.). At my heaviest of 240 lbs, I never would have felt comfortable wearing such bold colors and making a fashion statement with these contrasting colors. My entire wardrobe, up until a few months ago, was all black. "Black is slimming."

With this transformation, not only am I regaining confidence to express my playful personality with things like purple high heels, but I'm gaining color in my life. When I wear colors, I feel better. I feel more alive. When I wear black, I feel more serious and find that I'm almost mopey all day. Black can be a power color, but not when you wear it daily. It's just something I never thought about changing with this lifestyle alteration I'm making. It just kind of happened.

It feels good not to live in black and white anymore :)

My Journey: From Fat To Fit

2009-09-03T19:58:00.001-07:00

After subscribing to several blogs of others who inspire me, fitness-ly speaking, I decided maybe I should be keeping a blog of my journey on the road from being overweight to living an athletic lifestyle. Yknow, a blog dedicated to my glories as well as my frustrations along this journey that is going to take a while.

In all fairness, I'm cheating. I've already lost about 35 lbs. But I'm confident that I can back-log some of my experiences and continue on from this point. I'm doing this blog not only for myself, but for anyone who may need a little extra motivation. This is a blog to say "Hey. I'm human. I struggle too. Let me tell you how I'm dealing while you work too."

I hope to look back on this and see how far I've come so that I always have a reason, even on a bad day, to be proud of myself. Because this weight loss isn't about looking great naked (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a motivator)...it's about confidence. It's about doing all the things I ever wanted to do and finally taking care of my body the way I should have started years ago.

Project 23 is what I call this process of self-reformation. Whenever someone used to ask me "What do you think the perfect age is?" I would always answer 23. It's just enough older than 21 to be considered a legal adult but it's still not your mid-twenties and you're limited by not being able to rent cars without an astronomical price rate. It just seemed perfect to me. So when I turned 23 on Oct 13th 2008, I vowed that my 23rd year would be my best. I vowed that I would do everything I could to get in shape and become a happier person. So here I am!

Important characters you'll meet along the way:
Shane - my personal trainer who I picked up in April 2009. He looks like Channing Tatum and makes me laugh.
Kathryn - my new roommate who's training for a half-Iron Man at the moment. Whoa.
Tara Costa - my idol from season 7 of the Biggest Loser. It's the first season I watched and I want to be friends with her in real life. She's a huge inspiration.
Ashley - a great friend who's kinda doing the same for herself while she lives in Holland with her husband. We keep each other in check via AIM and facebook.

I'm signing off my first blog with one of Tara's (and now my) favorite inspirational quote...
"They never said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it."